Movie Review Jupiter Ascending

Jupiter Ascending (2015) 

Directed by The Wachowskis

Written by The Wachowskis

Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Tuppence Middleton

Release Date February 6th, 2015 

Published February 5th, 2015 

My cynical 30-something armor can no longer be pierced by the earnest arrows of the artist trapped in commercial hell. Yes, while there is a deep seated part of my soul that wishes for a day I could once again appreciate the trappings of those wounded souls willingly baring themselves before us, as they wring their hands over cashing studio checks but alas, it is for naught. I've been too ironically distanced from my own emotions for too long. 

It is, therefore, impossible for me to appreciate "Jupiter Ascending," the latest work of the wonderfully open and earnest Wachowski siblings. Like their previous effort, "Cloud Atlas," "Jupiter Ascending" is a daringly original piece that attempts to elevate pop to art via pop philosophy with a dash of liberal/progressive politicking. It's an effort I can admire but in a package I can't help but mock ceaselessly.

"Jupiter Ascending" stars Mila Kunis as Jupiter, a house cleaner by trade who happens to be the human replicant of a dead alien queen, destined to inherit the Earth. A mostly shirtless Channing Tatum plays Caine, Jupiter's wolf-like, Spock-eared protector in rocket boots. That's a literal translation of who these characters are and their relationship to one another. How am I expected to take this seriously? 

To be fair, Luke Skywalker was a descendant of an ancient race of spiritual ninjas who fights alongside robots, Wookies, and tiny aliens, but I find myself capable of loving the goofiness of "Star Wars." So why not love the goofiness of "Jupiter Ascending?" Maybe I've reached my “goofy” limit. Or maybe "Star Wars" is simply a superior effort from a more dedicated master of earnest goofiness. 

"Jupiter Ascending" grows only more goofy as it rolls along, picking up the story of three goofball villains. Brothers Titus (Douglas Booth) and Balem (Oscar nominee Eddie Redmayne) and sister Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) hope to trick or kill poor Jupiter in order to usurp her birthright as the owner-operator of the Earth. You see, kids, Earth is really just a farm for the universe, where people are cattle used as commodities to be harvested. If poor Jupiter can't stop them, the Earth becomes the beauty product equivalent of Soylent Green. 

One cannot help but admire the wont of the Wachowskis to create something wholly original. "Jupiter Ascending" is that rare breed of modern movie blockbuster that is not based on a comic book or a young-adult novel. The Wachowskis took great care to assemble this brand-new universe, and their dedication is admirable even as the product of that dedication is incredibly risible. 

"Jupiter Ascending" is not unlike the spiritual cousin of “Avatar,” another overly earnest attempt at pop politics. Like that monstrosity, "Jupiter Ascending" is a massive work of pop art that attempts to smuggle politics under the guise of science fiction. Unfortunately, the politics of both films are so obvious and under-cooked that even as I find myself agreeing with both films’ philosophies, I can't help but mock how simpleminded they both are. 

Modern progressives are growing more open and earnest with each new generation. This is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing in that stances in favor of the poor and those affected by the ills of discrimination now have vocal defenders. But it's also a curse as these most vocal progressives tend to run headlong into the buzz-saws of political commerce without the ironic armor that protected generations before. 

My generation wielded humor as a dangerous and divisive weapon against our political foes. We could swing the hammer of cynical humor at our earnest conservative opponents and expose their whiny cores in the process. The more earnest, modern progressive-liberals are far too quick to believe that their opponents can be reasoned with or shown the error of their ways via earnest conversation. This leads to movies like "Jupiter Ascending," where the progressive message is ladled heavily and humorlessly over easy-to-consume-and-destroy pop science fiction. 

For people like me, raised on the misanthropic, self-protective, liberal politics of the past, I feel the need to destroy "Jupiter Ascending" before my opponents get their hands on such an easy and shallow target.