Movie Review Reno 911 Miami

Reno 911 Miami (2007) 

Directed by Robert Ben Garant

Written by Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon, Kerri Kenney Silver 

Starring Thomas Lennon, Robert Ben Garant, Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Kerri Kenney Silver 

Release Date February 23rd, 2007 

Published February 23rd, 2007 

Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant are the team behind some of the worst screenplays in the past decade. The Pacifier, Taxi, Night at the Museum, Let's Go To Prison amongst others, ugh. The screenplay is simply not their forte. As they demonstrate on Comedy Central's inspired improv series Reno 911, Lennon and Garant's talent lies in spontaneity and invention. In the comic moment they know where to find the joke.

Now, with Reno 911 Miami, Lennon and Garant finally have an example of their talent on the big screen. Now if we can just convince them to stop writing screenplays.

The cops of the Reno police department are incompetent goofs whose days are spent chasing naked meth freaks and shooting at loose chickens. This ragtag bunch has never been a respected group of cops which makes their invitation to the national police convention in Miami something of a surprise. That is until they get to the part where it says every cop in the country is invited.

Hopping a bus to Miami the Reno sheriff's arrive to find they have no reservations and end up at a flea pit motel where... well the less said about what happens in the following scene the better. The following day when our heroes attempt to attend the cops convention they find the building sealed off by homeland security. Every cop in Miami is inside that building leaving only the Reno cops to step in and patrol the streets.

That is the setup of what is, essentially just an extended episode of the TV series. The cops get cool new Miami Sheriffs uniforms, new vehicles to destroy and wholly new ways to demonstrate their incompetence. Directed by Garant with scenarios written by Lennon and fellow cast member Kerri Kenney, Reno 911 Miami is not exactly groundbreaking but it is pretty funny.

Sloughing off the strict rules of cable television the Reno crew indulges their basest instincts. From foul language to nudity to some truly horrifying sexual situations, the Reno crew really indulges in the freedom of the R-rating, something they can't take full advantage of on TV.

The best moments of Reno 911 Miami are the star cameos. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, comedian Patton Oswalt and a nearly unrecognizable Paul Rudd each are allowed some of the biggest laughs in the film. Rudd especially has a few big moments as a Miami drug lord who randomly kidnaps the Reno cops to warn them not to investigate him, something they had not been doing anyway.

Reno 911 is a funny TV show that really didn't need a theatrical feature. As a feature it's just as funny as an average episode of the TV show only with a little extra on the bathroom humor and the language. The R-rating isn't exactly a plus, often on the TV show the bleeping was as funny as any curse that might be uttered.

Fans of the TV series will be more than satisfied with this feature length version. For the uninitiated, Reno 911 Miami will provide a few big laughs but nothing they couldn't see on Comedy Central 3 or 4 times a week.

Movie Review Rampage

Rampage (2018) 

Directed by Brad Peyton

Written by Carlton Cuse, Ryan Engle, Ryan J. Condal, Adam Sztykiel

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Malin Akerman, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Naomie Harris 

Release Date April 13th, 2018 

Published April 12th, 2018 

Rampage stars Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson as Primatologist, Dr. Davis Okoye. A former military officer, Davis specialized in battling poachers in Africa. That’s where Davis met his best friend, George (Jason Liles, in full motion capture), a giant white ape. Davis brought George to America to keep him away from poachers who would pay a hefty price for such a rare creature. Over the years, George became a leader and he and Davis developed communication via sign language.

The plot kicks in when a plane carrying an experimental serum belonging to an evil corporation that specializes in… being evil, crashes, it exposes George and several other animals to the evil serum and causes them to grow out of control. Aside from George, the evil serum affects a wolf that develops the ability to fly and a crocodile that eventually swims across the country, even where there isn’t a large body of water, to enact destruction upon Chicago. 

The evil corporation, I assume, intends to weaponize the animals afflicted by the serum. When they turn on a beacon on top of their evil skyscraper it sends out a signal to the now monstrously over-sized animals that causes them to go crazy and make a mad dash for Chicago. Only Davis and a former scientist for the evil corporation, Dr. Kate Caldwell (Naomie Harris), can stop the animals from destroying Chicago… in a Rampage. Ha! 

Rampage sounds like a lot of fun, in description. Unfortunately, as directed by Brad Peyton, director of the equally forgettably competent, San Andreas, it’s merely a movie that exists. Rampage has no personality, no life, no charm. Everything in the movie is in frame, it looks professional and the CGI is well-produced. Competency however, is only part of a good movie and Rampage is missing those other essential qualities. 

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is one of the most entertaining movie stars of recent times and yet even his charm can’t bring Rampage to life. Like his performance in the recent flop Skyscraper, The Rock’s performance is muted, he doesn’t go for the jokes and appears to be taking the silliness of Rampage far too seriously. There are too many scenes that appear to be going for action movie suspense when they should be going for the kind of goofball, comic thrills The Rock gets in his Fast and Furious franchise. 

Malin Akerman, Jake Lacy and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, who plays a wacky CIA Agent, on the other hand, as opposed to The Rock, appear to know what movie they are in. Though they don’t achieve much flying in the face of the overly serious direction and score, the three supporting players try hard to bring laughs to their roles. These three get that a movie with giant animals on a ‘Rampage’ in a big city is not something to be taken too seriously. 

Morgan is unquestionably the best thing about Rampage, aside from the terrific creature effects. Morgan is grinning and giggling throughout Rampage and affects a bizarre drawl that is laughably over the top. Morgan’s looseness and giant grin are a clear port in a storm of boring exposition and tepid, acceptably well produced action. It’s a wonder Morgan isn’t a bigger star, he’s got personality to spare and as seen in Rampage, he can steal scenes from both The Rock and giant CGI animals. 

The biggest problem with Rampage is an approach that takes the material way too seriously. I get that giant animals attacking a large city would be something we would have to take seriously were it to ever happen but let’s be real here. This is a silly premise that needs to be treated as such for the movie to work. The supporting players get that and act accordingly comic, with Akerman twirling an absent mustache and Lacy being slimy and weaselly and Morgan making a joke of the whole thing. 

Sadly, The Rock, the most charismatic star in the world today, fails to get the joke of Rampage and in the star missing the joke, the movie fails. Director Brad Peyton especially needed to get the joke of Rampage and he completely misses the boat by going for genuine action movie suspense rather than amping up the goofiness ala The Fast and Furious franchise or the recent Jurassic World movies. That kind of approach could have made Rampage a classic. As it is, I don’t even recommend it as a time wasting rental.

Movie Review Skyscraper

Skyscraper (2018)

Directed by Rawson Marshall Thurber 

Written by Rawson Marshall Thurber 

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Chin Han, Roland Moller, Neve Campbell, Pablo Schreiber

Release Date July 13th, 2018

Published July 12th, 2018 

Releasing Skyscraper on the same weekend time frame when Die Hard was released 30 years earlier was a bad idea. Tributes abound this weekend to the staying power and quality of Die Hard and those who revisit the Bruce Willis classic will not look favorably upon the similarly plotted but far less accomplished Skyscraper. Just how bad is Skyscraper? Not even Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and his megawatt smile can save it.

Skyscraper stars The Rock as Will Sawyer, a former Army Ranger turned FBI Agent and now family man and entrepreneur. After retiring from the FBI following a mission that ended tragically, Will started a family with his wife Sarah, who happened to save his life after he nearly died in that failed raid I just mentioned. Will has also just launched his own security firm. Will’s pal Ben (Pablo Schreiber) has even gone to great lengths to get him his first client and what a client he is.

Zhao (Chin Han) has just opened the world’s largest building; he calls it ‘The Pearl’ for the giant pearl design that sits above the 200th floor. Before he can open the residential section of ‘The Pearl’ however, Zhao needs to get insured and that means a full security systems check and that leads him to Will. Unfortunately, for both Zhao and Will, a group of terrorists want something that Zhao has locked away inside ‘The Pearl’ and they will go to extreme measures to get it.

Director Rawson Marshall Thurber is best known for the Ben Stiller comedy “Dodgeball.” He could have used some of that film’s sense of humor and good nature as Skyscraper is a dry, joyless exercise in simple minded, plot-heavy idiocy. The script, also by Thurber, is bursting at the seams with clumsy, forced, exposition to the point where characters communicate plot points by speaking out loud to no one but the movie watching audience.

I’m not kidding, at one point, the main baddie of Skyscraper, played by Roland Moller, talks to no one in particular and makes mention of something important to the plot of the movie. Later, The Rock is also alone and also expositing plot points to no one but us and the scene is so forced and clumsy that even Rock’s billion dollar charisma can’t sell the line. The Rock could sell ice cubes in the arctic but the awful dialogue of Skyscraper fully defeats him.

I’m a huge fan of Dwayne Johnson and I have been since his early days in the WWE. He’s always had an air about him, a swagger, a star presence that, even in subpar efforts, still shined through. Until now, I thought The Rock was invincible, the kind of actor who unfailingly elevated the movies he chose to star in. Here, however, with Skyscraper, even The Rock’s magnetism is defeated by a terrible script and subpar direction.

This Skyscraper should be condemned! Is what I would say if I were a terrible critic looking to score a cheap giggle. Instead, I will say that Skyscraper is one of the worst movies of 2018, a flat, dull-witted bit of action nonsense that can’t hold a candle to its undoubted influencer, Die Hard which, even 30 years later, feels fresh, fun and exciting and more so when compared to the dreck of Skyscraper.

Movie Review The Condemned

The Condemned (2007)

Directed by Scott Wiper

Written by Scott Wiper, Rob Hedden 

Starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, Vinny Jones, Robert Mammone, Rick Hoffman

Release Date April 27th, 2007 

Published August 16th, 2007

WWE owner Vince McMahon is still ticked off that Dwayne ‘The Rock' Johnson managed to become a major movie star without Vince's help. Ever since The Rock left the WWE for Hollywood Vince has been determined to make movie stars of his wrestlers while they are still working for him. Thus, last year audiences were treated to WWE star Glen 'Kane' Jacobs in the forgettable horror flick See No Evil.

That film was followed by WWE champion John Cena in The Marine in early 2007. Both of those films tanked at the box office but that is not slowing down the WWE owner's determination to make movies. McMahon and company have gone back to the well one more time with the action movie The Condemned.

WWE superstar Stone Cold Steve Austin stars in The Condemned as Jack Conrad, a navy seal left behind in a South American prison after a black ops mission gone bad. Sentenced to death, Jack is plucked off of death row by an American millionaire with some ugly intentions. Ian Breckel (Robert Mammone) is creating the ultimate high stakes reality show and Jack Conrad is going to be the star attraction.

The Condemned is a competition in which 10 condemned prisoners are transported to a remote island filled with cameras. The premise is to have the former death row inmates from around the globe battle to the death. The last man or woman left standing will be released with some money in their pocket. The whole show will be filmed and broadcast worldwide on the net.

It's a premise that's been used a number of times in films as varied as The Running Man and Death Race 2000 to more artful examples like the indie Series 7: The Contenders or the Asian classic Battle Royale. So The Condemned and writer-director Scott Wiper are not exactly treading new ground here. What is different about The Condemned is the oddball way in which The Condemned comes out against the very violence it portrays and intends to thrive upon.

The Condemned is a hard R-rated action movie with some brutal violence and a high body count. It's also a movie with a moralist message that condemns the very violence it proliferates. It's a very strange combination because the movie plays out in such an earnest, straightforwardly violent fashion. The Condemned plays as if the filmmakers were entirely unaware of the irony.

There is a goofy charm in the way The Condemned unfolds it's moralist plot with hardcore violence. Director Scott Wiper is either a madman genius who gets it so well that he can make you think he doesn't. Or he is so blissfully ignorant that the irony of using hardcore violence to condemn hardcore violence is lost on him in the same way Ed Wood could ignore the strings holding the fake flying saucer in his Plan 9 From Outer Space.

The only really knowing aspect of The Condemned comes from star Stone Cold Steve Austin whose performance is so completely in the know it damn near doubles back on itself and becomes a severe parody. Stone Cold bites into every line with relish and extra cheese. He delivers one-liners with the skill and precision of a Schwarzenegger in one scene and with deathly Stallone/Rambo seriousness in others.

The Condemned is a bizarre combination of hardcore violence and oddball moralizing. It's a film whose premise condemns the very violence it thrives upon and does so with such earnestness that you almost appreciate the naivete of the creators. Their seeming lack of awareness of the irony of their plot is strangely endearing. I can't recommend The Condemned, it's just not a very good movie overall, but for the brave irony appreciators out there, those of you with a strong stomach and stronger sardonic nature, you may find something to enjoy in The Condemned.

Movie Review The Game Plan

The Game Plan (2007) 

Directed by Andy Fickman 

Written by Nichole Millard, Kathryn Price 

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Madison Pettis, Kyra Sedgwick, Morris Chestnut, Roselyn Sanchez

Release Date September 28th, 2007

Published September 27th. 2007

"We're through the looking glass here people" Kevin Costner as Jim Garrison in Oliver Stone's JFK. How does this quote relate, in any way, to the innocuous family comedy The Game Plan starring Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson? Well, ffter watching it, I'm convinced that a conspiracy is afoot. The Walt Disney company is hiding something and I think I know what it is. I'll save the conspiracies for later in the review. I will tell you now; that despite this evil conspiracy, The Rock damn near makes this innocuous, ineffectual, family comedy worth throwing away a Saturday afternoon on. Almost.

In The Game Plan The Rock plays 'The King" aka Joe Kingman, the professional football MVP who is leading his Boston Rebels team to the championship. The swinging bachelor parties late into the night, he has a room where he keeps Chanel branded presents on standby for his favorite girlfriends, and he is something of a jerk to teammates, especially those who put family ahead of having a good time.

Naturally, Joe has his comeuppance coming and it comes in the form of 8 year old Peyton (Madison Pettis) who claims to be his daughter. Indeed, she is the daughter of Joe's ex-wife. The marriage broke up not long after they wed. The wife kept the wedding to herself but now that an emergency has called her out of the country for a month, she's ready to let Joe meet Peyton. Well,  that's Peyton's version of events, mom may not actually know what her daughter is up to.

You don't exactly need a map to see where this one is headed. As directed by Andy Fickman (She's The Man), The Game Plan is as rote and formulaic as any Disney, non-animated, movie. Typical Lessons are learned by daddy and daughter, minor crises arise and are resolved, and if you think that daddy and daughter will end up apart, clearly you don't go to the movies very often.

The one thing that keeps The Game Plan from becoming The Pacifier Part Deux is the presence of The Rock. The former WWE wrestling champion is a highly charismatic presence. Highly likable with a tremendous ability to laugh at himself, the Rock keeps The Game Plan from becoming too treacly and syrupy, though he can't avoid the pitfalls of predictability.

There is a strange parallel between this kind of bland, harmless family comedy and movies like Rob Zombie's Halloween and that is a sneaky sort of conservatism. Family movies and horror movies both reinforce so-called traditional family values. In Halloween, for example, sins are punished by a vengeful god figure, reinforcing traditional Christian values by killing people, especially those sinners who engage in premarital sex.

In The Game Plan, traditional family values are reinforced by showing the life of a swinging single male to be empty and devoid of meaning and fulfillment. It is not until Joe meets his daughter and begins building a family, including a potential new mommy in Roselyn Sanchez, his daughter's ballet teacher, that Joe's life begins to gain meaning. There is no biblical punishment for Joe should he not get on the right path but, as laid out in this mindless, Disney universe, Joe's life will be meaningless without the traditional family structure.

Conspiracy? Maybe. But it's not the only conspiracy at work in The Game Plan. Cue spooky X-Files scene transition music. I'm now convinced of a Disney conspiracy alongside my family values conspiracy. The mouse house is hiding a terrifying piece of technology somewhere in the bowels of the magic kingdom. It's a computer running a program that writes bland, inoffensive, family movie scripts that feature the same predictable moments of pathos, bathos, bathroom humor and slapstick, all wrapped up in a happily ever after bow.

Just think what horrors might be unleashed if this technology were to fall into the wrong hands. For goodness sake Disney, destroy this computer before it destroys us all by creating the ultimate bland, inoffensive family comedy and lulls all of us into a state of mild amusement and mindless familiarity.

Ok, despite my conspiracy theories, there is nothing even modestly dangerous about The Game Plan. In fact, if you are desperate for a family movie, you could do much worse than this. Though I won't remember this movie in about an hour, I wasn't entirely bored while watching it because Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson is such a charmer.

Though I think The Game Plan will be a hit at the box office I wouldn't worry about seeing it opening weekend. It won't be long before this simpleminded PG rated comedy will run on an endless loop on The Disney Channel or ABC Family, or on some conspiratorial combination of TBS, WGN and TNT, hmm, I wonder who's behind all of this. Sorry, just theorizing again.

Movie Review Gridiron Gang

Gridiron Gang (2006) 

Directed by Phil Joanou

Written by Jeff Maguire

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Xhibit, Leon Rippy, Kevin Dunn

Release Date September 15th, 2006

Published September 14th, 2006

Gridiron Gang is yet another formula sports flick with all of the beats, lyrics and tear jerker elements the genre is known for. So how does it manage to be better than most similar formula sports flicks? It's all about the star power. Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson is a rising star whose massive wrestlers frame is matched by a thousand watt smile, a self deprecating sense of humor, and the kind of charm only seen in the biggest movie stars. The Rock's presence turns the simplistic, slightly tacky, recycled plot of Gridiron Gang into an inviting, entertaining piece of formula filmmaking.

At Camp Kilpatrick, on the outskirts of affluent Malibu, California, guard Sean Porter (The Rock) is fighting a losing battle. Year after year he watches in futility as his teenage prisoners repeat the mistakes that got them to Camp Kilpatrick after they get released. Kilpatrick is a youth facility where criminal teens kill time till they turn 18 and are returned to the street. The stats say that nearly 80 percent of the kids released from Kilpatrick will either find themselves in adult prisons or dead.

One day, as Porter is visiting his sick mother, he passes a High School football practice and is struck with a slightly crazy idea. He thinks he can start a football team at Camp Kilpatrick. In pitching the idea to his boss, Paul Higa (Leon Rippy), Porter points out that the problems these kids have with discipline and working well with others can be addressed by playing football.

Higa is dubious but allows Porter and fellow guard Malcolm Moore (rapper Xzibit) to go ahead with forming a team. Porter takes it a step further by approaching a league of Christian High Schools about allowing the newly formed Kilpatrick Mustangs to play a full schedule of games in their league. Can he get the team to come together in a very short time? Can he get these mostly gang affiliated criminals to put aside their street affiliations and play as a team? These are the questions that drive the plot of Gridiron Gang.

Gridiron Gang is based on a television documentary from the husband and wife team of Lee and Linda Stanley who discovered the story of Sean Porter while researching a documentary on juvenile detention facilities. The story they discovered was one of the few true success stories in the often heart rending system of juvenile detention. As the film explains, the football program at Camp Kilpatrick managed to help 75% of the kids who played on that team to avoid returning to their criminal ways after leaving the camp. That is an extraordinary accomplishment, worthy of having made a movie about it.

Director Phil Joanou, best known for his work on some innovative U2 music videos, brings a documentary feel to Gridiron Gang. The aesthetic is often difficult to square with football scenes that go right inside the huddle and on the field (places where obviously documentary cameras could not go) but it is nevertheless an eye capturing visual approach that does work in non-football scenes.

The most important element of Gridiron Gang however, is the lead performance of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. The former WWE superstar is an imposing physical presence, more than filling the intimidating presence of a prison guard, but it is his charm that really makes this role so surprising and entertaining. Coming from the often meat headed world of professional wrestling; it is quite extraordinary to find someone like The Rock with such natural charisma, presence and talent.

Rather than just be intimidating The Rock also shines in his dramatic scenes in Gridiron Gang. The Rock has a natural rapport with his young co-stars and their obvious admiration for him comes through in their performances. Amongst the strong group of young actors Jade Yorker stands out as Willie Weathers a roughneck young gangster who lost his cousin in a drive by and lives for the chance at revenge. Forced to play football with members of the rival gang involved in his cousins death, Willie becomes a difficult charge. His transformation is slow and painful and the film makes good use of this dramatic device.

I've said it before and I will say it again; there is nothing wrong with formula filmmaking. The key is how the formula is applied. The creators of Gridiron Gang apply this formula with eye catching documentary style camerawork and most importantly; by taking advantage of the star power and charisma of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson. The Rock is a true star in the making whose obvious physicality is made even more impressive by his jovial expressiveness and terrific sense of humor. The Rock raises the formula of Gridiron Gang from typical to entertaining.

Movie Review: Tooth Fairy

Tooth Fairy (2010) 

Directed by Michael Lembeck

Written by Babaloo Mandel, Lowell Ganz, Joshua Sternin, Jennifer Ventimilia, Randy Mayhem Singer

Starring Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Ashley Judd, Julie Andrews 

Release Date January 22nd, 2010 

Published January 21st, 2010

Dwayne Johnson's unique, to say the least, career path from professional wrestling to honest to goodness movie star is relatively improbable on the surface. On closer inspection however there is a good deal of calculation to how the man once known as The Rock; OK he's still more or less known as The Rock, has crafted his movie stardom.

A balance of high concept comedy and low weight action pics that always play to the strengths of the handsome, hard bodied Johnson make for the perfect mix to make a guy a star in relatively quick succession. “Tooth Fairy” fits perfectly in The Rock's canon. This high concept comedy plays to his strong ability to poke fun at himself while leaving just enough room to display his physicality.

The Rock stars in “Tooth Fairy” as Derek 'The Tooth Fairy' Thompson a hockey thug known for knocking opponent’s teeth out. Derek is beginning to near the end of his career as a new young superstar is quick to point out early in the film. In Derek's personal life he has even more trouble on his hands. Things are good with his girlfriend Carly (Ashley Judd) but when he almost tells Carly's daughter that there is no tooth fairy, of the mythic kind, Carly is ticked.

Someone else is even more cheesed off and that is the head of the real tooth fairy operation. Yes, the tooth fairy is real and it turns out it is run like a tooth collecting corporation by Lily (Julie Andrews). When she hears of Derek's attempted myth killing she summons him to tooth fairy headquarters for punishment and while Derek thinks he is having a psychotic break, the reality is he is being made a tooth fairy until he learns the value of childish myths.

”Tooth Fairy” is a dopey, high concept, family comedy that aspires to be nothing more. As directed by mainstream film carpenter Michael Lembeck the film is assembled from recycled materials, hammered into place with thudding, groaning laughs and smoothed over with soporific clichés about families, acceptance and growing up.

If there is any reason to see “Tooth Fairy” it is the appeal of Dwayne Johnson. While this is not The Rock at his best, the guy has enough star power and charisma to carry off even the cheesiest of cheeseball gags. Dressed in a tutu or in hockey gear, Johnson has the exceptional ability to make himself the subject of the joke without losing his cool. It's a deftness that only those with real star power can pull off.

I can't give “Tooth Fairy” a forceful recommendation; the film is far too mindless for an audience with discerning standards. But, for those in the mood for mindless or for kids who don't yet know any better, you could do worse than the dippy simulacrum that is “Tooth Fairy.”

Movie Review Megalopolis

 Megalopolis  Directed by Francis Ford Coppola  Written by Francis Ford Coppola  Starring Adam Driver, Nathalie Emmanuel, Giancarlo Esposito...