Movie Review Blind

Blind

Directed by Michael Mailer

Written by John Buffalo Mailer, Diane Fisher

Starring Alec Baldwin, Demi Moore

Release Date July 14th, 2017

In the vast landscape of cinematic experiences, where masterpieces and mediocrities coexist, there emerges an occasional anomaly that defies categorization, a film so remarkably and incomprehensibly awful that it transcends the boundaries of conventional criticism. "Blind," a 2017 film directed by Michael Mailer, stands as a testament to this cinematic aberration, a work of such profound ineptitude that it can comfortably share the stage with the likes of Tommy Wiseau's "The Room" and not feel out of place.

"Blind" is a cinematic train wreck of epic proportions, a film that squanders the talents of formerly big-name stars Alec Baldwin and Demi Moore, reducing them to amateurs through a script, editing, and direction that can only be described as amateurish at best and intentionally incompetent at worst. The film's narrative centers on Bill Oakland, a once-famed novelist rendered blind by a tragic car accident that claimed the life of his wife. Five years later, he's a bitter, disillusioned college writing professor who spends his days berating volunteers who come to read to him the work of his students. Bill's life takes an unexpected turn when he encounters Suzanne Dutchman, the wife of a Bernie Madoff-esque con man serving time behind bars.

While this synopsis may suggest a straightforward narrative, "Blind" is anything but. The film's script, penned by first-time screenwriter Diane Fisher, is a labyrinth of bewildering dialogue and nonsensical character interactions. Actors deliver their lines with a stilted awkwardness that suggests they've never uttered words before, while characters engage in exchanges that defy the norms of human interaction.

The film's supporting cast is equally perplexing. Characters are introduced and discarded with a haphazardness that suggests they were borrowed from other films and had to be returned in a hurry. One such character, a young aspiring writer who seeks Bill's mentorship, appears as if plucked from a bad remake of "Finding Forrester," only to vanish without a trace after serving his expository purpose.

Dylan McDermott's portrayal of Demi Moore's husband, a stock manipulator with a thick Queens accent, is a masterclass in expositional dialogue. McDermott's character narrates his every thought and action, leaving nothing to the audience's imagination. This penchant for overt exposition extends to most of the film's characters, who seem incapable of interacting without explaining their relationships and motivations to each other and the audience.

The film's visual language is equally disorienting. Scenes are edited with a jarring abruptness, creating a sense of disjointedness that mirrors the narrative's incoherence. The cinematography is uninspired, relying on clichéd close-ups and awkward camera angles that fail to capture any sense of intimacy or emotional depth.

One particularly cringe-worthy scene involves Demi Moore giving Alec Baldwin a shave. The scene, intended to be intimate and sensual, is rendered unintentionally comedic by the stilted dialogue and the palpable lack of chemistry between the two actors. Baldwin's character's leering remarks about Moore's childhood experiences with her father add a layer of creepiness to the scene, while the camera's erratic movements and the use of an obviously dull razor only serve to heighten the sense of absurdity.

In the annals of cinematic misfires, "Blind" stands as a monument to incompetence, a film so profoundly awful that it transcends the boundaries of conventional criticism. It is a cinematic experience that must be seen to be believed, a testament to the power of bad filmmaking to both bewilder and amuse in equal measure.


Movie Review The House

The House

Directed by Andrew Jay Cohen

Written by Brendan O'Brien, Andrew Jay Cohen

Starring Will Ferrell, Amy Poehler, Jason Mantzoukas, Ryan Simpkins

Release Date June 30th, 2017


The movie "The House," starring Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler, is a comedy about a married couple who start an illegal casino in their suburban home to pay for their daughter's college tuition. Unfortunately, the film fails to deliver on its comedic potential, resulting in a disappointing and unfunny experience.

The movie's premise revolves around Scott and Kate, played by Ferrell and Poehler, who find themselves in a financial bind when their daughter's college scholarship falls through. Desperate to find a solution, they turn to their friend Frank, who suggests they open an illegal casino in his house. The idea is simple: capitalize on the boredom of their suburban neighbors and their willingness to gamble.

However, "The House" suffers from a lack of originality and comedic execution. The humor relies heavily on clichés and excessive improvisation, which often falls flat. The characters lack depth and feel more like caricatures than real people. The film's reliance on improv, without a strong directorial hand to guide the narrative and performances, results in a series of disjointed and unfunny gags.

One particularly cringeworthy scene involves Ferrell's character accidentally cutting off a man's finger during a cheating dispute. The scene is chaotic and drawn out, with the intended humor completely lost in the poorly executed slapstick. This scene exemplifies the film's overall comedic failure, where jokes are rushed and poorly executed, leaving the audience with a sense of discomfort rather than amusement.


The weak script and lack of direction also highlight a recurring issue in Will Ferrell's filmography. While Ferrell is a talented comedic actor, his movies often suffer from a lack of discipline and focus. Films like "Blades of Glory," "Talladega Nights," "Step Brothers," and "Semi-Pro" all had comedic potential but ultimately disappointed due to an overreliance on improvisation and a lack of narrative cohesion.

In "The House," jokes are thrown at the audience without proper setup or payoff. Character traits are introduced randomly and then overplayed, resulting in tedious and unfunny gags. For example, Ferrell's character's fear of numbers is played for laughs but quickly becomes tiresome due to its lack of context and development.

The film's overall tone is grating and uninspired. Even the opening credits, featuring the cliché song choice of "My House" by Flo Rida, feel forced and unfunny. The attempt to draw a parallel between the movie's title and the song's lyrics is painfully obvious and lacks any comedic value.

In conclusion, "The House" is a disappointing comedy that fails to deliver on its potential. The film's reliance on clichés, excessive improvisation, and weak script results in a series of unfunny and forgettable gags. The characters lack depth and the overall tone is grating and uninspired. "The House" serves as a reminder that even talented comedic actors like Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler need a strong script and directorial vision to create a truly funny and memorable film.


Classic Movie Review Adventures in Babysitting

Adventures in Babysitting

Directed by Chris Columbus

Written by David Simkins

Starring Elizabeth Shue, Maia Brewton, Keith Coogan

Release Date July 3rd, 1987

The 1987 film "Adventures in Babysitting," directed by Chris Columbus, remains a nostalgic favorite for many who grew up in the 80s, particularly young girls. Despite some of its outdated elements that haven't aged well, the movie's heart was always in the right place, a quality that many 80s teen comedies lacked.

The film stars Elizabeth Shue as Chris Parker, a resourceful teenager who finds herself babysitting for the Anderson family after her boyfriend cancels their date. Chris is tasked with looking after Sara (Maia Brewton) and Brad (Keith Coogan), who has a long-standing crush on Chris.

The adventure begins when Chris's friend Brenda (Penelope Ann Miller) runs away from home and calls Chris for help. Chris has no choice but to take the kids with her to downtown Chicago to pick up Brenda from a bus station. Brad's friend Daryl (Anthony Rapp) tags along, threatening to tell their parents if Chris doesn't let him join them.


On their way, they encounter a series of mishaps, including a blown tire on the expressway. The group must find a way to get their car fixed and return to the suburbs by 1 AM before the parents get home. They face various challenges, including a quirky tow truck driver, a car thief who surprisingly helps them out of dangerous situations, and even a musical number at a blues restaurant where they sing alongside the legendary Albert Collins.

"Adventures in Babysitting" marked Chris Columbus's directorial debut, and its rough edges are part of its charm. Early in his career, Columbus often explored themes of disrupting suburban normalcy with wacky adventures. Growing up in the Chicago suburbs himself, Columbus displays a fondness for the upper-middle-class lifestyle, even as he uses their experiences as a source of humor when they venture into the unfamiliar city.

While the film doesn't offer profound social commentary, it effectively uses the well-known trope of naive individuals navigating a big city they're unprepared for. The movie's strength lies in its execution, making it an enjoyable and entertaining experience. "Adventures in Babysitting" doesn't pretend to be anything more than a lighthearted and silly adventure, and it succeeds in that regard.

Revisiting the film years later, some may find that it doesn't hold up to their childhood memories. However, for others, it can still evoke a sense of childlike wonder and appreciation. The young cast appears to have had a great time, and while some of Columbus's adult humor may feel awkward or uncomfortable in hindsight, it remains mostly harmless. Most importantly, the film maintains a sense of good-heartedness.

One particularly touching scene involves Sara, the youngest child, who is obsessed with the comic book character Thor. She encounters a mechanic played by Vincent D'onofrio, who resembles her hero. When he is rude to them, Sara, believing he is maintaining a secret identity, offers him her cherished Thor helmet. It's a simple yet heartwarming scene that showcases Columbus's ability to create genuine and touching moments within a comedic context.

While the film does contain some racially and sexually insensitive elements that haven't aged well, it's important to consider the context of its time. "Adventures in Babysitting" was not intentionally malicious but rather a product of a less enlightened era.

Judged by the standards of its day, the film stands as an above-average teen comedy with a positive message and genuine laughs. It's a testament to a first-time director embracing the creative process and delivering a fun and memorable experience. "Adventures in Babysitting" may be silly and nonsensical, but it holds a special place in popular culture that many continue to enjoy and revisit.


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