Classic Movie Review: Loaded Weapon 1

Loaded Weapon 1 (1993) 

Directed by Gene Quintano

Written by Gene Quintano, Don Holley 

Starring Emilio Estevez, Samuel L. Jackson, Kathy Ireland, Whoopi Goldberg 

Release Date February 5th, 1993

Published February 6th, 2023 

On the new Everyone's a Critic Movie Review Podcast Spinoff, Everyone's a Critic 1993, myself and my co-hosts, Amy K, and M.J, watch movies that were released 30 years ago that week. One movie per week and the month of January 1993 was truly awful. It was a miserable time for movies. Leprechaun was mildly entertaining but certainly not great. Body of Evidence was downright traumatizing in how sleazy it was, and Hexed, starring Arye Gross, is among the worst movies Hollywood has produced in the last 30 years. 

Thus far, the best movie we've watched is another of the worst of all time. Children of the Corn 2: The Final Sacrifice is one of the great hidden gems of the So-Bad-Its-Good pantheon. It's one of the best unintentionally funny movies I've ever had the pleasure of watching. But, the pleasure is tinged with it being a solely ironic appreciation. In the first month of the new podcast, we have not seen a single good movie. February changed things immediately. 

On the first weekend of February, 1993, Hollywood managed to finally release a good movie. National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 stars Emilio Estevez and Samuel L. Jackson in a Naked Gun style spoof of the Lethal Weapon movies. This might sound like a tired idea but the reality is that Loaded Weapon 1 is a hidden gem, an oasis of genuinely funny comedy in a sea of terrible movies of the early 1990s. Before the Scary Movie franchise ruined parody movies seemingly for the rest of time, Loaded Weapon 1 stuck to the basics of the spoof genre and created a forgotten classic. 

The plot of Lethal Weapon 1 is brilliantly silly. William Shatner plays General Mortars, a former Army General turned drug kingpin. For reasons that are ingeniously silly, he needs a piece of micro-film to help him turn Cocaine into Girl Scout Cookies that he can distribute via a subsidiary of the Girl Scouts, headed up by Kathy Ireland as Miss Destiny Demeanor. Tim Curry co-stars as the General's right hand man and right away, from the introduction of Curry as Mr. Jigsaw, you get a sense of the wonderful silliness at play. 

A girl scout gets out of a van and begins skipping towards the door of a suburban home. Just before knocking, she stubs out a cigarette. The home is a safe house where an ex-cop, played by Whoopi Goldberg is hiding out. When she finally opens here series of comical front doors and locks, we see Curry dressed as a Girl Scout and speaking with a thick, Middle-European accent. Deadpan, Goldberg invites him in so she can buy cookies and ends up dead. The back and forth in this scene is wonderfully silly and sets a terrific tone for the rest of Loaded Weapon 1. 

From there we will unite our Riggs and Murtagh characters, Emilio Estevez as the haunted and suicidal detective with nothing to lose, Sgt. Jack Colt, and family man detective, on the day before his retirement, Sgt. Wes Luger. Luger also has a tragic backstory where he nearly killed his partner and has since been unable to shoot a gun without shaking uncontrollably, a bit that pays off multiple times in Loaded Weapon 1. Each gag is better than the last. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Consecration

Consecration (2023) 

Directed by Christopher Smith 

Written by Christopher Smith 

Starring Jena Malone, Danny Huston, Janet Suzman 

Release Date February 10th, 2023 

Published February 6th, 2023 

Consecration stars Jena Malone as Grace, a doctor living in America who is called to Scotland when her brother dies under unusual circumstances. Grace's brother, a Priest, is accused of having murdered another Priest before taking his own life. Naturally, Grace does not believe that her brother would have done such a thing or taken his own life. Thus, a mystery unfolds, who killed the Priest and who killed Grace's brother and portrayed it as a suicide? 

Aiding or perhaps hindering Grace's search for the truth is Father Romero (Danny Huston). Father Romero claims to be at the convent where Grace's brother was found to re-consecrate the place and bring it back to God. He claims that he can't do that as long as lies are being told about the death of Grace's brother. So, he offers to help Grace find the truth. Meanwhile, Mother Superior (Janet Suzman) lingers in the back of many scenes looking menacing and admitting that she may have tainted the evidence surrounding the murder and Grace's brother's death. 

Eventually we learn that members of the convent blame a demon for the death of both Priests. A Nun claims that a demon possessed Grace's brother, causing him to murder the other Priest and causing him to take his own life. Whether or not such a demon exists or if the death of Grace's brother was orchestrated by members of the convent is the mystery that drives Consecration as it proceeds through its horror movie story, one bubbling with religious imagery. 

The conclusion of Consecration is frustrating and deeply unsatisfying. The whole thing turns on a Deus Ex Machina that is broad to downright silly. Essentially, one of our characters turns out to be able to be anywhere at anytime and has been orchestrating everything we have seen since the start of the movie. We learn this when we are taken back in time via flashback that shows us everything that the rest of the movie was incapable of implying. 

Jena Malone usually makes better choices than this. Malone is wonderful at playing haunted characters with deep, dark, secrets and yet, Consecration makes her weepy and weak. It doesn't suit her. She ends the movie in a much different place than she began but it feels unearned. Malone is not the wilting flower type, she has a natural strength that she brings to most of her performances. Trying to tamp that down in Consecration via bad wig and weepy eyes simply doesn't work. 

Find my full length review at Horror.Media

Movie Review Linoleium

Linoleum (2023) 

Directed by Colin West 

Written by Colin West 

Starring Jim Gaffigan, Rhea Seahorn. Katelyn Nacon 

Release Date February 24th, 2023 

Published February 19th, 2023 

Linoleum stars Jim Gaffigan as Cameron, a scientist and star of a failing children's television show. Cameron dreams of being an astronaut and as we join the story, he's sending in an application to NASA. And then a corvette falls out of the sky. Inside the car is what looks like a younger, slightly better-looking version of Cameron. Later, he relates the story to his family, including his soon-to-be ex-wife, Erin (Rhea Seahorn), and his loving if capricious daughter, Nora (Katelyn Nacon). Cameron also has a son but I am not even sure he's in the credits for the film, he exists to be indifferent to his father and the story in motion around him. 

Cameron's basement man-cave is stocked with NASA memorabilia which we see as Cameron is sneaking off to sleep apart from his disapproving wife. The following day we learn that the man in the Corvette crash is a scientist and astronaut whose uncanny resemblance to Cameron is intended as a way of commenting on the shortcomings of his dreams. Where this similarly looking man has succeeded in all of Cameron's dreams, Cameron himself, is a failure. This notion culminates in this man, Kent Armstrong, taking Cameron's job as host of his children's show. 

Running parallel to this odd story about Cameron and his doppelganger is that of Cameron's daughter, Nora (Katelyn Nacon). Nora is awkward and acerbic, unpopular at school but not really caring for popularity. Nora then meets Marc (Gabriel Rus), a new kid in school who happens to be the son of Cameron's doppelganger. Nora and Marc slowly build a romantic connection despite Nora saying she's gay more than once early in the film. 

That sounds more problematic than it is as there is an explanation. That said, the explanation is bizarre and may leave some audience members deeply confused. The final act of Linoleum sees three parallel stories seemingly merge at different points in time. Characters begin to merge in terms of timelines and it all coalesces into a very interesting conclusion, though one that remains open to interpretation. I can understand audiences that are deeply put off by how Linoleum plays out. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Classic Movie Review Untamed Heart

Untamed Heart (1993) 

Directed by Tony Bill 

Written by Tom Sierchio 

Starring Marisa Tomei, Christian Slater, Rosie Perez 

Release Date February 12th, 1993 

Published February 12th, 2023 

So... let's see if I understand this correctly. We are going to work this out together, you and me, dear reader. Christian Slater is a grown adult who still believes that when he was a child living in the jungle that his father stole magical rubies from a Baboon King to try and save Slater's characters life. When the Baboon King, who was trying to murder Slater's father, finds out that the rubies are for trying to save the child, the Baboon King tears out his own heart and puts it into the child Christian Slater's chest. He believes this story still, as an adult working at diner, that he tells this to the women he's been stalking/falling in love with. 

That's something that a human being wrote down and then made into a movie. Untamed Heart is a wild damn disaster of a romantic drama. It's a bizarre movie that appears to think it's perfectly normal for a grown man to rarely speak and believe that he has a baboon heart so thoroughly that he doesn't want to get a heart transplant that might prolong his life. And he's the romantic lead in this movie. No, he's not the little brother who suffered a head injury as a child that the actual romantic lead in the movie takes care of because their parents are gone, he's the actual lead in the movie. 

Okay, yeah, that's completely insane. Marisa Tomei is the actual star of Untamed Heart as a diner waitress named Caroline. While walking home late one night, Caroline is accosted by a pair of mashers, played by Kyle Secor and Willie Garson. Secor attempts to sexually assault Caroline but is thwarted by Adam (Christian Slater). He scoops up an unconscious Caroline and takes her home where he places her on a porch swing and spends hours watching her sleep. Yeah! 

By this point, it's been established that though Caroline and Adam have worked together for some time, he doesn't speak to her or really anyone if he doesn't absolutely have to. So, if they don't know each other, how does Adam know where she lives? Well, he's been stalking Caroline for weeks, perhaps months at a time. He says he just follows her home to make sure she gets there safe but later we will learn that he was also breaking into her house and watching her sleep. 

For her part, Caroline finds all of this incredibly romantic. The 90s were a goddamned mess. If you don't believe that women have spent most of their lives being gaslighted into thinking insane things are actually romantic, you haven't seen this nutzo movie that posits a stranger breaking into a woman's home to watch her sleep for weeks or months on end, as romantic devotion worthy of them spending the rest of their lives together. 

The scene were we find out that Adam has been following Grace comes when he breaks into her house and puts up a Christmas tree in her room, fully decorated. He did this while she and her entire family were sleeping. Her reaction to this is somehow not complete horror. Instead, she responds by saying thank you and 'I can't believe you remembered.' Remembered what? Christmas? Honestly, I wonder if they had Marisa Tomei's character act dumber just so she might seem like she would buy into Slater's Adam as a legit romantic partner. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media. 

Movie Review Magic Mike's Last Dance

Magic Mike's Last Dance (2023) 

Directed by Steven Soderbergh 

Written by Reid Carolin 

Starring Channing Tatum, Salma Hayek

Release Date February 10th, 2023 

Published February 14th, 2023 

Can I recommend a movie solely on the strength of the sexual chemistry between the two leads? It seems like a thin premise for recommending a movie. But, Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek are so incredible together, so insanely sexy together, I kind of want to recommend Magic Mike's Last Dance. Even as the plot seems like nonsense and the story feels cobbled together on the fly, the smoldering sexual chemistry of Channing Tatum and Salma Hayek is so fiery, it's kind of worth suffering the nonsense for. 

Magic Mike's Last Dance returns Channing Tatum, and his washboard abs, to the role of Mike Lane, stripper turned furniture maker, turned bartender as we join this story. Mike's dream of making handmade furniture failed amid the pandemic and he has sustained himself as a bartender for hire at parties ever since. That's how Mike meets Maxandra (Salma Hayek). She's a bored, rich, soon to be divorced cougar who has hired Mike on the recommendation of one of her employees. 

According to said employee, Mike can give Maxandra the kind of experience she's been craving, the kind of male attention she's desired since deciding to leave her husband. Indeed, Mike reluctantly agrees to her terms and provides such an experience. Showing off his insanely sexual lap dance skills, Mike sweeps Maxandra up in a lusty tornado of writhing flesh and she's hooked immediately. Though Mike doesn't want to be a kept man, he can't resist when Maxandra asks him to follow her to London, her primary home. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media 

Movie Review Batman Begins (2012)

Batman Begins (2005) 

Directed by Christopher Nolan 

Written by Christopher Nolan 

Starring Christian Bale, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes 

Release Date 

Published 2012 

Henri Ducard: Are you ready to begin?

Bruce Wayne: I-I can barely stand...

Henri Ducard: [kicks him] Death does not wait for you to be ready! Death is not considerate, or fair! And make no mistake: here, you face Death.

And that is how Bruce Wayne began his journey some seven years ago in writer-director Christopher Nolan’s first Bat-masterpiece, “Batman Begins.” It’s appropriate that Bruce Wayne, the man who would be Batman, would be trained as a ninja; the nerd culture that deified the caped crusader are of the same ilk who’ve turned the Asian legend of the ninja warrior into an outsized caricature.

It’s that knowing of what the audience wanted combined with his own particular, peculiar interests that have made Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy both crowd-pleasing and deeply personal. We will see in “The Dark Knight Rises,” Nolan’s Batman thesis statement, just how well the director combines his ability to dazzle the masses with his deep seeded philosophical aims.

“Batman Begins” is certainly a remarkable opening statement. In retrospect it’s much easier to see in the film how Nolan wanted to use this iconic character not merely to entertain but to critique and enlighten. From the opening moments when Bruce Wayne loses his parents to crime informed by poverty to the attempt by Ra’s Al Ghul to raze Gotham City by rotting it from within the philosophical aims of Nolan and his co-writer and brother Jonathan Nolan are vague but emerging.

We will get to the philosophy in a moment; let’s dig in to the surface story first. Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) lost his parents to a horrendous murder in a back alley. With years of guilt and anger boiling within Bruce Wayne returns to Gotham City from a failed stint in college with the intention of purging himself by killing his parents killer. When the man is murdered by a Mob Boss, Carmine Falcone (Tom Wilkinson), Bruce needs a new path and winds up somewhere in Asia.

In Asia Bruce meets and becomes a student of a man calling himself Henri Ducard (Liam Neeson). He’s allegedly a minion of a man known as Ra’s Al Ghul but we will come to know that Ducard is Ra’s and he has plans for his new pupil that involve the destruction of Gotham City. Ra’s Al Ghul is the head of a secret society that has for years restored the balance of the world by laying waste to areas of the world that have grown decadent and out of control and Gotham City is set to join Rome, Sodom & Gomorrah and others on the ash heap of history.

When Bruce leans of Ra’s Al Ghul’s plans the compassion instilled in him by his late father compels him to hope for Gotham City and soon defend it. Bruce’s decision sets the stage for what will be a clash of will and philosophy that will carry audiences through “The Dark Knight Rises;” Ra’s Al Ghul’s cynical belief in the cleansing fire and Batman’s scarred optimism that good can somehow triumph over even the worst evil.

Is it really as simple as a glass half empty versus a glass half full? Of course not, though Ra’s Al Ghul’s nefarious plot to poison and weaponize Gotham’s water supply has a certain ironic quality in my thesis. The deeper meaning of “Batman Begins” and what carried forward through “The Dark Knight” and comes to fruition, allegedly, in “The Dark Knight Rises” is a belief in hope against great odds; the belief that a once great city or country can be great again but only after a great struggle.

Surely, Christopher Nolan’s vision of America in Gotham City is one on the road to complete ruin. It’s a vision that is littered with the bodies of the brave and beleaguered, the good and the evil, but is still a vision of hope. Is not America’s past stained with the same blood? Are we not hopeful that from the horrors of the past greatness can be recovered?

Hope, dear reader, is at the heart of Batman and “Batman Begins” is a far more hopeful movie than many are willing to give it credit for. Just check that hopeful happy ending as Bruce Wayne and his best friend Alfred ponder a future where the ruins of Wayne Manor are restored to an even greater and more effective glory.

Not having seen “The Dark Knight Rises” my theory of hope among the darkness of the Batman series may be completely disproved but I don’t think so. Christopher Nolan may have dark visions of a rotting society but he’s far too savvy to give into the cynicism that is the true enemy of his vision. Batman/Bruce Wayne himself may not be so lucky, but Gotham City will survive and a new hope will be born from the ruins with Batman, man or legend, as its symbol of hope.

Movie Review Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania

Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania 

Directed by Peyton Reed

Written by Jeff Loveness

Starring Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michelle Pfeiffer, Michael Douglas, Jonathan Majors 

Release Date February 17th, 2023 

Published February 15th, 2023 

In the Quantum Realm Janet Van Dyne (Michelle Pfeiffer) believed she would live out her days alone and lost. Then, a spaceship crashed in front of her. Inside was a man with no name, though she would eventually know him as Kang (Jonathan Majors). For a time, Janet and this nameless man worked together to try and escape from the Quantum Realm. That partnership ended when Janet found out who Kang really was, an entity, a being, a God, known as Kang The Conqueror. 

Kang once held a mastery over time. His God-like powers allowed him to travel the multiverse where he destroyed entire branch universes in order to consolidate his own power. Trapped in the Quantum Realm after Janet betrayed him, Kang built an empire and kept searching for a means to escape. That chance to escape comes after Janet has managed to escape, with the help of Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), aka Ant-Man. It takes a little time but when Cassie Lang built a machine that could map the Quantum Realm, it opened a portal that sucked in Cassie, her dad Scott, Janet, her husband, Hank Pym (Michael Douglas), and Janet's daughter, Hope Van Dyne (Evangeline Lilly), aka The Wasp. 

Now trapped in the Quantum Realm and separated from each other, the family must find a way to reunite. All while being pursued by Kang who hopes to steal whatever means allowed Janet to escape from the Quantum Realm. That means being, Pym Particles, the creation that allows Ant-Man and The Wasp to shrink or grow in size and take advantage of the strength of ants. Kang believes that this technology could be used to restore the MacGuffin that gave power to the ship that stranded him in the Quantum Realm and allow him to travel to and conquer universes as he had done before he was exiled. 

And that's the plot of Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania. Can Scott Lang overcome the God-Like powers of Kang the Conqueror and keep him from destroying countless universes. It's a solid and relatively simple plot but one that lacks much in terms of depth. Scott Lang's character arc isn't much. He wishes he could go back to before The Snap and be with Cassie as she grows up. Kang, with his ability to manipulate time, might be able to give him that wish. However, though the trailer seems to indicate that Scott would be open to working with Kang, that doesn't happen in the movie. 

At no point is Scott not the Ant-Man we've always known, a slightly gawky devoted dad and practical screw-up. The movie doesn't change him much nor, does it appear that his experiences saving the world alongside the Avengers seem to have changed him much. He's perhaps become overly cautious when it comes to Cassie, urging her not to take risks or do anything that might risk her safety, even if said thing is the right thing to do. That's not really much of an arc but that's about all that we get in Ant-Man and the Wasp Quantumania. 

In terms of arcs, none of these characters seem to have much growth or change. Janet Van Dyne does open up to her family for the first time since she has been back in her own universe but that's only because of the dangerous circumstances at play and not due to any emotional growth on her part. As for Hank and Hope, they're mostly sidelined here. Hope especially, seems to have less dialogue and screen time than in the previous Ant-Man movies. Michael Douglas has a few moments where he looks cool but he's mostly superfluous to the plot. 

Find my full length review at Geeks.Media