Movie Review Papillon

Papillon (1973) 

Directed by Franklin J. Schaffner 

Written by Dalton Trumbo, Lorenzo Semple Jr. 

Starring Steve McQueen, Dustin Hoffman

Release Date December 16th, 1973

Published August 22nd, 2018

Papillion is considered a classic movie by some but not by me. For me, Papillion is an ungodly slog through unending misery. Sure, the sun occasionally shines but I would not be lying if I claimed that 95% is uncompromisingly bleak. The term torture-porn is a modern term invented to describe the fetishized violence of movies like Saw or Hostel, but Papillion is, perhaps, a progenitor of the term. The violence isn’t graphic but if you get off on suffering, this movie is for you.

Steve McQueen stars in Papillion as the least convincing Frenchman this side of Dustin Hoffman. McQueen is Papillion, a man falsely accused of the murder of a pimp, or so he claims. Aboard a ship to be taken to the French penal colony in French controlled Guyana, some time in the early 1930’s, Papillion meets Louis Dega (Dustin Hoffman), the most prolific forger in French history. It’s rumored that Dega has money and can use it to arrange an escape.

Papillion becomes a sort of bodyguard to Dega and eventually his friend. The two plot toward Papillion’s escape as Dega believes that his wife is working to get him out of jail and his money allows him some privileges in the prison camp, privileges he would lose if he attempted an escape and it failed. Indeed, Papillion’s first escape attempt fails as he is captured and brought back to the camp by bounty hunters.

This puts Papillon in solitary confinement for an unspecified amount of time though I believe somewhere in the movie it was stated as five years. This section of the movie is pure torture for Papillion and our patience. We watch as Papillion eats bugs, struggles with hunger, is given illicit food, slipped to him via courier by Dega, loses all but all but scraps of food when his supply is uncovered and he refuses to say where it came from and generally suffers for a solid 20 minute chunk of an already too long movie.

When he is finally released from solitary, Dega is waiting to nurse him back to health, or pay someone to do it for him anyway, and Papillion immediately starts planning another escape. It’s pretty much the same escape as the last, only Dega will be going with him this time. Whether it was successful or not, I will leave you to discover. I will say that the escape leads to the only good portion of the movie, we see a leper colony that is frightening yet filled with the only other good people in the movie and a brief glimpse of a life Papillion could be happy with but is, of course, taken from him.

Cruelty, despair, misery are what we face while enduring Papillion. I suppose the film is intended as some kind of triumph of the human spirit stories, it’s based on a novel by a guy who claims to be the real life Papillion, his final escape having worked, but my spirit gave up on the film about half way through rather than anything remotely like triumph experienced. Papillion is a handsome movie but it is not an entertaining or engaging movie.

Papillion is a punishing 2 hour and 30 minute slog. It’s a movie where joy goes to die. You don’t watch Papillion, you endure it. I don’t ask that all movies be happy-go-lucky but I would prefer that movies not be so all-encompassing bleak as Papillion undeniably is. There is one sequence where there is joy and it ends as abruptly as it arrives and the film scurries back to be even more dreary than before.

Has Dustin Hoffman always been insufferable or have I just been in denial all of these years? I had a similar thought that I pushed to the back of my mind when I watched his jerky performance in Tootsie but it was inescapable here. Hoffman’s stagey tics are more pronounced in Papillion than they were when he was literally playing a stage actor in Tootsie. Hoffman’s Dega constantly has bits of little business to do including limping, vocal tics and constantly touching his coke bottle eye-glasses.

I was glad when his character disappeared for a while and his antics were off-screen and that was during the film’s most bleak sequence so you can understand just how much I was loving Hoffman’s performance here. I would rather be in a dank cell with a dying Steve McQueen than outside in the sunlight with the obnoxious Hoffman. His antics cool off late in the movie and he becomes a compelling character but you likely won’t last long enough to care about that.

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If I hadn’t been paid to watch and write about Papillion I would have turned it off rather early on, once I pegged just how dreary the movie was and would remain. I consider it an act of masochism that I managed to watch Papillion all the way to the end. I don’t understand the desire to make, let alone watch, a movie like Papillion. Did director Franklin J. Shaffner just decide he wanted to test the limits of audience patience?

Papillion is being remade and released this weekend with Sons of Anarchy star Charlie Hunnam as Papillion and Mr. Robot’s Rami Malek as Dega. Here’s hoping it’s not another slog through human misery ala the 1973 original or else I am going to need a drink for this one and I don’t even drink alcohol so you can get a sense of my dread here.

Movie Review Pandorum

Pandorum (2009) 

Directed by Christian Alvart 

Written by Travis Malloy

Starring Ben Foster, Dennis Quaid, Cam Gigandet, Antje Traue, Cung Le, Eddie Rouse

Release Date September 25th, 2009 

Published September 25th, 2009 

Pandorum, we are told during the movie of that title, is a form of mental illness that develops from prolonged exposure to the nothingness of space. The crew of the Elysium space ship are more than a little prone to this ailment. Their trip is longer than any man has ever undertaken and there is no going back, Earth is gone.

As we join the story, the Elysium crew is informed that they are the last of humanity. From there we are shot into the future, how far is part of the film's mystery plot. In a hypersleep pod awakens Cpl. Bowers (Ben Foster). He has no idea who he is or where he is, only the vague notion that he has a mission. Next to him in another pod is Lt. Payton (Dennis Quaid). He is supposed to be the ship's captain when it is his turn but finds himself and Bowers trapped in one room far from the control room.

Bowers soon has escaped through an air duct to search for help and finds himself in the middle of what can only be described as an alien invasion. Worse yet? These are zombie-cannibal aliens with a deep need for human flesh. With the ship hurtling toward nowhere, Bowers needs to crank up the engines for survival all the while avoiding getting eaten.

On his journey Bowers meets Nadia (Antje Traue) a ship's scientist turned survivalist and Manh (Cung Le) a member of the crew's foreign contingent; he speaks no English. These three alternately save each other's lives and call on one another to run away quickly from danger.

Meanwhile, Lt. Payton is joined in his little corner of the ship by Lt. Gallo (Cam Gigandet). He comes in the same way Bowers escaped only Gallo is covered in blood and balling like a small child with a skinned knee. He has an idea of what happened to the rest of the crew but may be too far gone mentally to help. Worse, his illness may in fact be Pandorum which points to one very disturbing reason for his being covered in blood.

Pandorum is directed with some flair by newcomer Christian Alvert. Alvert bathes the familiar plot inside his talent for atmosphere and tension. It's not until you leave the theater and really reflect on the movie that you realize how much of the story adds up to different characters yelling 'RUN'.

While you are watching Pandorum however, it's easy to get swept along by its creepy I Am Legend meets Alien plot. Dennis Quaid is his usual stabilizing, fatherly presence, even as he starts to lose it at the end. And Ben Foster is a surprisingly effective lead. Taking strong advantage of his odd vibe, Foster turns his weakness, skinny-nerdiness with a dash of creep, into a strength, his heroism is so unexpected.

He sparks well off of Traue's Nadia and their rather perfunctory scenes together take on a bit of life beyond all the running and the yelling of the word run.

If Pandorum comes up short for most audiences it is really more in the faded glow after it's over. While it's on, it is effective and compelling. Well acted, atmospheric and rarely boring. That may not be enough for some audiences, those who cannot endure the post show disappointment that comes from being hoodwinked, but for the forgiving audience, Pandorum is kind of fun while it lasts.

Movie Review Shazam

Shazam (2019) 

Directed by David F. Sandberg

Written by Henry Gayden 

Starring Zachary Levi, Djimon Hounsou, Mark Strong, Jack Dylan Grazer 

Release Date April 5th, 2019 

Published April 4th, 2019 

Shazam stars Zachary Levi in the story of a boy named Billy Batson. Billy is 15 years old, young Billy is played by Asher Angel, and an orphan. Years earlier, Billy was separated from his mother at a carnival in Philadelphia. She disappeared and young Billy is convinced that he simply needs to find her again so they can be reunited as a family. The reality that his mother never looked for him after that day is something he is eager to overlook.

Since he was 4 years old, Billy has been shuttled from several foster homes that he has abandoned to hit the streets searching for his mother. The latest home is one filled with a diverse group of kids that are Billy’s age and younger and who seem open to welcoming him to the family. That can only happen however, once Billy opens himself to his new family and that is part of the plot journey of Shazam.

The plot of the movie kicks in when Billy saves his new brother, Freddy (Jack Dylan Grazer) from some school bullies and winds up impressing the wizard known as “Shazam” (Djimon Hounsou) with his bravery. For years, Shazam has kept the spirits of the seven deadly sins locked away while he searched for someone pure of heart to take over his magical powers. He chooses Billy despite his misgivings about Billy’s selfishness in his search for his mother.

With the power of Shazam, Billy grows into a more than 6 foot tall, red-suited, white caped, gold-booted, superhero. It takes a while, but eventually, he realizes that he can switch between his superhero persona and his kid persona by saying the name Shazam. This leads to a legitimately charming sequence, overly familiar from just about every superhero debut movie, in which he and Freddy begin to test his superhero powers.

We should be put off by this sequence as we’ve seen the same thing in Iron Man, Captain America, Batman, each iteration of the Spider-Man movies, Ant-Man, et cetera. And yet, despite the cliche, these scenes do work in Shazam. I didn’t mind the cliche this time because Zachary Levy and Jack Dylan Grazer are having such a good time with these cliches. The fun they are having doing these scenes is palpable and I had fun because they were having so much fun.

It turns out, much to my surprise, that Zachary Levy was perfect for the role of a childlike superhero. My personal bias against Levy for his dimwitted performance on TV’s Chuck and his dreadful role in one of the more recent Chipmunk movies had blinded me to the legitimate talent he has for silliness. That talent for silliness is exactly what Shazam needed to separate it from the otherwise dour and glowering D.C movie universe.

D.C has a reputation for being grim, especially under the direction of Zach Snyder.This universe needed something like Shazam to force the universe into a more of a fun place to be. That vibe began with James Wan’s Aquaman, but Shazam is the first real exploration of a comedic place within the D.C universe. It’s a course correction for D.C where director-auteur Snyder seemed to believe that the only way to escape the shadow of Marvel was to go almost absurdly serious.

If D.C ever brings the Justice League together again, Shazam will provide a strong leavening force, a lightheartedness that may be the key to bringing this to a place where the Marvel movies have been from the beginning, an entertaining and fun and exciting place. The all or nothing, apocalyptic vibe of the D.C Universe was the worst part of the Superman movies and while Wonder Woman made that tolerable, we needed a movie like Shazam to bring a little light into that darkness.

This is rather ironic coming from Swedish born director David F Sandberg whose previous features were the horror movies Lights Out and Annabelle: Creation. He’s not exactly the guy you would expect to bring lighthearted fun to the DCEU but that is exactly what he’s done. Shazam has a lot of laughs, a lot of big laughs. Laughs in which we are more often than not laughing with the movie and not at the movie.

That was a major concern for me based off of the trailer for Shazam. I was concerned that I would find the movie pathetic and laugh at things that perhaps were not intended while not laughing in places where laughs were sought. I didn’t laugh much at the film’s trailer which wasn’t embarrassingly bad but was definitely awkward and leaned far too heavily on the immaturity of the character of Shazam.

The movie leans heavily on that same immaturity but given a little more room to breathe, Zachary Levy makes it work. And when it is time for the movie to take on a modest amount of seriousness in the final act, Levy makes that work as well, he earns enough of the needed weight for us to genuinely care about him and his newfound family and the peril posed by the film’s big bad, played by Mark Strong.

Here, unfortunately, is where I must talk about the flaws of Shazam. Mark Strong is unquestionably the weakest part of this movie. His Dr Sivana is remarkably unremarkable. Strong is a fine actor but I didn’t buy into his charismatic, free, whiny villain. We spend far too much time on his uninteresting backstory and he’s further undone by the underwhelming special effects that make up both the Seven Deadly Sins and the rubbery CGI Strong in the flying scenes.

Sylvana's backstory is part of why Shazam’s runtime is way too long. As enjoyable as the movie is, it is terribly bloated at more than 130 minutes. The film repeats a little too much of Billy and Shazam being frightened and incompetent and while the idea of a learning curve for a kid superhero makes sense, the film could have used a device to speed things up so that the middle didn’t sag so much. Losing a few minutes from Sivana’s full backstory would have been a good first step.

Nevertheless, even a bloated runtime and underwhelming villain didn’t prevent me from enjoying Shazam. The film has way too many good laughs and way too much fun for me to dislike it. Shazam is joyously silly and yet still a movie that can fit nicely into the overall DCEU. The four franchises needed a lighthearted shot in the arm ala Ant-Man in the Marvel Universe, and Shazam is a terrific comedic fit.

Movie Review Sex and the City 2

Sex and the City 2 (2010) 

Directed by Michael Patrick King

Written by Michael Patrick King

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristen Davis, Cynthia Nixon 

Release Date May 27th, 2010

Published May 26th, 2010 

Since I am sure I will have to wield this truth as a weapon against those angry and accusatory after reading this I will get this out of the way: I really liked both the series Sex and the City and the first Sex and the City movie. The series created four unique and wonderful female characters whose outsized romantic issues were winning and funny. The film brought each character to a new and challenging emotional place in their lives. Our four heroines met these new challenges as adults with humor and sisterhood. The film was, for me, the perfect coda as it left these wonderful women in just the right emotional and romantic places in their lives.

It is unfortunate then that producers needed to bring these characters back for another film. It is especially unfortunate that they brought the ladies back without any of the wit, insight, sexuality or romance of even the series' least moments. Sex and the City 2 is little more than attempt to squeeze more money out of a franchise title.

When last we left Carrie Bradshaw she had made up with Mr. Big and the two were settling into a life together. Two years later it seems the sparkle has dimmed. Big wishes to spend all of their time on their new luxury couch watching old black and white movies. Carrie meanwhile longs for the glamor of her old life.

Samantha (Kim Cattrall) meanwhile is fighting off the march of time. At 52 years old she has turned to a drug regimen that would shame your average 70's rock band in order to maintain her youth and vitality. She remains a force in her business as her PR has turned ex-flame Smith Jarrett into an international superstar.

Charlotte has two baby girls that are slowly driving her insane, though she feels horrible admitting it. Worse yet are her fears about her new nanny (Alice Eve). The new live in caretaker has a penchant for going braless while playing with the kids, a sight that has not gone unnoticed by Charlotte's husband Harry (Evan Handler).

Finally there is Miranda who is dealing with a rude boss at her law firm. She is being dismissed by him for being a strong woman with strong opinions and the boss is busily making her miserable with constant emails and phone calls. Should she simply quit the job she has worked so hard for? Who cares because the movie has zero interest in exploring this or any of the challenges it introduces with any depth or insight.

These are the new challenges for our longtime friends and the solution given to each is a week's paid vacation in Abu Dhabi where Carrie soothes her bored soul with a flirtation with an old flame. Samantha finds herself without her drug regimen but still in rare form thanks to a new romance with an age appropriate man.

As for Charlotte and Miranda, the screenplay really doesn't have much to offer them after they arrive in the Middle East. Miranda has a few moments of wit while Charlotte is left to pray for a cell phone signal that will allow her track Harry and the nanny even though the film has zero interest in creating any real tension in Charlotte's marriage. 

The Abu Dhabi portion of the film, shot on location in Morocco, is a massive waste of celluloid. The women engage in mindless consumption against a desert background. They go out of their way to offend the locals while writer-director Michael Patrick King fails to create one Middle Eastern character of any resonance. Carrie's reunion, spoiled in the trailers and commercials, is a false dramatic device that goes nowhere as the real focus seems to be ugly, over the top opulence.

All of the wit and style of Sex and the City seems to have been sucked out of the sequel. This is well attested by the opening 20 minutes of the film spent at the wedding of Carrie's gay best friend Stanford (Willie Garson) and Anthony (Mario Cantone). Where once Sex and the City was cutting edge in understanding and existing within gay culture, things have deteriorated to the point of stereotype and decrepit gay pop culture references. 

Liza Minnelli as gay icon was played out nearly a decade ago. Having Liza officiate a gay wedding and then sing Single Ladies by Beyonce just seems desperate. The jokes about gays, weddings, Liza and Single Ladies, thud one after another as we wait patiently for something remotely plot-like to emerge. In the end the gay wedding exists only for these jokes which magnify the giant waste it all is. 

Where the issues crafted for the first Sex and the City movie revealed interesting new things about these four wonderful women and challenged them to face life in ways they'd never had to before, Sex and the City 2 has no real interest in finding new ways to reveal and challenge them. It appears that once producers decided to go to Abu Dhabi, or rather Morocco, any interest in an actual plot was forgotten in favor of drowning in excess and flaunting opulent consumer culture. Ugh! It's just awful. 

A massive groaning bore of a movie, Sex and the City 2 disgraces the series and the first film by wasting the talent of all involved and 2 hours and 20 minutes of the lives of loyal fans who will attend the film out of love and loyalty to these characters and find themselves slapped in the face by what appears to be nothing more than an excuse for all involved to take a Middle Eastern vacation together.

No insight, little romance and a complete lack of the wit that made these characters so dear to us, Sex and the City 2 rots out loud. Writer-director Michael Patrick King seems to have forgotten entirely what made this franchise so wonderful. Sure the cast and crew got an expensive vacation out of the deal but what’s in it for us?

Movie Review Sex and the City

Sex and the City (2008)

Directed by Michael Patrick King

Written by Michael Patrick King 

Starring Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon, Kristen Davis, Chris Noth

Release Date May 12th, 2008

Published May 11th, 2008 

It's been four years since we last saw our friends Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha (Kim Cattralll), Charlotte (Kristen Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). In that time Carrie has been in a monogamous relationship with her Mr. Big (Chris Noth). Samantha also has been in a long term relationship with her actor boytoy Smith Jerrod. That relationship has taken Samantha from her beloved New York to Los Angeles where Smith's career has flourished. When last we saw Charlotte her adoption from China came through and her daughter is now almost 4 years old. Meanwhile Miranda has been married to Steve and living in Brooklyn for the past four years.

Memories refreshed with a quick montage we jump into the story and the latest complications. For Carrie, she and Big are moving in together. Moreover, they've decided to get married. Samantha and Smith? They are living together but Samantha has become infatuated with a sexy neighbor, an Italian hunk, who reminds her of her old self. He has sex with a different woman every night and this sparks feelings of nostalgia in Samantha who uses repeated trips to New York, amongst other things to avoid cheating on Smith.

Charlotte has a big surprise coming, one that will no doubt strike right at the heart of many SATC fans. Miranda meanwhile is focused on her career and trying to balance being a high powered lawyer with being a wife and a mother. Steve has a big surprise coming for Miranda which will then reverberate through the rest of the story in unexpected ways.

I am careful not to reveal too much. It's not that there are major, unpredictable twists and turns in SATC the Movie. Rather, just knowing too much might remove the impact of the many dramatic, romantic and comedic moments. Writer-director Michael Patrick King slips us right back into the lives of these characters with an effortlessness that is to be commended. For the uninitiated, the recap at the beginning is quick witted, light hearted and contains just the information you will need to enjoy the movie. And I think you will enjoy this movie, regardless of whether you are already a fan.

Sex and the City is a smart, sexy, funny adult comedy that does not pander to the audience. No attempt is made to soften the edges and make Sex more appealing to a wider audience. All of the sex, language, smoking and drinking of the TV series are in the movie. Sex and the City The Movie defines itself in its maturity in more ways than one. Not only does it not pander to find a wider, younger audience but also these characters play their age. They are 40 and fabulous and make no attempt to cover that up, no vain attempts to age down for these ladies, why Cattrall's Samantha celebrates her 50th birthday in the movie.

Unlike the vain egotist Sylvester Stallone, there is an effortless quality to the way Cattrall remains an object of desire. Where Stallone gets plastic surgery and pumps steroids and comes off as desperate not to show his age, Cattrall revels in the idea that she can look as good as she does and still be open about being 50. Guys, I know you may make fun but if someday your wife, at 50, puts in the hard work that Cattrall does to look like she does, you will appreciate it.

All four of these women work hard to look as good as they do but you never really see the effort on screen. The results however? Wow. Both Cattrall and Nixon have nude scenes in the film and Davis a near nude scene and all look amazing. One of the things that survived from the show is how Parker's Carrie always manages to be the one to keep her clothes on. I'm not complaining, it's just an observation. Any theories as to why she's able to escape the showing off, aside from her name being above the title, are appreciated. I'm curious if there is a deeper meaning to Carrie's private life being so often offscreen.

If there is one major issue with Sex and the City The Movie it is the length. At nearly 2 and a half hours, SATC is a slog. There is a good 25 to 30 minutes that could easily come out of this movie without damaging the stories that Michael Patrick King wants to tell. The length is merely indulgence. Do we need repeated scenes of a dog humping things? Do we need one character's severe gastro-intestinal troubles? The two fashion shows? Really? Get an editor or go back to HBO where you could cut together an economical season's worth of episodes that at 26 minutes apiece would make this indulgence easier to swallow.

That said, it's only a minor quibble. Spending time with these four terrifically funny, sexy, smart characters is not something to complain about too much. The Sex and the City movie pays tribute to the television show and sends it off in a proper fashion with romance, style and yes sex, plenty of sex.

Movie Review Sex and Lucia

Sex and Lucia (2001) 

Directed by Julio Medem

Written by Julio Medem 

Starring Paz Vega, Tristan Ulloa 

Release Date August 24th, 2001 

Published December 12th, 2002

In this day and age, it takes a great deal of courage to make a film purely for adults. You must assuage the elements of marketability that make a film appeal to the typical demographic of teenagers and commit to making a film of allegedly limited box office appeal. You're not going to get much support from Hollywood studios for such a film. That is why most films that appeal solely to adults are made in Europe where the adult moviegoer is still respected.

Sex & Lucia, for instance, comes from Spain, a hotbed for adult, intellectual appealing films from directors like Pedro Almodovar and the masterful Luis Bunuel. While Julio Medem's Sex & Lucia isn't as good as the recent works of Almodovar or the genuine classics of Bunuel, it's appeal to the intelligence of the adult moviegoer is commendable and the film as a whole is not bad.

The luscious Paz Vega stars as Lucia who, in the film's opening scene, is searching for her boyfriend. In a strange phone conversation, he sounds suicidal. After returning home from work Lucia receives a phone call from the police that leads her to believe her boyfriend Lorenzo (Tristan Ulloa) is dead. Naturally, there is far more to this story. 

Flashback to years earlier and Lorenzo is in the ocean in the moonlight with a beautiful naked woman and the two agree not to exchange names but just enjoy each other's company. Years later as Lorenzo sits in a café with a friend he is approached by a woman he has never met and the stranger tells him about having read his novel and that she is in love with him. The stranger is Lucia and this was how they first met. The two go back to his place to make love for days.

Soon, Lorenzo finds out that the woman he met on the beach years ago is now living in the same city as him. A coincidence that tests credibility but is well handled. She is in town and Lorenzo learns she has a small child who doesn't have a father and who may be his daughter. Lorenzo begins to follow the mother and daughter at a distance and even begins a relationship with the daughter's babysitter Belan (Elena Anaya) in order to get closer to his daughter.

All the while he is still with Lucia and writing a book about his daughter, her mother Elena (Najwa Nimri), and Belan. Lucia is reading the manuscript but doesn't suspect that the book is based in reality. Then a tragedy strikes the daughter and sends Lorenzo on his suicidal bent. Whether he commits suicide or not, you will have to see the film to find out.

The film culminates on the island where Lorenzo had his tryst with Elena. Lucia goes there to find the place Lorenzo described in the book to see if she can find the answers to why Lorenzo may have committed suicide. From there the film relies on coincidences that test credibility and though they are explained by the film's unique structure, they tend to either be clever or annoying, depending on your perspective.

From my perspective, I found the film's many coincidences a little too convenient and the many flashbacks that may or may not have happened to be overbearing. The film teases the audience one too many times, for my taste. Still, the direction is artful and the performances are strong enough that I am willing to look past a lot of the flaws of Sex and Lucia. Not all of the flaws, but some. 

Actress Paz Vega is a real knockout, it helps that she spends most of the film naked, but she is a very good actress on top of that. The scene where she and Lorenzo meet for the first time shows a star power and charisma that is off the charts. She reminded me a little of Audrey Tautou in Amelie. Vega has a self-possession on screen that is incredibly appealing, it makes her performance feel confident and natural at once. 

On the other hand, I didn't care for Tristan Ulloa as Lorenzo. I just never liked him. From beginning to end, his character never seems to have life or vitality. He is wooden and uninteresting and is one of the reasons I have a hard time recommending Sex and Lucia. Given how much of this story turns on the idea that Lorenzo is this magnetic and adventurous lover, I expected a lot more from the male lead in Sex and Lucia. 

Director Julio Medem is very talented, though he needs to be a little more careful with his camera as many of his outdoor shots are extremely washed out. I dig that he was trying something unique and different and I liked his attempt to break from formula filmmaking but he also, far too often, relies on outlandish coincidence for his story to work and that tested my patience a great deal during Sex and Lucia. 

That said, the female characters of Sex and Lucia, especially Paz Vega's lead, are engaging and alive. They are sexy, smart, and exciting. Paz Vega is so good in Sex and Lucia that I can't help but give the film a modest recommendation, even with my many, many reservations. 

Movie Review Seven Pounds

Seven Pounds (2008) 

Directed by Gabriele Muccino 

Written by Grant Nieporte 

Starring Will Smith, Rosario Dawson, Barry Pepper, Michael Ealy, Woody Harrelson 

Release Date December 19th, 2008

Published December 18th, 2008

It took me maybe 20 minutes into Seven Pounds before I figured out exactly where the plot of this Will Smith weepie was headed. Predictability often is an inescapable sin for mainstream filmmakers and I try to be understanding. In the case of Seven Pounds, director Gabrielle Mucchino must have realized he had a predictability problem because halfway through the movie the predictable 'mystery' portion of the movie falls to the background and a sweet well observed romance emerges.

Will Smith stars in Seven Pounds as Ben Thomas, an IRS Agent with a deep, dark secret. Ben did something that he feels he must atone for and thus sets out to change the lives of seven strangers. Using his IRS credentials, Ben identifies a few desperate souls and sets about stalking them to see if they are worthy of the massive favor he is going to do for them.

Along the way Ben meets  Emily (Rosario Dawson) , a heart patient desperately in need of a transplant. She also owes the IRS a ton of money. After observing her, Ben decides to help her and in the process he falls in love. Ah, but don't forget that deep dark secret that will have to be dealt with before you can even imagine finding some happy ending.

I won't spoil the secrets for you. It won't take you long to figure out the secret for yourself but it nevertheless is crucial to the story for the secret to remain a secret here. I can tell you that I found the secret implausible on top of being highly predictable.

Barry Pepper takes on the role of Ben's best friend Dan. He is crucial to Ben's plans but his motivation for doing the important things he does is terribly lacking. There is simply no logical basis for Dan doing what he does and his actions undermine the drama and what I am sure was supposed to be a mystery and a revelation.

The plot of Seven Pounds fails in its logic and underlying plausibility but it succeeds in creating good characters. Will Smith dials down the Big Willy charisma and in so doing crafts a quiet, gentle, graceful performance. He sparks tremendous chemistry with Rosario Dawson and their romance is the one element of Seven Pounds that really works.

If you are a BIG fan of Will Smith you might like Seven Pounds. If not, skip it.

Movie Review Serenity

Serenity (2019) 

Directed by Steven Knight 

Written by Steven Knight

Starring Matthew McConaughey, Jason Clarke, Anne Hathaway, Diane Lane, Djimon Hounsou 

Release Date January 25th, 2019

Published January 19th, 2019 

Serenity is a highly ambitious and deeply misbegotten attempt to make a modern film noir. Writer-Director Steven Knight has something going for him in Serenity but continues to undermine himself and his movie with bizarre choices that lead to an unsatisfying and almost laughable, laugh out loud conclusion. The film strands an incredible cast in what approximates a Shyamalan level of lunatic aspiration. 

Matthew McConaughey stars in Serenity as, no I am not making this up, Baker Dill. Baker is a fishing boat captain catering to tourists on a mysterious tropical island called Plymouth. Baker has a passion for fishing but specifically a passion for one specific fish, a giant Tuna that he has come to call Justice, and yes it is a heavily tortured metaphor. No points for guessing that as the film hammers the point into your brain pan. 

Baker is seemingly driven only by this giant tuna but lately other things have begun to permeate his consciousness. Specifically, Baker has recently been plagued by memories and visions of a son he left behind when he went to war in Iraq. Upon his return, his then girlfriend and the mother of his child, Karen (Anne Hathaway), has moved on and married another man and cut Baker out of her and her son’s life. 

Baker’s visions of his son are truly bizarre as he appears to be able to hear his son’s voice and vaguely communicate with him with some sort of water based ESP. In one of the film’s epically bizarre scenes, a naked Baker swims in the ocean with his also naked teenage son. Why? There is no good reason, it’s just something that director Steven Knight thought might communicate the strange, water based ESP thing I mentioned before. The nudity is an off-putting choice to say the least. 

Out of the water, Baker is approached by his ex-wife with a proposition. Karen wants Baker to take her husband Frank (Jason Clarke) out fishing and toss him to the fishes. In exchange, Karen is offering $10 million dollars and perhaps the chance to see his son again. Baker immediately rejects the idea despite Karen telling him that Frank has been abusive toward her and toward their son. After meeting the epically awful Frank, Baker still resists but will his psychic connection to his son change his mind. 

No, that last line is not me being snarky… well, not entirely snarky. The plot does legitimately turn on whether Baker’s fuzzy, incomplete, ESP connection to his son will cause him to accept the offer to murder Frank and it is as goofy as that sounds. There is a great deal more however to the connection between father and son including a looney final act twist that left me utterly gobsmacked. The ending of Serenity is surprising but not a good surprise, more of a WTF surprise. 

In an effort to take the classic noir thriller to a place that might appeal to the hip, modern, technically advanced older teen and twenty-something crowd, director Steven Knight has conceived a twist that is remarkably hokey and tone deaf. It’s the kind of twist that middle aged folks like myself laugh at and younger types will straight up ignore in the way you ignore grandpa’s less than helpful comments on Facebook posts. 

It’s a twist that works remarkably well at alienating audiences of all ages, uniting generations in eye-rolls of epic proportions and derisive laughter that will last till we reach the parking lot of the local theater. Honestly, I do admire the sheer madness of the twist attempted in Serenity but I can’t help but mock the result. The execution is so laughable and clumsy that jaw dropping exasperation can only evolve into giggles of sheer schadenfreude. 

I take no genuine pleasure in laughing at rather than with Serenity. These are a group of incredibly talented actors and a director I really do respect. Steven Knight directed Locke, an exceptional and experimental thriller that got the best out of the great Tom Hardy and demonstrated the talent for talking out loud to himself that would make Venom so sneakily entertaining. Knight knows how to make a movie. Serenity is merely an example of a hill too hard to climb to a destination that wasn’t worth climbing to. 

Movie Review See No Evil

See No Evil (2006) 

Directed by Gregory Dark 

Written by Dan Madigan

Starring Glenn 'Kane' Jacobs, Christina Vidal, Luke Pegler 

Release Date May 19th, 2006

Published May 20th, 2006

I have a confession to make. My name is Sean Patrick and I am a wrestling fan. Yes, every Monday night I clear the decks and watch Monday Night Raw and I love it. This is why I was more aware than most of the new horror film See No Evil. As a WWE insider, a fan who holds literal stock -one lone share of WWE stock- I was made aware early on that WWE intended to get into the movie biz and that its first venture was to be a low budget horror flick called Eye Scream Man starring WWE superstar Kane.

The title may have changed but the inspired idea of taking the WWE's premiere 7 foot tall 300 plus pound former psychotic inmate and turning him into a horror film bad guy remained. Now under the title See No Evil, with heavy promotion on WWE TV, Kane is on the big screen and while he looks the part of the terrifying, unstoppable killer, the film is disappointingly mundane horror garbage.

Jakob Goodknight (Kane) grew up under the thumb of a fundamentalist mother who kept him in a cage as a child and drilled into his head that all women except for her were dirty and evil and needed to be punished for their sins. No shock then when Jakob grows up to be a fearsome serial killer. Early on in his psycho career Jakob survives a run in with cops by taking the head off of a nameless rookie before taking a bullet from his veteran partner, not before taking the vets hand with his ax.

Williams was that cop's name and three years after losing his hand he has no idea whatever happened to Goodknight. Now working in a juvenile detention facility Williams leads a work detail of teenage offenders assigned to clean up an old hotel which is to be converted to a home for the homeless.

Bad luck for all involved that Jakob has taken up residence in the hotel and he doesn't like visitors. With the cannon fodder cast of hot body twentysomethings, playing teens, in place Jakob can run amok plucking out eyeballs, his favorite pastime that gets little to no explanation.

I'm told in interviews with Kane and other member of the See No Evil production team that each of Jakob's modes of murder has some kind of significance, irony or hidden meaning. In the hands of former porn director Gregory Dark however, any such meaning is lost in translation, or directorial incompetence to be less colloquial about it.

Director Dark and screenwriter Dan Madigan's idea of an ironic death is a bimbo blonde who ends up eating her cellphone and a PETA member who is eaten by wild dogs. Subtlety and deep meaning, not exactly the milieu of this filmmaking duo.

Kane cuts an intimidating figure onscreen at 7 foot 300 plus pounds but unfortunately director Gregory Dark too often brings Kane down to the size of his victims through his sheer incompetence in how to shoot a movie scene. His angles and lighting make Kane look smaller and more lumbering than he is. Also where Jason had that very frightening, kee kee hah hah hah sound effect to reveal his presence on screen , Kane is stuck with the buzzing of a fly which rather than striking fear of Jakob's presence, makes you wonder if the psycho needs a shower.

The less said about the rest of the films, the better. Each is merely a placeholder for violence. Watching Kane/Jakob pick them off one by one gives no one any fear for their passing or dark pleasure in the way they are disposed of. Not one of the kids in See No Evil earns sympathy or even becomes character enough for us to quietly root for their horrifying demise.

There is a good idea in turning the hulking, intimidating presence of Kane into a horror film villain. He has played a variation of that role on WWE Raw for years to great effect. Maybe they shouldn't have left that idea in the hands of the auteur behind such cinema classics as The Devil 'IN' Miss Jones 5 and, I kid you not, Hootermania.

Movie Review Secretariat

Secretariat (2010) 

Directed by Randall Wallace

Written by Mike Rich, Sheldon Turner

Starring Diane Lane, John Malkovich, Dylan Walsh, James Cromwell, Margo Martindale

Release Date October 8th, 2010

Published October 7th, 2010

“Secretariat” is a shockingly square movie, even by the standards of the modern family movie. There is nothing remotely cool or modestly subversive about “Secretariat,” even as the film is set in 1973 the time of the Vietnam War, the beginnings of the Women's movement and the end of the Nixon Administration.

It was a time, ironically enough, when movies like “Secretariat” were rendered irrelevant by a gang of drug fueled visionaries who today craft blockbusters and award winners and have inspired a new generation of less drug fueled but equally visionary creative types who would sooner adapt videogames to the big screen than look twice at something like Secretariat.

There is nothing wrong with the story of Secretariat, the true story of Penny Tweedy and her amazing super horse which won horse racing's Triple Crown while captivating the sports world. Rather, it's an issue of style and approach, a boring, conventional approach that is crafted to be comfortable, warm and never for a moment cause the audience to do any of that awkward thinking stuff that other better movies do.

No, it's better instead to lull them into a pleasant, popcorn sated stupor than remind them of the actual history of the time in which Secretariat became a needed distraction for a weary nation. Weary of what? The filmmakers would rather you didn't ask.  

Diane Lane stars in “Secretariat” as Penny Tweedy, formerly Penny Chenery, daughter of a famed stable owning family in Virginia. Penny's mother has passed away leaving behind her ailing father (Scott Glenn) and no one to run the family's stables. Returning to Virginia with her impatient husband Jack (Dylan Walsh) and their four cute, indiscernible children, Penny reunites with Miss Hamm (Margo Martindale), her father's loyal secretary, and Eddie Sweatt (Nelson Ellis), the family's long time stable hand.

The return to Virginia finds the family finances bleeding red ink. The only hope is a rather unusual one, a coin toss. Years earlier, Penny's father made a long standing deal with the world's richest man, Ogden Phipps (James Cromwell), their prized horses would breed together and a coin toss would decide which man got his choice of the prize offspring.

Penny may have left her horse knowledge behind when she ditched Virginia for family life in Denver years ago, but her instincts remain and she knows which horse she wants and she knows she wants to lose the coin toss to get it. The scene with Lane and Cromwell is cute and effective and nicely lulls the audience into the overall feel of “Secretariat” a good natured, entirely square movie that would be boring if it weren't so pleasantly clueless.

The key for scenes like the coin toss or the obligatory celebration montages or the obligatory everybody dance and wash the horse scene or the obligatory dramatic roadblock to success scene seems to be the ability of director Randall Wallace to set these scenes without a hint of self consciousness as if no one would notice they are watching a scene of two millionaires flipping coin over who gets a horse. To his astonishing credit, no one in the audience did seem to notice or care. It was all so gentle and pleasant.

There is nary a moment of discord or discomfort in “Secretariat” as the film side steps it's true life setting in the early 1970's by quietly having Penny's daughter Kate (Amanda Mischalka) act out a play of war protest in front of an audience that seemed as passive as the one watching “Secretariat.” It's easily the most pleasant and passive war protest ever brought to the big screen.

One should see “Secretariat” if only for the shots of passive hippies, the somehow non-dope smoking types whose only connection to being a hippie is a hippie uniform, watching and loving Secretariat right alongside the proletariat parents of the film's likely target audience. It's a serene, almost Leave it to Beaver-esque pastiche of what the era would have been like had Dad and the Beav gone into the documentary film business and left out all of the supposed unpleasantness of the time.

The average episode of The Brady Bunch offers a more subversive view of the early 1970's than does “Secretariat.”

Now, before you howl that this is a horse racing movie and not a documentary about the tumultuous year of 1973, I will point out that the film itself brings up Vietnam by having the daughter be a protester, thus opening the vein for my line of criticism of the films portrayal of this actual period in our shared American history.

For the howlers, let's get into the horse racing stuff; it's not bad. Director Wallace takes us into the starting gate and puts us right in the action as the big ol' horses make their sinewy, snorting way around the track. It can come as little surprise that the audience, lulled by the pleasant passivity of the characters and the story, would be compelled to cheer the action of the horse racing scenes.

What was a little surprising was the cheering at the end of each of the races in the film, save the Wood Memorial which Secretariat lost. (If one of you mentions spoiler alert I will come through this computer screen) Secretariat lost the Wood but bounced back to win the Triple Crown in a dominant fashion that would seem to rob the final hour of real tension. Again, I have to credit director Randall Wallace for the effective staging of the racing scenes; they are compelling and even moving, even Secretariat's 30 odd length victory at the Belmont sealing his triple crown.

The racing scenes stand at odds with the rest of “Secretariat” which is depressingly square. Critic Andrew O' Hehir of Salon.com alleges an honest to god, Christian, right wing ideological conspiracy as to why “Secretariat” so blithely ignores the radical elements of its era.  O'Hehir calls the film 'a creepy American myth' and he's not far off. There is what feels like a creepy intent to all of the boring pleasantness of “Secretariat.”

I cannot truly assign any agenda to “Secretariat” however, aside from that of Disney and its desire to make a profitable sports film. “Secretariat” is merely a sports movie directly from the mold of “Miracle” and “The Rookie” and like those films, bled of all life beyond their uplifting finishes and obstacles overcome, Secretariat is a boring, well crafted machine of a sports movie fashioned from the Disney factory floor.

These movies are made with the intent to offend no one and somehow entertain all. They are meant as all things to all audiences and no one can really complain aside from whiny film critics who decry anything that isn’t some challenging drama or quirky indie romance. Hey, wait a minute!

To be serious for a moment; someone at Disney clearly believes that movies can be made that will sell to every possible audience, from red state to blue state. The conventions of the sports movie provide a safe place to try to find that all encompassing audience and with a horse story you can even appeal to women. “Secretariat” even has a female protagonist, a mother of four, women, family audiences, sports fans and kids! Kids like horses and their parents who are tired of cartoons will be able to drag them to the horse movie. Throw in John Malkovich as a clown and you have a movie with the potential to please all.

Sure, all of this market sensitivity makes my soul hurt but Disney is a business not a movie company. One can only guess that if “Secretariat” somehow fails, they will move on to the next soul crunching market driven bit of saccharine sports movie. For now, at least “Secretariat” is pleasant and hey, who needs to think.

Movie Review Season of the Witch

Season of the Witch (2011) 

Directed by Dominic Sena 

Written by Bragi F. Schut

Starring Nicolas Cage, Ron Perlman, Claire Foy, Stephen Graham, Christopher Lee

Release Date January 7th, 2011 

Published January 7th, 2011 

Nicolas Cage has made some seriously awful movies, like Fire Birds, Bangkok Dangerous or Knowing. Despite the quality of his films though, Nicholas Cage has never been boring, until now. Season of the Witch is Nicolas Cage being boring. As a noble, god fearing Knight on a quest to save a village from an allegedly plague inducing witch, Nicolas Cage offers a stalwart hero so tediously heroic that nothing stands out about him.

Behman (Cage) and his loyal pal Felson (Ron Perlman, Hellboy) have been fighting on behalf of the church in the crusades for more than a decade when suddenly killing the innocent loses its taste. Abandoning their duty, the two set off for freedom but are waylaid at a village overcome by the plague. Found guilty of desertion, Behman and Felson are offered a choice; death by hanging or a Knightly quest. Not hard to guess that choice.

The quest has the Knights, along with a priest, a con man, a teenager and a widower, transporting ‘The Girl’ (Claire Foy), who is suspected of being a Witch, to a monastery where she is to be executed. Behman however, pledges that ‘The Girl’ will not be harmed unless she actually is a Witch, something that the priest, the Widower and the Con Man, simply cannot abide. In short order they will try to kill the Witch and face a dastardly fate. But, is it Witchcraft or worse?

The idea of Nicolas Cage, underneath yet another one of his famously odd hairdos, playing a 13th century Knight battling a Witch and a corrupt Church would seem to have potential for some classic Nicolas Cage weirdness yet somehow it never comes. Sure, Cage and Ron Perlman‘s casting alone, along with Dominic Sena‘s ludicrous modern action beats against a 13th Century background, are odd in their own right but Cage plays Behman with such stalwart, heroic intensity that he seems stunningly normal under the circumstances.

Cage plays Behman just as any other actor without Cage’s flair might have played him. Viggo Mortenson or Keanu Reeves could have played Behman and given just the same stolid yet gallant performance. Where is the weirdness? Where is that extra something behind the eye that makes Nicholas Cage unique? It’s shocking and disappointing to watch Nicolas Cage play a hero whose eyes aren’t bugged out and ready to leap from his fiery skull and instead are sleepily focused and determined.

If Season of the Witch wanted to be just another action movie the makers could have hired any other actor. They hired Nicolas Cage to bring the weird. It’s fair, in fact, to wonder if director Dominic Sena, who watched Cage bring the weird to his car junkie action flick Gone in Sixty Seconds, was also waiting for his star to emerge and thus ended up making a dull, straight arrow action movie when he had hoped he was making a Nicholas Cage movie.

Would weirdo Nicolas Cage make Season of the Witch a good movie? Likely not but, Nicolas Cage in a bad movie is at the very least always interesting. There is always so much to see when Nicolas Cage finds that odd beat he wants to play. In Peggy Sue Got Married Cage adopted a voice he compared to Gumby’s pal Pokey and nearly got himself fired because he wouldn’t drop the voice. In other films he channels Elvis Presley for reasons only he understands.

It’s weird and it can ruin a movie but it’s always intriguing as we search Cage’s face and manner for that little inflection, that idea that struck only him and reveals his fascination with a role. Sadly, in Season of the Witch that little flavor of Nicholas Cage, that revealing little tick or inflection, that idea that is solely his never emerges and instead we have a bored Nicolas Cage delivering a boring performance in a boring movie.

Movie Review Searching

Searching (2018)

Directed by Aneesh Chaganty

Written by Sev Ohanion, Aneesh Chaganty

Starring John Cho, Debra Messng 

Release Date August 31st, 2018

Published August 30th, 2018

2018 has seen some remarkable experiments in form. Steven Soderbergh’s ingenious thriller Unsane was filmed on multiple IPhones and crafted one of the most exciting and suspenseful movies of the year. And, the movie we’re talking about today, Searching, from director Aneesh Chaganty, ranks right alongside Unsane as a terrific experiment in form and as a thriller. The film was shot entirely from the perspective of a computer monitor. That sounds as if it would be a tough watch but Searching is so much better than you think it is.

Searching stars John Cho as David Kim, a devoted father and a recent widower. David dotes on his daughter, Margo (Michelle La), mostly via video chat and social media messenger. Margot is an overachiever, or at least that’s what David believes. Soon he will come to find he doesn’t know his daughter as well as he thought he did. Searching is not just an experiment in form, it’s a challenging subject for parents who might want to take a closer look at their kids on social media.

After some mundane exchanges about taking out the garbage and money set aside for piano lessons we get to the meat of the plot. Margot is supposed to be studying late with friends but then, she doesn’t come home. We see, in the middle of the night, David gets a pair of skype calls from Margot but he misses them, he’s asleep. When he wakes and calls Margot, she doesn’t answer and when he finds she’s not at school, he calls the police.

So much of Searching is just John Cho’s worried face and it is a testament to his charisma and star power that Searching is so compelling. Cho’s frantic expression is engrossing and his search for clues is our search for clues. Instead of being over his shoulder as he searches, we’re in his computer following the evidence that he gathers via Margot’s computer, her social media, her bank account and her phone.

The mystery of Margot’s whereabouts is riveting and the shooting style, that inside the computer screen looking out of perspective, feels urgent and exhilarating. It’s exactly what you and I would be doing in the same situation. Scouring social media, opening our kids computers and digging through their email for any digital trail they may have left. What David finds is what any of us might find if we investigated a typical teenager and the mystery of whether Margot ran away or was kidnapped raises the stakes throughout the story as evidence tips one way and then the other.

Searching is one of the least talked about success stories of 2018. The film was made for a budget of $1 million dollars and the film grossed over $70 million dollars, making it one of the best return on investment movies of the year. That the film also happens to be a tremendous work of art makes Searching truly admirable. And, now that the film is available on Blu-Ray and DVD it should only become more successful.

Indeed, television may add a dimension to the movie in some ways, making the experience more intimate, like looking at your own computer. The theatrical experience of Searching worked but this is one of the rare movies where home video may enhance the experience. That’s saying something considering Searching is already a really great movie. I can’t recommend it enough for the high level mystery and John Cho’s brilliant performance.

Searching should inspire modern filmmakers to take more chances with form. This film and Unsane are rare among modern movies, taking advantage of modern tech to create a whole new genre of movies that I expect is still in infancy and will only become a bigger genre over time. Unsane will likely be the more influential of these movies but Searching demonstrates boundaries in form that can be pushed and that will undoubtedly have a legacy.

Movie Review Scream 4

Scream 4 (2011) 

Directed by Wes Craven

Written by Kevin Williamson

Starring Neve Campbell, David Arquette, Courtney Cox, Emma Roberts, Hayden Panettiere

Release Date April 15th, 2011

Published April 14th, 2011 

The original "Scream" in 1996 transformed a moribund genre. Horror had grown stale and predictable when "Scream" arrived and with its mix of horror movie inside jokes, ironic asides and better than average scares reinvented horror movies; giving the genre back the edge it lost with the 5th or 6th time Jason Voorhees came back from the dead and then went to space.

"Scream 2" had similar juice as the first; cleverly twisting the conventions of goofy horror sequels and using them to create laughs before dousing the humor with blood and screams. The third film lost the thread by going so far inside itself that neither the laughs nor the scares could escape.

Now we have "Scream 4" which picks up the action 10 years after the story of "Scream 3" and you have to wonder why Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) would ever go back to Woodsboro. Sure, she still has family there, her Aunt Kate (Mary McDonnell) and teenage cousin Jill (Emma Roberts) but still, going back to so much history and on the anniversary of the original killings no less, seems like a really bad idea.

Indeed, it is a bad idea as just before Sidney arrives two Woodsboro teens are killed while watching the movie 'Stab 7' based on the books by Gale Weathers (Courtney Cox) on the Woodsboro killings. Well, to be fair, as one of the soon to be murdered teens points out, the first three 'Stab' movies were based on the books; the next 4 were pale imitations of the first that even had Ghostface as a time traveler.

Back to Sidney, she has written a self help book based on her recovery from the trauma of surviving three separate mass murders. She has come back to Woodsboro at the behest of her publicist (Alison Brie) who can't wait to call the publishing company to tell them about the murders that she knows will spike sales of Sidney's book. Her bloodthirstiness is more of a commentary on modern marketing practice than any kind of clue to her being more of a character in this movie. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media

Movie Review Sanctum

Sanctum (2011) 

Directed by Alister Grierson 

Written by Andrew Wright

Starring Richard Roxburgh, Rhys Wakefield, Ioan Gruffudd

Release Date February 4th, 2011 

Published February 4th, 2011

A group of angry, bitter and hateful characters stock the foreground of “Sanctum,” the James Cameron produced 3D thriller about cave diving that while visually impressive is too ugly and stupid in character and plot to succeed in any way even if the visuals are stunning and inventive.

Richard Roxburgh is Frank, the driven and angry leader of a cave diving team somewhere in New Guinea. With his benefactor, Carl (Ioan Gruffaud) soon to arrive, Frank has a new discovery to show off, a possible link between an ancient cave and the ocean, a sight no one may have ever seen before.

Unfortunately, Carl's arrival is met with the accidental death of one of the divers. With a storm coming and  a body that needs to be moved, the exploration should be on hold but Frank refuses. Carl is his willing accomplice, admonishing any worry warts that with speed the expedition can be done before the storm arrives.

Oh, how wrong he was. Carl, with his new girlfriend Victoria (Alice Parkinson) and Frank's son Josh (Rhys Wakefield) arrives in the cave just in time for the storm to hit, stranding them all thousands of feet below the surface. With the caves filling with rain water, the only escape may be Frank's theoretical passage to the ocean but to get there will require remarkable diving skills, something Victoria does not have.

Naturally, the crew is as short on supplies as Frank is short on patience. They move forward into the water but not before idiot characters make idiot decisions based on stupid notions. I don't want to spoil things for those determined to see “Sanctum” but one character makes a decision so wholly idiotic that the groans from the audience lasted almost until the character's inevitable fate. 

”Sanctum” is based on the real life experience of producer and co-writer Andrew Wight, a protégée of James Cameron and an experienced diver and underwater filmmaker who had a very similar experience trapped in an underwater cave during a storm. Wight and his party survived and he felt there was a good idea for a movie in the experience. 

Wight is right, there is a good movie to be made of his experience but “Sanctum” is not it. Rather, this plodding exercise in thriller genre clichés reveals the true intent behind “Sanctum” which is merely an excuse to show off the 3D technology that Cameron has been pushing as the future of movies.

Stupid, ugly, moronic characters with vague and even moronic motivations stumble through “Sanctum” merely as clotheslines to carry us from one awesome visual to the next. Unfortunately, so execrable and irritating are these characters that even the stunning 3D technology on display cannot distract wholly from how awful they are.

The only reason “Sanctum” is not a documentary featuring real divers exploring real caves in search of visuals never before seen is that the viewing public tends to see such documentaries as boring or too much like going to school. A documentary simply doesn't draw an audience the way any boring old mainstream thriller does.

James Cameron was looking for a way to demonstrate his technology and its potential outside his own work and a documentary playing on the IMAX screen simply wouldn't cut it. He needed to show 3D working in a genre movie to demonstrate how it could be the future of movies going as he sees it.

Boy, did he hook his wagon to the wrong horse. “Sanctum” may be a triumph of 3D technology but the thriller stuff, the characters, they are so bad that this reviewer, and indeed many others simply cannot recommend it. Better luck next time King of the World.

Movie Review Salt

Salt (2010) 

Directed by Phillip Noyce

Written by Kurt Wimmer

Starring Angelina Jolie, Liev Schreiber, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Andre Braugher

Release Date July 23rd, 2010 

Published July 22nd, 2010 

Can a movie run on pure rocket fuel adrenalin? The answer is yes but only when your star has the astonishing star power of Angelina Jolie. “Salt,” directed by Phillip Noyce, begins with a jolt and after a few moments of exposition to set the stakes it sets off on a pace that makes “Fast and the Furious” look like “The Remains of the Day.”

Angelina Jolie is Evelyn Salt, a CIA Agent who is accused by a Russian defector (Daniel Olbrychski) of being a Russian sleeper agent tasked with killing the Russian President. Naturally, Salt claims she is being set up and just as naturally no one, aside from her partner Winters (Liev Schreiber) believes her.

Internal Affairs Agent Peabody (Chiwitel Ejiofor) certainly doesn't believe her and intends on detaining her but with her husband (August Diehl) having gone missing and the defector having escaped, Salt takes it on herself to escape to chase the baddie, find her husband and prevent the job she's allegedly been tasked with from taking place.

There is a great deal going on plot wise in “Salt“and not one iota of it matters in the least to the success of the film. “Salt” is a film that exists purely as propulsion. The action proceeds at a pace that distracts from the whacked plot and seems intended to do just that.

Director Phillip Noyce and screenwriter Kurt Wimmer have constructed a movie so convoluted that the entire film functions as a weird Rube Goldberg experiment that relies desperately on the next ludicrous yet intricately designed, rapid fire action scene. In one of the biggest and most outlandish scenes in the film Jolie leaps from one moving truck to another and then another all while being chased and shot at. The physics are laughable but if you treat it like the inside joke between filmmaker and audience that it may in fact be and you can really have some fun.

Angelina Jolie is both gorgeous and badass with just a touch of vulnerability. Those lips and that body draw you in and the rest keeps you riveted to the screen waiting to see what she will do next. “Salt” was initially written for a male protagonist and Tom Cruise was rumored for the lead. Seeing “Salt” on the big screen it's impossible to imagine anyone but Ms. Jolie, she owns this role with style, sex, charisma and an almost physical command of the screen.

Of course, if you pause for a moment and pull the plot apart it would crumble like a bad game of Jenga but like I said “Salt” has little time for a plot. “Salt” is a perpetual motion machine of gunfights, car chases, foot chases ,and Angelina Jolie's unstoppable charisma. Take it for what it is and ask for nothing more and you will be satisfied with “Salt.”

Movie Review Roma

Roma (2018) 

Directed by Alfonso Cuaron

Written by Alfonso Cuaron

Starring Yalitza Aparicio 

Release Date December 14th, 2018

Published December 11th, 2018 

Film Critics tend to be accused of automatically loving movies that are subtitled and in black and white. It’s a trope of my kind that we will always heap praise upon a foreign film while bagging on the latest Hollywood offering that earns millions of dollars. People assume this has to do with critics establishing our highbrow credentials but my more than 16 years of experience has taught me why this trend takes hold. 

Having spent well over a decade seeing every Hollywood wide release movie in the theater I can attest, it begins to wear you down over time. You, dear reader, may only see one teen oriented slasher film but I see 5 or 6 per year. You see perhaps three blockbusters per year on average, I see them all. You see maybe one Young Adult romance per year, I am inundated with them. Eventually, after experiencing the same Hollywood formula year after year after year, your brain begins to beg for something different and since subtitled black and white movies are a rarity in this day and age, it makes sense that we critics gravitate towards them, if only to break the monotony. 

Roma is the latest of the black and white subtitled movies to receive lavish praise from my kind. Roma has 99% positive reviews on RottenTomatoes.com and has been honored with a Best Picture nomination at the Critics Choice Movie Awards, the first Foreign Film in the CCMA's 24 year history. Critics adore this minimalist and deeply personal story from the brilliant director Alfonso Cuaron and I think I am a fan. Or, is it just so welcomingly different that I just appreciate the difference. Let’s find out. 

Roma tells the story of Cleo (Yalitza Aparicio), a young maid working in the home of a well off family in Mexico in the early 1970's. Cleo’s life is a routine of cleaning and cooking and bonding with the four young children in the family. As we watch we get the sense that Cleo is almost like part of the family… almost. Little scenes in Roma give us a sense of the boundaries that the adults in the family work awkwardly to maintain. 

The family is beginning to splinter as the story goes on but that’s well in the background. The forefront of the story is Cleo and her day to day routine which she breaks only occasionally to go on dates with Fermin (Jorge Antonio Guerrero), a handsome but unusual young man, deeply dedicated to the martial arts. Fermin pursues Cleo but when she ends up pregnant, that pursuit ends abruptly and Cleo is left to take care of herself and worry as to whether she will be able to keep her job. 

Although I have given it a linear description, there really isn’t much of a story in Roma. This isn’t a traditional kind of movie. Director Alfonso Cuaron’s aim appears to be an authentic portrait of the life of a low wage working woman in the early 1970’s, perhaps a callback to someone he knew when he was young. It’s deeply affecting as a portrait of the character of Cleo who is compellingly portrayed by newcomer Yalitza Aparicio. 

Cuaron, rather impassively, floats his camera like a fly on a wall, observing at a distance the life of Cleo and the travails of her day to day routine. The panning shots of the home of the central family are quite beautiful and they set you up for even more beautiful, sweeping images when the film ventures out of the home, including a beautifully surreal firefighting scene in which the attendants of a New Year’s Eve Party are drafted in to help put out a forest fire. It’s a scene that would be comfortably at home in a Fellini movie, especially when a costume wearing man begins to sing. 

Alfonso Cuaron handled his own cinematography on Roma and his work is immaculate. The look of the film is gorgeous with the black & white photography giving the movie age and depth and a unique beauty that a director could likely only get from Black & White film. The film is flawlessly lensed and the technical filmmaking aspect of Roma is the real reason to see it. Rarely are movies this beautiful to just admire.

With all of that said, I am not sure how to recommend Roma. I have come to the conclusion that the film worked on me. I do like Roma a great deal, and not just because I am bored with every other type of movie in the market. The beauty and warmth of the film are more than enough for me to give a recommendation but there must be a caveat. Roma takes a long time to warm up. The film is deliberate and anyone looking for instant gratification should find another movie. 

The film is kind of gross early on with an extra special focus on a very, very messy dog. Then there is some highly unnecessary full male nudity which really puts me off. I understand why it is there, from a character standpoint and from a story standpoint, but I think the point could have been made elsewhere in the movie that this particular character is a childish lout. I don’t need to see him or anyone performing nude martial arts. 

So, who do I recommend Roma to, since I am recommending the movie? The audience is fans of awards shows. If you are someone who really loves awards shows and wants to see all of the nominees, you will need to see Roma. It would come as no surprise, given the critical consensus, if Roma is nominated for Best Picture at the Academy Awards. It deserves that level of praise. If however, you aren’t an awards junkie, you probably aren’t a hardcore film buff either. That probably means that Roma is not for you. 

Essay on Celebrity Documentaries

Listen to Me Marlon (2015)

Amy (2015)

I don’t know what to make of our celebrity culture anymore. Having recently seen the documentaries, Amy, Listen to Me Marlon and Soaked in Bleach, I can’t help but border on the idea that there is a real life conspiracy in the world to make some people seem crazier than they really are. In Listen to Me Marlon, Marlon Brando comes off as lucid and thoughtful, unlike the boorish, self-absorbed maniac that so many others portrayed him as.

In Amy we don’t see a girl who was a wreck and destroying herself, we see a slightly troubled girl of a slight emotional impairment ravaged on all sides by deceitful members of her family, and a media that are nothing short of vultures. In Soaked in Bleach we meet a Courtney Love that is not too much unlike the public persona, only slightly more human and filled with guilt and regret that she papers over with booze and drugs the way any other guilt-ridden person might use to cover their shame.

We’ve become trained to not see celebrities as fellow human beings, to not feel compassion for them because they are privileged. We’ve allowed ourselves the excuse of that privilege as giving us the right to pry into their lives for little details that we can then use to create versions of these celebrities that we can love or hate or project whatever feelings of inadequacy we have onto them.

It’s terrifying the lengths that we allow ourselves to go in order to create a more relatable or outsized version of these people to satisfy our needs. We harden opinions based on conjecture from people who make a living by inventing stories about these people for us to consume. It’s a demonstration of the ugliest sides of us.

These documentaries, especially Amy and Listen to Me Marlon, are more than just films, they are signposts of our cultural ruin and must be seen so that we can all take stock of who we’ve become and why and maybe find a way to strike a balance in our desire for these beautiful ciphers for our dreams and the reality that they live, love and hurt as much as we do, if not for many of the same reasons.

Movie Review Rush Hour 3

Rush Hour 3 (2007)

Directed by Bret Ratner

Written by Jeff Nathanson

Starring Chris Tucker, Jackie Chan, Max Von Sydow, Noemie Lenoire, Jingchu Zhang

Release Date August 10th, 2007

Published August 9th, 2007

Chris Tucker has become something of a mystery. After 2001's Rush Hour 2, Tucker could not have been hotter. Tucker was commanding a salary of 20 million dollars per picture. He had offers coming in left and right and then nothing. For six years Tucker seemingly vanished from Hollywood. Six years later, after spending some time as a philanthropist in Africa, Tucker is back and returning to the character that made him a 20 million dollar man.

The endless troubles, budget and screenplay-wise, of Rush Hour 3 likely contributed to Tucker's absence. This sequel has been in the works since Rush Hour 2 opened to nearly 70 million dollars back in August of 2001. However, they just could not work out the many issues, until now, six years later.

It's been six years since Detective Carter (Chris Tucker) and his international partner, Inspector Lee (Jackie Chan) threw down against some bad guys. Today, Carter has gotten himself in so much trouble that he is directing traffic on the busy streets of L.A. Meanwhile, his pal Lee is back in town, protecting the life of Ambassador Han (Tzi Ma) who may have information that could bring down the evil Chinese Triad.

When the Ambassador is shot, though not killed, Lee and Carter re-team to search for the Triad leaders who organized the hit, knowing that if they don't the triad will return to finish the job and kill the Ambassador's daughter Soo Yung (Jingchu Zhang). The investigation takes Carter and Lee to Paris where the triad is searching for a secret linked to a cabaret performer (Noemie Lenoire) and the French Ambassador Varden (Max Von Sydow).

You can definitely see some wear and tear on the Rush Hour concept as the creators and stars have stretched this buddy cop premise about as far as it can go. Carter and Lee have been friends for nearly a decade now, since the original Rush Hour in 1998, and yet we are to believe they still cannot understand each other.

The jokes have run their course and what is left is Tucker trying to motormouth his way through some mediocre improv jokes and an aging Jackie Chan trying desperately to hide his use of stunt men and CGI to help him with the acrobatics that made him a star. To Chan's credit, the action is the film's best asset, even if you can occasionally see the CGI at the seams.

Joining Tucker and Chan in Rush Hour 3 is a motley crew of supporting players and cameo day players. Director Roman Polanski is a standout as an officious French police officer who confronts Carter and Lee at Air France airport security in a most uncomfortable fashion. It's uncomfortable not merely for the joke but for the fact that it is Roman Polanski and this joke. And, of course, the trailer plays up Chan and Tucker's encounter with the former world's tallest man Sun Ming Ming which is about as funny as it is in the trailers and TV commercials.

Then there is Yvan Attal as the snooty French cab driver George. His anti-American schtick takes the film dangerously close to social commentary for all of about 20 seconds before he is tearing through the streets of Paris and screaming I love being an American! Americans by his definition, being the kind of people who are constantly involved in car chases and gunplay.

The problem with Rush Hour 3 is that it just isn't funny enough. You know that when the biggest laugh in the movie comes from a woman with a wig and an oh so timely reference to The Crying Game that the humor is beyond stale. Thankfully, Jackie Chan and director Brett Ratner do well enough with the fight scenes that even the most bored and jaded moviegoer will find themselves compelled, especially in the big Eiffel Tower finale.

The Rush Hour series is tired and running on fumes, like so many third films in Hollywood sequel land. Remember Lethal Weapon3? Ugh!. Rush Hour 3 isn't quite that disastrous but it's not that much better either. Here's hoping that Chan and Tucker move on to bigger and better things. Chan might consider training someone else to take all of those falls that have taken such a toll on him.

As for Chris Tucker, it's nice to see him back on the screen as he does remain a welcome presence. Let's just get past the motormouth cops and get him into something more challenging, or at the very least, something funnier than the retread jokes of Rush Hour 3.

Movie Review: Underdog

Underdog (2007) 

Directed by Frederik Du Chau

Written by Adam Rifkin

Starring Jason Lee, Jim Belushi, Peter Dinklage, Patrick Warburton, John Slattery, Taylor Momsen

Release Date August 3rd, 2007

Published August 3rd, 2007

Was there any need to make the 60's cartoon Underdog into a big budget live action movie? I've heard no clamor or call. No one outside the official Underdog fan club has even thought of Underdog in the near 20 years since the last reruns were exorcised from TV screens. And yet, here we are with Disney dusting off this forgotten pop culture relic with visions of the family dollar dancing in the heads of Disney accountants.

I hope they got their money's worth because we, the movie-going public, certainly do not. This 88 minute cash grab is one of the most dreary projects to come out of the Disney company since the bastardized sequels of their Pixar and other animated properties. Underdog is a deeply misguided, mercenary effort where profit trumps good taste, and stock prices are calculating on box office returns. 

Jason Lee stars as the voice of Underdog a former K9 cop turned lab rat who, after getting zapped by some chemicals, develops super powers. Escaping the lab of the evil doctor Simon Barr Sinister (slumming Station Agent star Peter Dinklage), Underdog ends taken in by a security guard (Jim Belushi) and his troubled son (Alex Neuberg). Nicknamed shoeshine for his proclivity for licking shoes, Underdog slowly learns that he has powers before the boy helps him become a superhero.

No points for for guessing that the troubled boy is healed by his new best friend and that father and son are brought closer together as they are forced to team up against Barr Sinister and his henchman Cad (Patrick Warburton). You could guess how this plot plays out without having to sit through this mind-numbing cliché of family movie drivel.

The key to such a predictable plot is trying to reinvent, or at the very least dress up, your familiar elements with jokes, action or effects. Underdog fails in all three of those attempts. The jokes of Underdog are limited to eye rolling dog puns about what dogs like to eat, where they like to poop and how they interact i.e the butt sniffing joke you can anticipate well before it comes.

The action is even more lame than the jokes. Mirroring the equally painful family dog picture Firehouse Dog, Underdog is just a series of bad CGI talking dogs against ugly fake green screened environments. The action and the effects of Underdog are inextricably linked thus if the action is lame, the effects must be as bad or even worse.

Looking at the cast of Underdog you can't be surprised to see the name of Jim Belushi on the cast list. What is shocking and sad is the career destruction of Jason Lee. Yes, it's only his voice in the role of Underdog but nevertheless, you have to dock him a bunch of cool points for his willingness to utter such lame jokes. Worse yet, Lee will follow Underdog by starring as Dave in a live action Alvin & The Chipmunks. Ugh.

I've already heard from one former Jason Lee fan who has completely written him off now that he seems to be taking the Eddie Murphy path to the easy family movie paycheck. Even more desperate than Lee is Peter Dinklage who truly lowers himself to play the villain in Underdog. The man who became an actor to watch after his terrific performance in The Station Agent, is now flailing and gesticulating desperately as he tries to cover up this failure with wild gesturing.

I'm sure that someone thought that making a live action version of Underdog would be fun but most of the people behind this lame adaptation likely only saw dollar signs. There was no call for a live action update of Underdog. No large contingent of fans lying in wait for Disney to wake up and realize the property they held was so valuable. Like the brutal Rocky & Bullwinkle movie from a few years back, Underdog is not a cartoon that cried out for live action adaptation. Rather,Underdog is a 60's relic barely notable enough to require a DVD collection.

Even a straight to video launch would have been too much for this waste of screen space.

Movie Review Hot Rod

Hot Rod (2007)

Directed by Akiva Schaffer

Written by Pam Brady

Starring Andy Samberg, Ian McShane, Isla Fisher

Release Date August 3rd, 2007

Published August 3rd, 2007

Andy Samberg was the MVP of Saturday Night Live recently thanks to his terrifically funny digital short films Lazy Sunday and Dick In A Box. Samberg has brought SNL the kind of cultural cache that the show hasn't had in over a decade which makes his move to the big screen a well anticipated event. It also unfortunately stokes my disappointment in Samberg's feature film debut.

Hot Rod, the story of a teenage stuntman, is a lame attempt to expand on Samberg's talent for physical humor with none of the wit that made Lazy Sunday a YouTube classic.

Rod (Samberg) dreams of one day becoming a world famous stuntman. For now he is content putting on stunt shows for the younger kids in the neighborhood. Though, as we meet him, his stunts consist mostly of his ugly crashes, Rod never loses hope that one day he will hit the big jump that will make him a legend and earn him the respect of his step-father (Ian Mcshane).

Rod's relationship with his step-dad is strained. The two do battle in hand to hand combat on a regular basis, putting a real hurt on one another; with real weapons and fists, in the family basement while Mom (Sissy Spacek) remains clueless. Despite the acrimony, when his step-dad grows ill and needs an operation to save his life, Rod steps up with a plan to use his stunt skills to raise the money to save his life, if only so he can finally kick the old guy's ass.

Naturally, there is a love interest for Rod. Isla Fisher (Wedding Crashers) plays Denise, Rod's neighbor who remains oblivious to Rod's obvious crush on her. As a plot this typically dictates, Denise has a jerk boyfriend (Will Arnett) who will no doubt lose his girl to the sweet, earnest Rod.

Hot Rod was directed by Akiva Schaffer who is one third of the Lonely Island Comedy team with Samberg and Hot Rod co-star Jorma Taccone. The trio has worked together since they were teenagers and when Samberg got his SNL gig, based on one of their popular internet videos, he brought Schaffer and Taccone along with him as writers.

In their work; Samberg, Schaffer and Taccone have shown a real knack for modern culture and ironic wit. Why that did not translate in Hot Rod likely has a lot to do with trying to meld their talents with what is a rather mundane formulaic concept. Reduced to trying to squeeze their brand of irony in between all of the goofball slapstick, Samberg and company are left with snarky music cues and vague homages to 80's cultural icons, though thankfully no Hasselhoff.

Hot Rod is yet another of those really disappointing Hollywood comedies where the best stuff is the trailer. Searching my memory for one funny scene that I hadn't already seen in the film's ad campaign; I'm at a loss. The ramp collapsed? Funny in the trailer; less funny in the movie. The exploding stunt and subsequent exchange with a malcontent viewer? Funny in the trailer, forgettable in the context of the movie.

And on and on, anything funny in the trailer is all that was mildly amusing in the film itself. What is left of Hot Rod are allegedly humorous bits of music placement. If you think the simple fact that someone listens to the long lost hair band Europe is funny, then you will get a chuckle out of Hot Rod. If you think a character singing a karaoke version of George Michael's One More Try to his stuffed animals is a laugh riot? Then Hot Rod is your movie.

Whoops, sorry, I may have given away this movie's two jokes that aren't in the trailer.

Hot Rod is a real disappointment. Andy Samberg is a talented kid who can and likely will do better. Being that Hot Rod was a script originally intended for Will Ferrell, Samberg would be well instructed to find and develop something of his own. Or, at the very least, something more suited to his quirky talents. Hot Rod is, I hope, beneath the talent of Mr. Samberg and not the definition of his talents on the big screen.