Movie Review Bullet to the Head

Bullet to the Head (2013) 

Directed by Walter Hill

Written by Alessandro Camon

Starring Sylvester Stallone, Sung Kang, Sarah Shahi, Jason Momoa 

Release Date February 13th, 2013

Published April 1st, 2013 

If you need a good example of Hollywood misogyny look no further than to any reference to plastic surgery. Women in Hollywood are subjected to endless derision for their decision to prolong their youth through science while men like Billy Crystal and Sylvester Stallone are somehow immune. Both Crystal and Stallone make Melanie Griffith and Cher look shy and retiring by comparison and yet they are rarely the subjects of public mockery and certainly not to the extent of their female counterparts.

I bring up this topic because Mr. Stallone has returned to the big screen in the forgettable action movie "Bullet to the Head." The film finds Stallone almost unrecognizable from his days as Rocky and Rambo. Our former blue collar action hero has had more work done and ingested more chemicals to combat aging than any aging diva and yet he's allowed to keep his dignity.

Jimmy Bobo

"Bullet to the Head" casts Stallone as Jimmy Bobo, a low-level thug who specializes in killing with no questions asked. Jimmy will have more than a few questions of his own to ask however, after his partner is murdered following what seemed like a routine job knocking off a coked up ex-cop. Jimmy himself was targeted for death by the same man who killed his partner, played by Jason Momoa, but managed to survive. That, dear friend, is the setting for a revenge thriller.

Joining Jimmy as his new odd couple sidekick is Washington D.C detective, Taylor Kwan (Sung Kang). The cop Jimmy killed is Kwan's ex-partner but for reasons the film is intentionally vague about, he's not interested in getting Jimmy but rather the people who hired Jimmy. Together Jimmy and Detective Kwan begin cutting a bloody swath through the New Orleans underworld on their way back to Momoa's big bad, a thug who has no interest in money, only in killing.

The Flower of Promise?

That last paragraph intimates some promise in this story. It's a kind of twist that you have a central villain who isn't a mustache twirling schemer but rather a character that seems like a murderous lackey and turns out to be the most formidable character in the film. That promise sadly never flowers because Momoa is too much of a blank slate. The character lacks panache and beyond his odd choice of weapon, an ax, he lacks any real characterization and has zero depth.

Director Walter Hill, a veteran of both memorable ("The Warriors") and forgettable action movies, does manage to make "Bullet to the Head" presentable, even a tad watchable. Unfortunately, he's saddled with Stallone and his vain attempt to maintain his shred of star power. Stallone's vanity dominates "Bullet to the Head" and condemns the film to desperation. A scene set in a New Orleans bathhouse is merely an opportunity for the vainglorious star to remove his shirt and pretend he's Taylor Lautner. Meanwhile we in the audience can only marvel at the wonders of science both legal and questionable.

What movie did I see?

I will give Stallone credit for not demanding a nubile love interest to further his desperate quest for youth. Young Sarah Shahi, the only female character in the film, is instead Stallone's daughter in the film, conceived assumedly when Jimmy was in his mid-forties hooker loving phase. Given the amount of substances that Stallone is on to maintain his physique, it's fair to guess that he's beyond Viagra and thus the need for a love interest. As for Ms. Shahi, she's little more than a pretty face and serves the purpose of a damsel in distress before being given as a prize to Kang's sidekick detective.

I don't hate "Bullet to the Head;" that would require more effort than the film is worth. Rather, I find it impossible to maintain much of a memory of the film. I remember enough to give you a cursory description of the plot and I have made great effort to remember the actors involved but beyond that, the film is so forgettable that the title will be lost to me in the mere seconds after I finish this review. Nothing of.. of… "Bullet to the Head" (sorry began to forget it already) has earned space in my mind, a place where Derek Jeter's rookie year batting average and the names of WWE Divas still reside.

The Aging Star

The only thing remotely memorable about "Bullet to the Head" is Sly Stallone's vanity. Where once he was Rocky, among the least vain characters in film history, he is now a caricature. Stallone is the Frankenstein's monster of modern science; a sad testament of an image obsessed culture. Stallone is now more machine than man; more dangerous science experiment than human being.

While the movie will never be remembered, still photographs from "Bullet to the Head" will likely be exhibits in Stallone's autopsy. When science finally does fail to convert Stallone into a jet fuel based life-form doctors will examine stills from this film to see where the science experiment went wrong; to see where the surgically implanted seams began to fail. It's sick and it's quite a twisted thought, but it is the only thing I will take away from "Bullet to the Head."