Movie Review: Undiscovered

Undiscovered (2005) 

Directed by Meiert Avis 

Written by John Galt 

Starring Pell James, Steven Strait, Kip Pardue, Shannyn Sossamon, Carrie Fisher

Release Date August 25th, 2005 

Published August 26th, 2005 

I have a theory about this ridiculous slump business at the box office. It is not merely that Hollywood is not making films that people want to see. Rather it is Hollywood releasing films so unwatchable that they poison the theaters that show them with a toxin that drives audiences to their homes in fear of ever returning to a movie theater.

Consider the evidence; Are We There Yet?, The Pacifier, Deuce Bigelow 2. Just typing those titles raised the bile from my stomach. Now in theaters is a film that is far worse than any of the films I mentioned. An abysmal teen rock romance called Undiscovered that should have remained Un-released.

Steven Strait's earnest pronouncements of love and heartbreak are so pathetic that realistically he would be more inclined toward a restraining order than for true love. The one-two punch of Mr. Strait's uninspired delivery and the script's stultifying dialogue is just brutal. I am told that  Strait performed all of his own music in the film and given our current music culture, his music will fit in nicely next to all of the atrocious examples of mainstream pop rock that overflows from most top 40 radio stations.

A music critic friend told me recently that modern rockers have started to go away from writing complex lyrics. Supposedly they want the focus on musicianship, but as the recent MTV Video Music Awards show, it's about projecting rock star image more than having anything to genuinely do with music. By that standard Mr. Strait, a former model, should fit right in. How unfortunate, however, that as his character is written, he's supposed to be a great songwriter. Yeah... not quite.

For her part Ms. James is-- cute. That is honestly the kindest thing I can say about her performance.  James may actually be the victim of having to carry Mr. Strait's D.O.A performance. As the more experienced of the pair she carries most of the dramatic weight, were that there was any to carry in such an airheaded film. Pell James is also saddled with carrying the supporting performance of pop star Ashlee Simpson who at the very least is more interesting to watch than our main character.

Steven Strait stars in Undiscovered as, I kid you not, Luke Falcon. Luke is a wannabe rocker on his way to L.A to make it to the big time. As he is getting off the subway with his brother Euan (Kip Pardue), on his last day in New York City, Luke has a cute encounter with Breier (Pell James). He drops his glove on the train and instead of retrieving it he tossed Breier the other glove just before the train doors closed. Remarking that he met the girl of his dreams on his last day in the city, Luke hops his flight for Los Angeles. What are the odds that Breier will soon be there as well?  It's no long shot, I assure you.

Breier is a model with dreams of becoming an actress, a confession she makes to her modeling agent played by the desperately slumming Carrie Fisher. Soon Breier is off to LA and the cutthroat world of "model slash actresses". It is through her acting class that she meets Clea (Ashlee Simpson) who happens to know Luke (He lets her sing with him at a dive bar). Luke and Breier meet cute once again but Breier cannot hook up as she has a rock star boyfriend who she knows is a cheating, lying bastard.... but she loves him. Ahh true love.

Luke and Breier stay friends and eventually she and Clea help Luke get a following at the club and the attention of a slimy record exec played by the oily Fisher Stevens. Soon Luke has his own model girlfriend played by Shannyn Sossamon, but the life of a rock star is too much for the earnest Luke who longs for the solitude of the songwriter.

No points for guessing that despite all of these roadblocks, Breier and Luke are meant for each other. This is, afterall, a teen romance. What is shocking, though, is how woefully inept the film is even from the limited expectations of its genre. Strait and James are embarrassingly hard to watch as they fumble the film's central romance like teenagers in a first time groping session.

The regrettable script, credited to first time writer John Galt is a meandering, overlong mess of typical romantic roadblocks and dialogue that would make the kids on TV's "One Tree Hill" roll their eyes. If you can somehow fight your way through the longest 93 minutes of your filmgoing life you will see the film end with the kind of Deus Ex Machina that even the lamest of screenwriting books make fun of. The ending involves a cameo by former RoboCop star Peter Weller that sounds as if he were channeling Christopher Walken, only a far less entertaining version of the man.

How serious was Lions Gate about making a real hit movie out of Undiscovered? The producers actually rewrote the picture and retitled the film for a pop song by Ms. Simpson that is naturally on the film's soundtrack. Ms. Simpson's father is credited as a producer on the film and there are two scenes with Simpson onstage that seem to stretch into eternity.

Much of the film is in fact filled out by musical performances from Strait and Simpson. Cut back on the music and Undiscovered might clock in closer to 70 minutes. That is still way too long, though, believe me. The fact is that Undiscovered is the kind of film that usually goes directly to video stores and yet somehow ended up on the big screen as a ninety three minute commercial for its abysmal soundtrack. For anyone who thought Lions Gate's template for success was Miramax, well it's actually something closer to MTV Films.

In what is clearly one of the worst years for cinema in recent history in term of film quality, the box office is doing just fine despite the slump talk.  Undiscovered ranks right near the top of the list of the worst films of the year. As Mr. Ebert famously said in the title of his book about bad movies, I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, hated, this movie.