Movie Review The Nun

The Nun (2018) 

Directed by Corin Hardy

Written by Gary Dauberman 

Starring Taissa Farmiga, Demian Bechir, Jonas Bloquet, Bonnie Aarons

Release Date September 7th, 2018

Published September 7th, 2023 

I love the visual of The Nun. Whether she's a malevolent painting or taking on a physical form that looks like The Terrifier crossed with a Nun cosplay, The Nun is a strong figure of terror. The face of actor Bonnie Aarons is twisted and contorted via makeup and effects to create a haunting visual that lingers in the imagination in the way great horror villains do. Aarons doesn't get enough credit for making this character so memorable, even iconic. Without here expressive face and the way she physically imposes this character on others is the main reason why The Nun is, perhaps, the best thing that has come from The Conjuring universe of horror movies. 

In fairness, however, The Nun is also blessed not to have the burden of the Warrens dragging her down in her solo movies. I admire Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga but they've extended the fame of a pair of con artists for far too long. The Conjuring movies are cut and paste demonic possession movies that play the same beats over and over again while playing the 'Based on True Events' card as is they can trick the audience into buying what the Warren's tried to sell the world for years, a pack of lies about their ability to speak to the dead. 

The Conjuring movies overflow with nonsense in which ghosts move furniture, dump items from open cabinets, and are a general nuisance. The Nun on the other hand proceeds from a supernatural premise and never asks that you buy into the reality of this malevolent being. The Nun is a demonic monster, it has almost limitless power, and there are only a rare few who can go against The Nun and live to tell the story. The Nun has a clear purpose, it wants to harm people so that it might affect an escape from the Abbey in which is trapped. 

Find my full length review of Horror.Media 

My Movie Pitch: Ghost Jerks

Ghost Jerks 2030

Directed by Sean Patrick

Written by Sean Patrick

Starring Kevin James, Vince Vaughn, Winona Ryder, Christoph Waltz 

Premise Two bored ghosts play innocent pranks on the family that now lives in their former home. Things change when an evil ghost moves in and tries to harm the family forcing the slacker ghosts to become heroes and risk their cushy ghostly lives in the process. 

Pitch: Mitch (Kevin James) and Dave (Vince Vaughn) are dead. They died years ago, years apart while living in the same suburban home. For the past 30 years they've tormented and pranked families, chasing them out of this otherwise idyllic home by turning pictures upside down, moving dressers and generally being ghostly pests. There 'after-life' changes forever when another new family moves in. The Forrester girls, Maggie (Winona Ryder), and her two daughters, 16 year old Ivy and 10 year old Dakota, have bought the house at a super low price due to the home's reputation for being haunted. 

Mitch and Dave, being selfish and proud, set about trying to get rid of the new family until they find out that Dakota can speak to the spirits. Not only can Dakota see Mitch and Dave, she can talk to them and the two ghosts, whether our of boredom, or the longing for their own long lost family, begin to befriend Dakota, playing pranks on her mean-girl older sister, various different babysitters, and their favorite target, Dakota's uptight, high strung aunt. 

The plot kicks in however when a malevolent ghost, played by Christoph Waltz enters the picture. He wants to use Dakota's powers to free him to be reborn on to the Earth so that he can enact a plague that will help him to conquer the world. He's been around for hundreds of years and has not really updated to the times. He was imprisoned in a cave for over a century so he still has 19th century manners and tastes and affectations, stuff Mitch and Dave can poke fun at. When the evil ghost employs a pair of criminals in the real world to help him capture and hold the family while he attacks Dakota, it's up to Mitch and Dave to test the boundaries of their own ghostly powers to protect their new young friend and her family. 

Hijinks ensue. 

Find my full length article at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Calendar Girl

Calendar Girl (1993) 

Directed by John Whitesell 

Written by Paul Shapiro 

Starring Jason Priestley, Jerry O'Connell, Gabriel Olds, Joe Pantoliano, Steve Railsback 

Release Date September 3rd, 1993

Published September 6th, 2023 

Three teenage creeps decide to drive up to the home of a movie star because they believe she will have sex with them if they explain that they have been fans of hers for years. That's the premise of a comedy in which these three creeps are treated like harmless scamps on an adventure. Watching the movie Calendar Girl is a bleak reminder of how much our culture has dehumanized Marilyn Monroe and normalized any and all male desires as harmless parts of being a man. I'm going to be told that I am taking this too seriously and if you're the one saying that, you should keep reading, you have a lot to learn. 

Calendar Girls stars Jason Priestley as Roy Darpinian, a troubled teenager with a distant father (Steve Railsback), who works as debt collector for the local mob. Roy is about to join the army and has only a few days before he leaves.  Roy wants to spend these last few days with his best school pals, Ned (Gabriel Olds), and Dood (Jerry O'Connell). The three pals facing down having to get started on life post-High School decide a road trip in order. That road trip just happens to be a trip to Hollywood and a stop at Marilyn Monroe's house. 

Ned, though the most bland of these three white bread dorks, is possibly the biggest creep. He carries around a bible with him wherever he goes. Nothing wrong with that except that it is not an actual bible. Rather, it's a serial killer level collage of photos and details about the life of Marilyn Monroe. So extensive is Ned's obsession with Marilyn that he has somehow located her actual home address. With no one to tell them not to, as this is a fully consequence free universe, the three friends steal a car and head to Hollywood. 

There is an old proverb about a dog chasing a car and the ultimate question: what will the dog do if he actually caught the car? This is an apt analogy for our three moronic protagonists in Calendar Girl. What do they do when they meet Marilyn Monroe? What is the ultimate goal? According to Roy, they 'Canoe' her. I'm not having a stroke here, I'm not mishearing something, that's what the character played by Jason Priestley makes very clear. He believes that he and his friends should 'Canoe' Marilyn Monroe. Those who take things literally are very confused right now. Do they want to take her on a canoe trip? No, they most assuredly do not want that. 

No, for reasons that have broken my brain since I saw this abysmal movie, to 'Canoe' is to have sex. Roy believes that these three men who have never met Marilyn Monroe should have the goal of having sex with her when they meet her. He lays out how vulnerable Marilyn is having recently been fired from a movie and having recently parted ways with husband Henry Miller. It's the perfect time for three teenage creeps to go to her house and convince her to have sex with them. And somehow, a group of people made a movie with this concept and treat this idea as if it were a wacky, good-natured, adventure. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media