Movie Review: Feel the Noise

Feel the Noise (2007)

Directed by Alejandro Chomski 

Written by Albert Leon 

Starring Omarion, Malik Yoba, Victor Rasuk, Jennifer Lopez, Zulay Henao 

Release Date October 5th, 2007

Published October 5th 2007 

There is a reason some films aren't screened for critics and the most prominent reason is, the filmmakers know the film stinks. That must have been the case for the new rap drama Feel The Noise which was held from critics despite the quality assuring imprimatur of producer Jennifer Lopez. The career freefall of the once hot Ms. Lopez already consumed the Hector Lavoe biography El Cantante earlier this year.

Now Lopez throws some cold water on the burgeoning career of rapper/dancer Omarion. Casting the You Got Served star as an aspiring Puerto Rican hip hop star, Omarion is just one of the many failures of the terrifically awful Feel The Noise.

Rob (Omarion) can't stay out of trouble. When he tries to steal the hubcaps of a well known gang member, his mother sends him to Puerto Rico to live with his estranged father (Giancarlo Esposito). Grumpy about having to leave the bright lights of New York City, Rob makes things miserable in Puerto Rico until he meets his half brother Javi (Victor Rasuk) who introduces him to Puerto Rico's version of hip hop called Raggaeton.

Soon Rob and Javi are recording their own Puerto Rican hip hop tracks and are getting discovered by a shady New York producer who likes their music but really has his eyes on Rob's new girlfriend C.C (Zulay Henao). The producer takes all three back to New York where stardom awaits. Or not, who knows.

The title Feel The Noise has absolutely nothing to do with the story being told in Feel The Noise. There is a night club in Puerto Rico called The Noise, but other than that, I can't figure where this title came from. If only this nonsense title were this films biggest problem. Unfortunately, Feel The Noise features supremely dull characters, cinematography that looks as if it were captured on a cellphone and one of the worst scripts this side of Mariah Carey's Glitter.

I mention Glitter because Feel The Noise mimics that films rags to riches in the music biz story but without the so bad it's kind of entertaining vibe. Feel The Noise is just bad, bad, bad.

The script for Feel The Noise, written by Albert Leon, is singularly brutal. How's this for a rousing, compelling exhange:

C.C: Come have a cigarette with me

Rob: OK

CC: I don't actually smoke

Rob: Me neither

Woody Allen eat your heart out. With ear popping dialogue like that it's no wonder Feel The Noise is so darn compelling. The dialogue is aided by a performance by Omarion that could not be more bored distracted. Though he wasn't half bad in the dance drama You Got Served, Omarion is not much of an actor. Saddled with a script as god awful as Feel The Noise, Omarion's many faults are highlighted and exposed.  

Worse yet is the music of Omarion in Feel The Noise. His attempts at typical hip hop in the first act and Raggaeton in the second and third act are all just awful. The star of the movie is shown up badly by Raggaeton pro's like Julio Voltio Ramos who captures what I'm sure everyone involved with Feel The Noise wanted to capture with Omarion's character, the rich, vibrant, hip shaking sound of Raggaeton which matches the lyricism and  flow of hip hop with the rhythm and speed of latin music.

It's likely that for the money it took to make Feel The Noise there could have been a documentary on Voltio Ramos. His Raggaeton raps are, all too briefly, the only entertaining moments in the otherwise drab and dull melodramatic morass that is Feel The Noise.

Movie Review Hustlers

Hustlers (2019) 

Directed by Lorene Scafaria 

Written by Lorene Scafaria 

Starring Jennifer Lopez, Constance Wu, Julia Stiles, Keke Palmer, Lizzo, Cardi B 

Release Date September 13th, 2019

Published September 12th, 2019 

On the one hand, the strippers of the new movie Hustlers are criminals, unquestionably, they are criminals. However, it’s fair to also state that they are not the villains of this movie either. Hustlers operate in a most amazing gray area where we are able to sympathize with criminals and lustily boo the victims who are stand-ins for the real criminals who tanked the American economy in 2007 amid the housing crisis. 

Hustlers capitalizes on some of the tastiest schadenfreude you can imagine by positing a story wherein: too rich for their own good Wall Street criminals get taken for thousands of dollars of the money they stole from others by those who would otherwise be on the other end of the economic spectrum, a diverse collection of women and specifically single mothers in J-Lo and Constance Wu’s characters. 

It’s hard not to take pleasure in watching these skeevy, criminal pigs get taken by the very people they intend to victimize with their ill-gotten gains. It’s not justice that would be found in creating a just and fair economic system free from the kind of thumb on the scale manipulation that these men have championed, but it’s a tasty bit of minor karmic retribution that feels good, like a cookie for the soul. 

Constance Wu stars in Hustlers as Dorothy or, on stage, Destinee. Dorothy is struggling to get by as one of the new girls at a high roller strip club in New York City. Her commute is barely worth the pittance in tips she walks away with after management and the rest of the support staff take their cut. Then, Dorothy meets the club’s Queen Bee, Ramona Vega (Jennifer Lopez). Ramona has the place wired to the point where she merely has to point her prominent backside in any direction and the room rains with money. 

Dorothy dreams of being like Ramona and after introducing herself, the two become inseparable. Ramona takes Dorothy under her wing, they perform together, and they begin making incredible amounts of money together. Dorothy and Ramona start living an extravagant life off of the money tossed at their feet by Wall Street jerks for whom such money is meaningless compared to the horrific lies they tell to earn it. 

Then, the housing crisis hit in 2008 and the gravy train came to a screeching halt. The club, once wall to wall with Wall Street money, is now nearly empty. Dorothy leaves to have a baby and get married, only to find her baby daddy is nearly as worthless as the Wall Street bros she once danced for and both she and Ramona are on the streets trying to find jobs in a real world that doesn’t exactly fit their very specific skill set. 

Then, Ramona hits on a plan: what if there were a way to get what’s left of the high rollers back to the club? Her idea? High end, designer drugs that ease the inhibitions and open the high rollers to suggestions such as allowing a stripper to run your credit card unmonitored. Using her vast connections, Ramona, with Dorothy in tow, recruits two other struggling dancers, played by Lily Reinhart and Keke Palmer, to drug rich men, carry them to the club, take their credit cards to the limit and send them home with the bill. 

That’s the premise of Hustlers but the payoff you will have to see for yourself. It’s not the destination that really matters in Hustlers, it’s the execution and the execution of Hustlers is top notch. Writer-director Lorene Scafaria has just the right touch for this material, lightly comic at times, self-serious when necessary, with just the right mix of dark comedy, sex and drama. It’s not a perfect movie, but it gets a strong point across. 

Jennifer Lopez has not been this great in a movie in years. Playing the heavy support to Constance Wu’s more meaty lead role, Lopez’s megawatt star power hasn’t been this notable since her pre-Gigli, pre-Jersey Girl, Jenny from the Block days. It’s refreshing to see Lopez so confident and relaxed on screen after suffering through years of her downplaying her remarkable beauty and presence in forgettable romantic comedies. 

Constance Wu, if she can get out from under her own ego,- note her tantrum over her TV show not being canceled and ugly demands on her place on the Hustlers promotional material- will be a big star one day. She has dramatic chops that can turn quickly and wittily comic. She’s a natural screen presence and quite a beauty when she gets out from under a bad wig. She’s overshadowed plenty by Lopez but few actresses would not be. That said, she doesn’t get lost in the glare of Lopez’s star power and proves herself as the dramatic lynchpin of this incredible and well told story. 

Hustlers is better than I expected from a movie that, in the wrong hands, could have been merely titillating. Instead, Hustlers is weighty, satirical, dramatic and quite funny, often within the range of a single scene. Don’t believe me? See Hustlers and watch the Usher Raymond cameo and you will get what I am saying about the remarkable range of this diverse and exciting movie. Hustlers is the great surprise at the movies in 2019.

Movie Review Jersey Girl

Jersey Girl (2004) 

Directed by Kevin Smith

Written by Kevin Smith

Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez, Will Smith, George Carlin, Liv Tyler, Raquel Castro 

Release Date March 26th, 2004 

Published March 25th, 2004 

Screw Gigli

In my review of Gigli, I must admit a good deal of my venom can be attributed to the effect that dog was going to have on Kevin Smith's Jersey Girl. With moron entertainment writers attempting to consume Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, any chance Jersey Girl had at reaching the wide audience it so richly deserved was lost. The only comfort is that great movies are never appreciated in their time. Jersey Girl, Kevin Smith's most mature and blatantly romantic film, will play endlessly on TV where casual movie watchers will have the chance to discover this egregiously overlooked, wonderfully heartfelt film.

Ben Affleck stars as Oliver Trinke, a big time P.R guy. Ollie has bigtime clients for whom he crafts terrific lies, manipulations and exultations. On the bright side Ollie is honest, even lovable in his private life where he has big love with Gert (Jennifer Lopez). When Ollie takes Gert home to Highlands New Jersey to meet his father Bart (George Carlin) she passes the final test and he asks her to marry him. It's not long before she is pregnant and the couple’s happiness seems unending.

However this is only 15 minutes into the movie, obviously something big has to happen. While giving birth to her daughter Gert has an aneurysm and dies. Ollie is devastated. Gert's death affects every aspect of his life. He neglects his baby, named Gertie for her mother, he alienates his father by dropping the baby on him while he goes back to work. And finally in one devastating moment of truth, Ollie blows up at work and is out of a job.

Seven years later Ollie is living back in Jersey with his dad and instead of power lunches manipulating magazine editors, Ollie drives a street sweeper. He does have a much better perspective on his daughter Gertie (Raquel Castro) whom he is absolutely devoted to. Not just her though, the memory of his wife has held him back from any other woman for the past seven years. That changes when he meets Maya (Liv Tyler) , a video store clerk with a quirky straightforward manner that is disquieting and endearing at the same time.

The film’s main conflict arises from Ollie's desperate need to go back to the way things were before his wife died and his new reality in New Jersey. This is Kevin Smith's most mature and smart writing in his relatively short career. Taken from his own experience as a first time father (his daughter Harley has a blink and you'll miss it cameo), Smith writes from a knowing and observant perspective that feels as real as anything he wrote in the equally observant Chasing Amy.

Smith clearly loves this material and that feeling flows through every aspect of Jersey Girl from the actors who share his passion to the look of the film which is the most professional and tightly controlled of his career. I must admit however there is a part of me that longs for the grainy, misshapen, happenstance look that made Clerks and Chasing Amy feel so real life. This film is clearly the Hollywood dream factory of perfect architecture, makeup, lighting with far less of the lived-in feel of Smith's earlier films.

What is it with this hatred of Ben Affleck? No actor has had to suffer the kind of blatant jealous bile, other than maybe Tom Cruise. For me, Affleck can damn near do no wrong, I mean, I loved Daredevil! In Jersey Girl, much as Kevin Smith's direction feels more professional and mature, so does Affleck's performance which ranks right behind Chasing Amy as his best work. Watch his breakdown in the hospital and the speech to his baby daughter immediately after and I beg you to tell me how you cannot love this guy.

The supporting cast is also terrific, especially George Carlin as Bart. This is a performance that would garner some very good buzz if Gigli had not rendered this film dead on arrival. Liv Tyler sparks perfectly with Affleck as the free spirit with a big heart and a mouth with no filter. Unlike the game playing of most romantic comedy protagonists, Tyler's character says what she thinks and acts on it, a characteristic that helps make Jersey Girl so different from most mainstream films of its genre.

Young Raquel Castro is the real star of Jersey Girl. Once you get over the initial shock of how much she looks like Jennifer Lopez and you start watching her performance you forget she's acting. Those cute kid moments are there, but watch for a scene late in the movie after she and Ben have had a huge fight. The scene is one of forgiveness and great tenderness and she plays it so well.

Maybe I'm the wrong guy to review this movie. I am horribly biased in favor of Smith and Affleck and I have a connection to the film’s plot on an emotional level that affects my objectivity. When I had what I believed was my one true love, she died. Unlike Ollie in the movie, I was left with nothing to remember of her except the pain of the loss. Anyone who says that Affleck overplays the pain of that hospital scene doesn't know what he or she is talking about, they obviously have never lost someone they care about.

Sorry to get maudlin and personal but I always try to write from a very personal reference point and so a film like this has an inside track with me. All of that aside, I honestly loved this movie. Jersey Girl is funny, smart and sweet. Kevin Smith's writing has always been strong and here his direction is beginning to catch up with his writing. It's a shame he has passed on directing The Green Hornet but if it means another Clerks or another more romantic and personal film like Jersey Girl then maybe he and we are better off, though I think Green Hornet would kick ass.

Finally can we please lay off the Affleck bashing? If you don't like Affleck fine but I challenge you to listen to the commentary tracks on the Mallrats, Chasing Amy and Jersey Girl DVDs and come away still hating the guy. Face it Affleck is da bomb!

Movie Review The Back Up Plan

The Back Up Plan (2010) 

Directed by Alan Poul 

Written by Kate Angelo

Starring Jennifer Lopez, Alex O'Laughlin, Eric Christian Olsen, Anthony Anderson 

Release Date April 23rd, 2010

Published April 22nd, 2010 

It was the great Roger Ebert in his review of Rob Reiner's “North” who said "I hated, hated, hated. hated, hated, hated, hated this movie." I always thought I understood Roger's pain with the offal I have sifted through at the movie theater but until I saw the insipid, insulting and just plain awful “The Back Up Plan” starring Jennifer Lopez I did not truly understand how a bad movie can get under your skin.

The story of “The Back Up Plan,” such as it is from such a mindless screenplay, follows a woman named Zoe (Jennifer Lopez) who is one of those only in the movies cretins who despite beauty and inexplicable wealth cannot manage a personal life well enough to relate to another human being. Thus why, in her late 30's, she is undergoing artificial insemination.

To give you an idea of the intellect we are dealing with; as Zoe leaves the doctor's office after her insemination she keeps her knees together as she walks. Outside in the rain Zoe dances for a moment and then hails a cab. Once inside she is joined by Stan (Alex O'Loughlin) and each accuses the other of stealing their cab. This meet cute lasts as they both exit the cab, get on the subway and walk down the street sharing dialogue so inane as to render one unconscious.

They part as frenemies but soon are bumping into each other again and again before they realize they are meant to be. But, uh-oh, Zoe's pregnant. Will Stan want to be with a pregnant woman? Or will he run for the hills? Can Zoe overcome a tacked-on subplot about abandonment issues to let Stan really be with her? If you care I must ask that you exit this review right now.

My plot description does not do justice to the mess that “The Back Up Plan” truly is. Plot after plot, character after character, is shuffled into this ludicrous story only to be discarded without so much as a courtesy flush. Eric Christian Olson for one gets short-shrift as Zoe's employee; she owns a pet store that pays a living wage, yeah. Olson's Clive declines an offer to father Zoe's baby and then fades into the background occasionally playing a jealousy subplot that makes zero sense at all.

Tom Bosley and Linda Lavin are stuck with the idiot roles of old people who say and do things that you don't expect old people to do or say. Are you laughing? They're old but they talk like they're not old, get it? Ugh. Anthony Anderson an actor who stars on a hit TV series and has headlined movies of his own is here credited as Playground dad.

Anderson plays a character so spectacularly underwritten that they couldn't bother to name him. Playground Dad offers sage council to Stan when they happen upon each other at a Playground and Stan is accused of being a child predator. Funny right? Don't even bother mentioning the movie stereotype of the wise African American guru, expert on all things, who also fills in to allow a movie to fake multiculturalism.

Stereotypes are the hiding places of scoundrel screenwriters who lack the wit to write real characters, hence Zoe's single mom support group which over flows with stereotypes of Butch Lesbians who thankfully are not billed as Butch Lesbian Single Mom 1, 2 or 3.

Alex O'Loughlin is a nice looking but spectacularly forgettable actor who has starred on more failed CBS drama series than most actors see in a lifetime. Hollywood is determined to convince audiences they like Alex O'Loughlin and The Backup Plan is merely the latest, and unlikely, last attempt to make him a star. It's difficult to gauge O'Laughlin's actual talent. Judging him based on the moronic character he is given in The Back Up Plan seems terribly unfair.

Jennifer Lopez is a very beautiful woman. She has an unbelievable smile, great pipes and a body that just doesn't quit even after she gave birth to twins in real life two years ago. What a shame that she has zero taste in film scripts. Her career since her star-making performance in Steven Soderbergh’s “Out of Sight” has been a series of one blindingly awful movie after another. “The Back Up Plan” is arguably the worst of a lot that includes dregs like “Maid in Manhattan,” “The Wedding Planner” and “Monster In Law.”

Searching for something positive to say about “The Back Up Plan” I can think of only one thing: It can't likely get any worse than this. I am convinced that I have seen the worst Hollywood has to offer in 2010 and while I may be forced to eat those words- Hollywood's ability to scrape the bottom of the barrel and then lift the barrel is legendary- but that is how strongly I feel about how brutally, violently awful The “Back Up Plan” truly is.

Movie Review: Darkness Falls

Darkness Falls (2003) 

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

Written by Joe Harris, James Vanderbilt, John Fasano

Starring Cheney Kley, Emma Caulfield, Sullivan Stapleton, Emily Browning

Release Date January 24th, 2003 

Published January 23rd 2003 

Horror films are allowed to set there own rules. Oftentimes a horror film will make up those rules as they go. However once those rules are in place violating those rules becomes one of the most disappointing aspects of that film. The latest addition to the horror genre, Darkenss Falls, sets it's own rules in the first five minutes of the film. It then sets about breaking those rules over and over again making for a maddening film-going experience.

The film begins with a prologue about an old woman named Matilda Dixon who lived in the seaside town of Darkness Falls, Maine. Matilda is beloved by the town's children because when they lost their teeth they could take them to Matilda and exchange then for a gold coin. After a fire severely burned Matilda's face she was unable to leave her home during daylight hours and when she did leave she wore a frightening porcelain mask. When two of the town's children go missing one night, Matilda is blamed and hanged but not before placing a curse on the town. The two kids were found the next day having ran away on their own.

We jump forward in time to a 12-year-old boy who has just lost his last baby tooth. The boy's name is Kyle Walsh. One night Kyle makes the mistake of looking into the eyes of the legend known as the Tooth Fairy. Now, one of the rules established early in the film is that if you looked in the eyes of Matilda's ghost she would hunt you until she killed you. Kyle's only savior is the a flashlight at his bedside. The tooth fairy is sensitive to light and when exposed is badly injured. Kyle's mother, not believing the legend, goes to his room to show Kyle there is nothing to be afraid of , and the tooth fairy slits her throat. Kyle is blamed for the murder and spends the next 12 years in a mental institute.

Cut to the present, Kyle is out of the institute but still afraid of the dark. Now living in Vegas, Kyle is on every medication known to man to deal with what he witnessed. Back in Darkness Falls, a young boy is experiencing the same behavior as Kyle. The young boy is Michael Greene and he is the brother of Kaitlin, who happens to have been Kyle's girlfriend, before his supposed psychotic episode. Kaitlin tracks down Kyle and asks for his help in treating Michael which brings Kyle back to Darkness Falls to face his fear.

Darkness Falls is a slowly paced, light-and-shadow thriller that has a few very effective moments. One that stands out is the opening ten minutes with a very well shot sequence of Kyle's mother being killed. However, after that the film comes apart, setting it's rules and then setting about breaking them, creating many a logical flaw that takes away from the film and really irks any intelligent filmgoer who is paying attention.

First, does the Tooth Fairy only kill you if you live in Darkness Falls or can you just leave and she stays there? If the Tooth Fairy can't go into the light then how is she with moonlight? If the Tooth Fairy is after Kyle, why does she kill a random drunk who was fighting with Kyle instead of going after Kyle?

Not that logic has it's place in most horror films but when rules are established in a horror film, violating those rules can be a film's biggest crime.

The film's premise is a hodgepodge of horror cliches lifted from such varied sources as Nightmare On Elm Street to the recently released They. The films biggest influence, the one it truly aspires to meet but fails to, is the moody atmospherics of a Stephen King novel. But what King is able to do with words, Darkness Falls is unable to do with images.

First time actor Chaney Kley plays Kyle and makes it look like Clonaid succeeded in cloning Mark Wahlberg. Though it's kind of like Michael Keaton in Multiplicity, Kley only got some of Wahlberg's talent and not the best of it. Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Emma Caulfield is a sexy, smart choice for a lead actress but saddled with a frightened victim role. In service of Kley she isn't given much to work with.

First-time director Jonathan Liebesman gives a good account of himself technically with an occasional scary setup but unfortunately his special effects and story are subpar. The Tooth Fairy character as created by Stan Winston's effects company is a dull recreation of horror characters past and the more screentime the monster logs, the more unscary it becomes. In interviews, the director said that the monster wasn't onscreen until the closing act but that the studio was so impressed they rolled out some cash for reshoots that bumped the films release date from mid-September to January and made the monster more prominent, which exposed it's flaws.

Whether the film was the victim of studio overkill or an inexperienced director, Darkness Falls is yet another unsuccessful horror film that strives for scares but can illicit only indifference.

Movie Review National Security

National Security (2003) 

Directed by Dennis Dugan 

Written by Jay Scherick

Starring Martin Lawrence, Steve Zahn, Colm Feore, Bill Duke, Eric Roberts, Timothy Busfield

Release Date January 17th, 2002

Published January 16th, 2002 

Oh boy. Another mismatched buddy cop movie!

National Security, starring Martin Lawrence and Steve Zahn is yet another formula action-comedy, but, for once, the comedy part of the action-comedy is actually funny.

Zahn is an LAPD officer named Hank. One night, he and his partner (Timothy Busfield in an effective cameo) happen upon a break in at a storage facility and, in their attempt to capture the criminals, Hank's partner is shot and killed. Martin Lawrence is Earl, an LAPD trainee who flunks out of the academy for being a little too aggressive. Hank and Earl meet for the first time as Hank comes upon Earl trying to retrieve his keys from his locked car. 

Thinking that Earl may be trying to steal the car, Hank asks for identification and proof of ownership of the car. Earl sees Hank's questions as racist and refuses, leading to a confrontation that is a parody of the Rodney King incident. A guy with a video recorder catches Hank trying to swat a bee that is flying around Earl's head. From the cameraman's perspective, it does look like Hank is beating Earl and, when the incident goes to trial, Earl does nothing to change that perception. Hank is convicted of assault, fired from his job, and is sentenced to six months in jail.

Once released from jail, Hank takes a job working as a security guard while searching for the group of bad guys who killed his partner. As fate would have it, Hank's search leads him to a warehouse where Earl works as a security guard and the two team up in a gunfight against the bad guys. The bad guys, lead by--of all people--Eric Roberts, get away and Earl and Hank are now forced to team up and take them down. Unsurprisingly, they become friends in the process.

Director Dennis Dugan, a master of formula trash (Happy Gilmore, Saving Silverman), is the perfect choice to direct this collection of action clichés and one liners. All you need is a director who can make a certain scene reasonably in frame and you're done.

What makes National Security a little better than most films of its formula is its humor, which deals frankly with race and violence and is funny. Lawrence is particularly sharp with the racial humor and Zahn is a surprisingly good foil. If it weren't for Zahn's ridiculously distracting facial hair I would have loved his performance, but I missed some of it watching his mustache come loose or fall off.

National Security has the feel of Lawrence's other slickly produced action comedies--Blue Streak and Bad Boys--except not as stylish. National Security is technically well produced but is all surface and no depth. In case you were wondering the answer is yes, there is a scene where the heroes outrun a giant fireball. You can't make a formula action movie without a slow motion fireball.

Movie Review Kangaroo Jack

Kangaroo Jack (2002) 

Directed by David McNally

Written by Steve Bing, Scott Rosenberg

Starring Jerry O'Connell, Anthony Anderson, Estella Warren, Michael Shannon, Christopher Walken 

Release Date January 17th, 2002 

Published January 19th, 2002 

Jerry Bruckheimer's attack on the American moviegoing public continues with the release of the talking kangaroo movie Kangaroo Jack. The number one movie in America on its opening weekend, Jack is yet another black eye from a Hollywood community that just doesn't care anymore. They have figured it out, we will go see anything and then see it again. There will likely be a sequel to this movie proving once and for all, this country is on crack.

One of the great things about being a film critic is going to the movies for free. Great because I save money and because I can walk out on any movie at any time and not worry about arguing with the ticket guy over a refund. The movie hasn't started and I'm already eyeing the exits.

We begin with Charlie (Jerry O' Connell) in a voiceover explaining how he met his best friend Louis Booker (Anthony Anderson). Charlie was swimming and began drowning; Louis jumped in and saved him. Twenty years later Charlie is a hairdresser with his own shop that was purchased for him by his stepfather, a mobster named Sal Maggio (Christopher Walken). Louis is a street hustler (does that stereotype bother anyone? Does it matter?) who is constantly getting them in trouble. Louis's latest scam involves a truck full of Televisions that may or may not be stolen. These two characters are brain-dead morons so it's not long till the cops are onto them. They accidentally lead the cops to one of Sal's warehouses where the "family" keeps their stolen goods.

Sal is a little upset but instead of killing Charlie and Louis, he sends them on an errand in Australia. Charlie and Louis simply have to deliver a package containing 50,000 dollars to a man named Mr. Smith. Oh but if it were that simple, there wouldn't be a movie. On the way to meet Mr. Smith, Charlie runs into a kangaroo and thinks he killed it. A clowning Louis thinks it would be funny to dress up the supposedly dead animal and take pictures of it (HAHAHAHA, actually that is funny). Louis puts his jacket and sunglasses on the Kangaroo and the animal suddenly comes back to life and hops off. Not a big deal, except that Louis left the fifty grand in the jacket.

From there, Charlie and Louis mug like morons and engage in supposedly wacky hijinks with a drunk Australian airplane pilot and a sexy wildlife expert played by model Estella Warren. I would say Warren deserves better than this but she chose to be in this movie so it's her own fault.

Where do I begin with the "what's wrong with this movie" portion of my review? What's wrong is that this movie was made at all, but that is a little too general. Do you think that Jerry Bruckheimer is, in reality, some brilliant sociologist and that his films are merely an experiment to test just how far down he can push American culture before we finally fight back? Maybe he is just searching to find the bottom of the barrel, just so he knows where it is. Forgive me, I know I'm reaching but conspiracy theories are the only way I can explain Jerry Bruckheimer without just simply calling him Satan's spawn. I was just trying to be nice.

What do you think the pitch meeting for this movie was? It was probably something like:

Idiot studio exec #1 "I think the Kangaroo should talk"

Idiot studio exec #2 "That's Brilliant, call Jerry Bruckheimer".

Christopher Walken, why are you in this movie! Walken plays a stereotypical mob boss. Meanwhile, Italians are protesting the Soprano's yet not one word in protest of the goomba stereotypes of this film.

As for Anthony Anderson's character, a black street hustler simply playing the buffoon opposite the white lead character, how does Jerry Bruckheimer get away with such a blatantly stereotypical character and the makers of Barbershop get protested?

You may wonder why I ever sat through this film if I knew it was going to suck? It's simple, this is a movie review website and at the time of this review Kangaroo Jack was the number one movie in America. If this were a straight-to-video movie, we could ignore it, but with $17 million in box office receipts, someone on this site had to see and write about and no one else was as brave or crazy as I was. (Ed. Note - emphasis on crazy)

Movie Review: A Guy Thing

A Guy Thing (2002) 

Directed by Chris Koch 

Written by Greg Glienna 

Starring Jason Lee, Julia Stiles, James Brolin, Selma Blair, Shawn Hatosy 

Release Date January 17th, 2002 

Published January 16th, 2002 

Recently, I have been reading about the Auteur Theory, an idea first championed by European filmmakers in the 1960's which caught on here in the States through the writings of critic Andrew Sarris. The theory postulates that the director is the creative force in the movie-making process; that the script is nothing until the director gives it light and imagery. Essentially, a director gives life to a script. According to this theory, a true auteur/filmmaker can take a lifeless, innocuous script and pair it with awe-inspiring imagery and performance to create a masterpiece. After seeing the film A Guy Thing, it's safe to say director Chris Koch is no auteur, as he takes a lifeless and innocuous script and makes a lifeless, innocuous film.

Jason Lee stars as Paul Morse, a soon-to-be-married schlep who isn't enjoying his bachelor party. Not wanting to take part in the debauchery, Paul allows his best man (played by Shawn Hatosy) to pretend he is the groom-to-be so the strippers will give him their full attention. One of the strippers is Becky, played by Julia Stiles, and she is awful at her job. Becky is not a good dancer and really doesn't care. She takes an immediate liking to Paul, not knowing that he is the groom.

The next morning, Paul awakens to a phone call from his mother-in-law, informing him that his wife-to-be is on her way to his apartment. This would not be a problem except that Becky is in Paul's bed. This encounter leads to a series of wacky episodes involving mistaken identities, crazed ex-boyfriends and various misunderstandings that are staples of the romantic comedy genre. A Guy Thing isn't a bad film. It has moments that are honestly funny; however, it is also clichéd and too often dull. Lee, one of my favorite actors, mugs and preens and does everything he can with the limited material he is given. Stiles remains one of the most appealing actresses of her generation as she makes her way through the film on her wits and charm, barely sidestepping the script's many pitfalls.

The main problem with the film is Koch and his inability to bring life to the film. Almost any director can bring a literal translation of a script to the screen, but it takes an artist to make that lifeless script a film. Even if that script has so little originality can, with the steady hand and eye of a great director, can be entertaining. Koch, however, directs A Guy Thing with a simple point-and-shoot style that takes the scripted page and translates it directly on to the screen. If you are going to do that, you may as well film the actors simply reading the script.

Koch is not a bad director. He is technically sound. He simply needs to develop a style of his own. Koch needs to learn to trust his own instincts instead of taking a script from the producers and translating it directly to the screen with no style or substance.

Movie Review Just Married

Just Married (2003) 

Directed by Shawn Levy 

Written by Sam Harper 

Starring Ashton Kutcher, Brittany Murphy, Christian Kane, Monet Mazur, Taran Killam

Release Date January 10th, 2003 

Published January 9th, 2003

Another January, another slate of less than stellar movies from the Hollywood swill factory. Okay, Just Married isn't quite that bad, but it's not very good either.

Just Married stars Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy as a pair of twenty-somethings who fall in love and get married. He's a sports nut who works part time at a radio station doing midnight traffic reports. She is a waspy princess from Bel Air whose father (David Rasche, king of the asshole wasps) owns a pair of sports teams. Opposites attract as they say and soon after meeting they are married and off for a European honeymoon.

The film begins with the pair returning from Europe ready to kill one another. In flashback, Tom (Kutcher) explains how they met when he popped her in the face with a football on a beach. They then bonded over a game of pool and sex on their first date. Things proceed quickly as, still in flashback, we find that they moved in together after only a month of dating.

Tom then regales the mistakes each made that would come back to haunt them. First, we find that Tom accidentally killed Sarah's (Murphy) dog, then lied about it. We then learn on their wedding day that Sarah had slept with an ex-boyfriend whom she had told Tom was just a platonic friend. Of course, the ex-boyfriend is a rich guy named Peter (Christian Kane) whom Sarah's family adores.

From there, the flashback jumps ahead to the Honeymoon where things go bad from the start. After arriving in France and getting the wrong rental car, they arrive at their luxury hotel. Once there, Tom manages to nearly destroy the place with a sextoy. Well gee, it's a romantic comedy. Do you think Tom and Sarah will overcome their problems and help love prevail? I will leave the mystery.

Director Shawn Levy brings nothing new to this tired genre comedy. The only thing the film has going for it is the likability of the actors involved. Without them, Just Married would easily be one of the worst films I have seen. Brittany Murphy's huge brown eyes and bubbly energetic personality make her so amazingly likable you forgive the ridiculousness of the plot she is trapped in.

As for Kutcher, he has his moments, especially towards the end when he lets his manic comic energy overcome him. His rage at trying to get through the fence surrounding Sarah's parent's mansion is the only really funny moment of the film.

Just Married is an unoriginal wrongheaded, poorly directed cliche. A film that has been done to death and should not be made at all. If not for its appealing stars, Just Married would be interminable. With them, the film is almost tolerable. 

Movie Review The Hours

The Hours (2002) 

Directed by Stephen Daldry 

Written by David Hare 

Starring Nicole Kidman, Meryl Streep, Julianne Moore, Ed Harris, Toni Collette, Claire Danes 

Release Date December 25th, 2002 

Published December 29th, 2002 

One of the first things I wrote when I started writing for this site was a column lamenting the lack of good roles for women. At that time, the majority of lead roles for women were still in service to male characters. However, in the second half of 2002, something happened and the trend began to reverse. Strong roles for women like those featured in The Good Girl, White Oleander and Secretary showed great progress. Now, with Stephen Daldry's The Hours, we have not one great role for a woman, but three: Three sensational roles for three sensational actresses in one excellent movie.

Three women over three generations are united by one book written by one of the characters. That character was a real person, writer Virginia Woolf, played by Nicole Kidman. Her book, "Mrs Dalloway," is read by both Julianne Moore's 1950's housewife Laura Brown and Meryl Streep's modern day Clarissa Vaughn.

Laura Brown is a troubled housewife whose troubles are written on her face. Her every action seems slowed by depression. Everything, including her interaction with her young son, seems to be affected by her depression. After seeing her husband off to work, a neighbor played by Toni Collette stops by for a visit that shows Laura what life might have been or what Laura really wanted in her life. The scene illustrates Laura's connection to the book "Mrs. Dalloway" as it demonstrates the dilemma that also haunted Virginia Woolf's literary creation--choosing the safe route of marriage over the adventurous life with a lover.

In the modern story, Meryl Streep's Clarissa Vaughn is planning a party for an ex-lover played by Ed Harris. Now dying of AIDS, Harris' character entertains thoughts of suicide as he comes to realize how close to death he is. He has called Clarissa by the nickname Mrs. Dalloway for years and now, in an ironic twist that mimics the classic book, Clarissa plans a party and her poet friend is planning his death. The characters are aware of the parallels but only Harris' character accepts his fate.

The third story is that of Virginia Woolf played by Kidman. We watch as Woolf, whose mental health problems are well documented, creates her masterpiece "Mrs Dalloway." Forced by her husband to live in a quiet, suburban, England country house, Woolf longs for the lively nature of the city. Attended by doctors on a daily basis, Virginia's only sanctuary lies in her writing. The fate of Virginia Woolf, much like her troubled life, is well known. If you don't know how she died, I will leave the mystery. Her death is dramatized in The Hours in a powerful scene that bookends the film.

In an unusual way, The Hours reminded me of Adaptation, in that a writer writes another writer into his screenplay. Then, the actions of the book are played out in the film and (not literally) the actions of the book unfold onscreen.

Director Stephen Daldry, working from a script by David Hare and the book by Michael Cunningham, creates a film of great emotional and intellectual power. While "Mrs. Dalloway" has been adapted for the screen before, the film shows what a truly special work it is. The film manages to communicate just how powerful and effective the book is without literally translating it. The Hours is a brilliant, remarkable film.

Movie Review: Two Weeks Notice

Two Weeks Notice (2002) 

Directed by Marc Lawrence

Written by Marc Lawrence 

Starring Sandra Bullock, Hugh Grant, Alica Witt, Robert Klein

Release Date December 20th, 2002 

Published December 19th, 2002

Ugh! Another romantic comedy.

Though this romantic comedy is made slightly more appealing by it's stars, a pair of the genre's veteran players have provided some of its brightest moments. However, no matter how good the stars are, the genre is dying. That Hollywood thinks that all they have to do with this genre is dress it up with different stars is insulting. Two Weeks Notice is yet another formula romantic comedy, a slave to genre routine.

Sandra Bullock stars as Lucy Kelson, a legal aid lawyer with a social conscience that as we join the story has her hanging on a wrecking ball attempting to prevent it from demolishing an old building. There is a large "W" on the wrecking ball signifying the construction company's owner, George Wade, played by Hugh Grant. Wade is Grant's typically foppish ladies’ man, with a different girl everynight and no significant relationships. After George's brother and partner dress him down for yet again sleeping with company's top lawyer, George is forced to hire a lawyer with more qualifications than her ability to fill out her top.

This is when George meets Lucy as she is approaching him to oppose another of his construction jobs. George knows of Lucy from the number of run-ins she has had with his construction crews. After learning that Lucy is Harvard educated and hates him, meaning she's qualified and less likely to sleep with him, he offers her the job as the company's top lawyer. Lucy doesn't want the job, but after George promises to give her the power to kill a particular construction project in her Brooklyn neighborhood she accepts the job.

The key to making this overly familiar story work is the chemistry between the stars and snappy banter. Two Weeks Notice has a little of both but still clings to genre clichés. After Lucy quits because George is to demanding, she is asked to train her replacement June played by Alicia Witt. Of course, June has her eye on George, which leads Lucy to be jealous. George for his part does a good job of being clueless about both Lucy and June's obvious attraction to him.

For my money, star power is not nearly enough for me to recommend a movie. Do I go to a movie to see a star, certainly. There are a number of movie stars who when they are in a film I lay down my hard earned money to see them. However no matter who that Star is and how much I have enjoyed their work, no one gets a pass because of familiarity. Hugh Grant is one of those stars I pay to see but I will not give a pass to Two Weeks Notice just because I like him.

Two Weeks Notice is yet another predictable, genre slave decorated with star power to distract from the clichéd story and romance.

Movie Review Star Trek Nemesis

Star Trek Nemesis (2002) 

Directed by Stuart Baird 

Written by John Logan

Starring Patrick Stewart, Tom Hardy, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, LeVar Burton, Gates McFadden

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published December 12th, 2002 

I was a huge fan of the Star Trek: Next Generation TV Series. That is, until, the first movie was released. Generations was not a bad movie but it lacked the depth of the series. In fact, the film version seemed to brush aside the elements that made the series so interesting in favor of lame sci-fi action that dominates most films of the genre. Granted the series intelligent studied style that only resorted to action and effects when it had to probably doesn't translate well to the screen. So, if you have to change it so drastically why do it at all?

The second film in the series was a little better with it's adherence to a storyline begun on the TV series, but it too resorted to effects and action that we've seen dozens of times in sci-fi movies. Then came Insurrection, a true lowpoint as Trek made it's first dip into campy self parody. Cheesy effects, performances and action, Insurrection should have killed the series. Yet here we are again with another Next Generation movie and the continuing de-evolution of a once great series.

Nemesis reunites the familiar faces of the once great TV series including Captain Jean Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart), Commander Riker (Jonathon Frakes), Deanna Troy (Marina Sirtis), Data (Brent Spiner), Worff (Michael Dorn) and Jordy (Levar Burton). The crew of the Enterprise begins Nemesis celebrating the marriage of Commander Riker and Deanna Troy, a relationship that has evolved from the TV series. After a coup in the Romulan senate, Captain Picard and his crew are ordered to go to the Romulan neutral zone to begin possible peace talks with the new ruling regime from the Romulan neighbor planet Remus. Once in the neutral zone Picard and members of his crew beam aboard the Remus ship to speak to the leader Praetor Shinzon (Tom Hardy). It is quickly revealed that Picard was called here not for peace negotiations, but so Shinzon can reveal himself as Picard's clone.

All of this in the films first 20 minutes, the remaining screen time is dominated by dull sci-fi action and shockingly cheesy dialogue and effects. It's no surprise that Shinzon plans on blowing up the Earth and destroying the Federation, but then there are no surprises in Nemesis.

What is so shocking about Nemesis is how director Stuart Baird manages to make his talented cast look bad. The bad acting, cheesy dialogue and special effects scenes are worthy of Ed Wood. Not all the effects are that bad, in fact some of the effects are very good. However, effects that happened inside the ship (Sparks coming from engines, people pretending to fall down, forcing the poor cast to sit in their chairs and shake themselves as if they were being battered by unseen blasts) are just sad.

How is it that in the 25 some years since the first Star Trek film that none of these geniuses has been able to create a shield that doesn't degrade by 50 percent after one or two blasts? When will Jordy fix that stupid core so it doesn't blow up so quickly leaving the crew completely vulnerable? As many times as the ship has broken down and been busted up I would fire my engineer for not making some kind of improvement.

Poor Patrick Stewart. Once he was a Shakespearean trained actor and now the words “full power to forward shields” will be on his tombstone. In addition, what happened to Jonathon Frakes? At one time his Commander Riker was an oddly stoic guy with a strange sense of humor. In the past two films he has became an over the top cheeseball ham. Two movies into the Next Generation films and Frakes' charming grin is now a mask of hamminess.

The downward spiral of Next Generation from smart TV show to dull movie series is a perfect example of how money corrupts. On TV, Next Generation was forced to come up with smart scripts and stories that didn't rely on special effects because they didn't have the budget for it. Now on the big screen and flush with cash to do the effects they couldn't do on TV, the series is dominated by the effects.

Star Trek: Nemesis is not a disappointment but rather the continuation of disappointments that has been growing since the TV show was shoved onto the big screen.

Movie Review Maid in Manhattan

Maid in Manhattan (2002) 

Directed by Wayne Wang 

Written by Kevin Wade 

Starring Jennifer Lopez, Ralph Fiennes, Natasha Richardson, Stanley Tucci, Bob Hoskins

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published December 13th, 2002 

The romantic comedy is dead!

Or if it isn't it should be.

I'm sorry, I know people love the genre of beautiful stars falling in love in magical ways but the genre’s conventions and cliches have made the genre pass and predictable. That is not to say that romance in film is dead but that Hollywood needs to come up with a different way of presenting it. The Cinderella syndrome begun with 1990's Pretty Woman has to stop.

I realize the Cinderella-Prince Charming dynamic is one that women have fallen in love with but even the most forgiving of female filmgoers must acknowledge the genre's shortcomings. Its predictability, sugary cuteness and desperate reliance on coincidence and misunderstanding are now beyond grating. Case in point, the new Jennifer Lopez-Ralph Fiennes romance Maid In Manhattan, yet another Pretty Woman retread right off the romantic comedy assembly line.

J.Lo stars as Marisa, a maid at an opulent New York hotel, where the rich and famous make their temporary homes. Marisa is a divorced mother of one of those typically precocious romantic comedy kids named Ty, played by Tyler Posey. In typical genre fashion, Ty has a unique quality that will become important in the meeting of the two leads. Tyler loves politics, he loves it so much that as a present his mom buys him copies of the Richard Nixon White House tapes and Ty has memorized the voting record of New York Assemblyman Christopher Marshall (Ralph Fiennes). 

Marshall is staying at the hotel where Marisa works and of course he meets Ty and is impressed with his political awareness. Also staying at the hotel is a flighty rich blonde woman named Caroline (Miranda Richardson) who asks Marisa to return a very expensive outfit for her while she is out for the day. Of course Marisa can't resist the urge to try on the outfit while in the Hotel Suite and wouldn't you know that this is the moment when Ty introduces her to Chris. And what a shock when he mistakes her for a guest instead of a maid and invites her and Ty to come with him while he walks his dog in the park. Of course she could avoid the confusion by just coming clean and admitting the truth but then we wouldn't have a movie.

Of course it wouldn't be a romantic comedy without wacky supporting characters and a scene where the characters and wacky supporting cast dance and sing though no music is playing except that which is on the soundtrack. How do they hear it? They dance and sing and then it's time for a montage of makeovers and dresses, because of course Marisa has a ball to attend.

After all, a movie about a Senator who falls in love with a maid without a mistaken identity plot and a lot of near misses where he almost discovers the truth wouldn't be much of a romantic comedy. These stupid plot developments and false crises are tiresome and insulting to anyone who has ever seen a movie before.

Golly do you think when Chris finds out that Marisa is just a maid he will be upset? Do you think that he will get over it quickly and the two will live happily ever after? Do you think the sky is blue and the Earth is round?

Memo to Jennifer Lopez: What Happened? You were so good in Out of Sight, The Cell and Angel Eyes. In each of those movies you showed real acting chops. This is your third role in a row you have played on autopilot, Wedding Planner and Enough previously. There is hope for you yet but another turkey like this one and you may want to stick with the singing career.

Romance in movies is not dead; it is at the moment merely enslaved by cliché and creative laziness. There are still rays of hope, films like Secretary and Chasing Amy both take elements of traditional romantic comedy then find ways to tweak them and make them new, exciting, intelligent and funny. There is still hope but with each Maid In Manhattan or Sweet Home Alabama that hope dims just a little.

Movie Review The Hot Chick

The Hot Chick (2002) 

Directed by Tom Brady 

Written by Tom Brady, Rob Schneider 

Starring Rob Schneider, Rachel McAdams, Anna Faris, Matthew Lawrence, Eric Christian Olson 

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published December 13th, 2002 

To call a Rob Schneider movie juvenile and stupid is like looking at the sky and saying it's blue or saying water is wet. When you go see a Rob Schneider movie, you have to expect low-grade humor aimed at the 14-year-old-male demographic. Expect there to be a multitude of fart jokes, and various other references to bodily functions. There will also be genuinely funny moments and a cameo by Adam Sandler. So far, this formula has yet to yield an entertaining picture, but with the small number of laughs culled from his latest effort, The Hot Chick, the potential for a truly funny movie exists.

In The Hot Chick, a gorgeous high school cheerleader named Jessica (Rachel McAdams) rules her school with a scathing wit and disregard for her classmates' feelings. Jessica's life is perfect: she is head cheerleader, likely to be the prom queen, and she is in love with the star quarterback (Matthew Lawrence). Of course, karma has it in for this chick and it strikes when she steals a pair of ancient earrings from an unusual shop in the mall. The earrings' backstory, explained at the beginning of the film, is that they belonged to a woman who was promised into a marriage she did not want. 

Therefore, she uses the earrings' mystical power to trade bodies with a peasant girl. After Jessica loses one of the earrings and it is found by a petty criminal named Clive (Schneider), she wakes up in Clive's body and vice versa. Desperate for help, she seeks out her best friend April (Scary Movie's Anna Faris) for help. Not surprisingly April doesn't believe the strange man in front of her is her best friend but after some intimate details are shared, April realizes that this is indeed Jessica.

We have seen this set up before. In fact, in the 1980s, the body switching stuff was a genre unto its own. Anyone remember Kirk Cameron and Dudley Moore in Like Father Like Son or Judge Reinhold and Fred Savage in Vice Versa or George Burns and Charlie Schlatter in 18 Again? (And the list goes on and on.) Schneider and his co-writer/director Tom Brady do not do anything to improve upon this lame genre; merely adding gross-out jokes is not my idea of improvement. Still, Schneider's game performance has its moments, and McAdams really shines as the bitchy cheerleader.

The Hot Chick is not a very good movie but it's not nearly as bad as your average Schneider/Sandler offering. It's slightly tamer than anything he's done before, and it has some genuinely funny moments; not nearly enough laughs for me to recommend it, but not so bad as to be avoided at all costs.

Movie Review: Drumline

Drumline (2002) 

Directed by Charles Stone III 

Written by Tina Gordon Chism

Starring Nick Cannon, Zoe Saldana, Orlando Jones, Jason Weaver

Release Date December 13th, 2002 

Published December 10th, 2002

Every year Grambling University plays a football game against Southern University. The game is notable because it is played in the Louisiana Superdome and airs nationwide on Black Entertainment Television. And even when Grambling was coached by the legendary Eddie Robinson, the winningest coach of a black college team in history, the huge crowds did not come for the football; they came to see the halftime show. The showdown between these two amazing talented bands is worth the price of admission--even if you're not a football fan.

At many traditionally black colleges, the halftime show, where the bands take the field for precisely choreographed musical mayhem that mixes traditional marching band music with modern hip hop and dance, is as highly anticipated as the game itself is. Yet, the movie Drumline--made as a tribute to this unique phenomenon--fails to capture the obvious spirit and emotion that drives it.

Nick Cannon, star of his own Nickelodeon TV variety show, stars in Drumlineas Devon, a cocky freshman drummer who is joining the legendary marching band at fictional Atlanta A&T; University. From the moment Devon steps on campus, his attitude starts rubbing people the wrong way--especially the upperclassman who is the leader of the bands famed drumline, Sean (played by Leonard Roberts.) Soon, the two headstrong drummers are at each other's throats and their pettiness does not go unnoticed by the schools bandleader, Dr. James Lee (former Seven-Up spokesperson, Orlando Jones.)

Soon, Devon's attitude and battle with Sean leads him to be kicked off the team. All the while, Devon has a budding relationship with a dancer named Laila (Zoe Saldana). That relationship is also affected by Devon's problems in the marching band.

It's not long before Devon is reformed and begins to work his way back into the band in time for the battle of the bands. In true sports movie fashion, Drumline comes down to a one-on-one showdown between A&T; and their crosstown rivals, Morris Brown University. (In reality, Morris Brown is a real college with one of the most sensational marching bands in the country.)

The marching band competition is staged well, despite its fictional origins. Watching the amazing choreography and skill of the bands is a treat, but the film as a whole is a pale imitation of the sports movie cliches many critics claim it defies. The fact is that this is another Rocky-esque movie where people overcome great odds to succeed on a big stage. Drumline is like a sports movie without the sports.

The film's biggest problems are its lead performances by Cannon and Jones. Cannon isn't a bad actor but his character is so intensely obnoxious and unlikable, I can't imagine wanting to watch a film about him. As for Jones, something has always bothered me about him as an actor and Drumline exposes that something. There is something in Jones' voice, an affectation that makes every word out of his mouth seem insincere. In Drumline, he is called on to deliver some very straight, very earnest dialogue, but that vocal affectation of his makes him impossible to take seriously.

Drumline is a well-crafted film and a marginally entertaining one when the action is focused on the bands performing. However, everything that happens around performances is all dull cliche and wrongheaded character development. I would recommend it only for hardcore band geeks.

Movie Review: About Schmidt

About Schmidt (2002) 

Directed by Alexander Payne 

Written by Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

Starring Jack Nicholson, Hope Davis, Dermot Mulroney, Kathy Bates, 

There have been a few times in Jack Nicholson's career where the image of Jack, the iconic ladies man, Laker fan Jack, the famous image, overcame the actor Jack Nicholson. Films like Wolf and even his role as The Joker in Batman showed Nicholson mugging for the camera and playing off his image rather than his talent. Then, in the early 2000’s, Nicholson seemingly set out to destroy ‘Jack’ the image and return to Jack the Actor. The Pledge, one of the best films of 2001, showcased Nicholson in a role stripped of any glamour or vanity. The Pledge is a slow boil performance that is both subtle and heartbreaking. And in About Schmidt, Jack goes for yet another unglamorous, though more mainstream, role as an aging retiree trapped in a life unlived.

As Warren Schmidt, Nicholson is a 66-year-old insurance company actuary. It’s a job Warren tells us has endowed him with the ability to determine just how long people will live. Thus, Warren is well aware of his own mortality as he sits at his retirement dinner with his wife of 42 years played by June Squibb. 42 long years, 42 very, long, years. As Warren describes in a very funny voiceover: “Who is this old woman in my bed?”

Warren and his wife have one daughter, Jeannie (Hope Davis) who is soon to be married. Though he is not allowed to say anything about the wedding by his domineering wife, Warren secretly hates his daughter’s fiance, played by Dermot Mulroney. This isn't your typical ‘no man is good enough for my daughter hatred.’ As Warren introduces his daughter’s fiance, in his voiceover, we are quick to see just what a real doofus this guy is.

Now retired with little to do Warren spends his days with crossword puzzles and watching TV. While flipping channels he comes across one of those child-reach infomercials where some celebrity tells you that for 22 dollars a month you can feed a starving child. Warren, for some reason, likely boredom, writes down the phone number, and is soon doling out the cash and writing letters to a six year old African boy named Ndugu.

The voiceover narration in About Schmidt comes from the letters Warren writes to Ndugu, and just hearing Nicholson open a new letter with the words "Dear Ndugu" provides the funniest and saddest moments of the film. Nicholson’s rye recognition of how he’s really talking to himself 

It is not long after Warren retires that his wife passes away, leaving Warren with an empty house and a newly purchased Winnebago in his driveway that his wife had purchased to drive cross country for their daughter's wedding. Taking to the road, Warren's adventures including a sad, tragic meeting with a couple of fellow RV drivers that is a terrific diversion from the main story. The film however gains it's true narrative thrust when Warren arrives for his daughter's wedding and ends up staying with the groom's mother Roberta (Kathy Bates). Her full on personality is immediately at odds with Warren's quiet dignity. A scene where Warren and Roberta share time in the hot tub is pure comic bliss that shows Nicholson at his slow boiling best.

Director Alexander Payne is a true pro, a visionary comic auteur that deftly combines realism and comedy. About Schmidt is filled with moments of warmth and humor that never seem fake. Thanks to one of the best scripts, casts and directors of any film in the last year.

Movie Review: Empire

Empire (2002) 

Directed by Franc Reyes

Written by Franc Reyes

Starring John Leguizamo, Peter Sarsgard, Denise Richards, Sonia Braga, Isabella Rossellini 

Release Date December 6th, 2002 

Published December 6th, 2002 

When Universal Pictures bumped Empire from its original mid-March release to the highly-competitive December marketplace, many scratched their heads. The only conclusion that could be drawn from such a bold move was that Universal must have been very confident in this urban drama starring John Leguizamo. In fact, rumors persisted that Universal would begin a "For Your Consideration" (Oscar) campaign for the comedian-turned-serious-actor. However, after seeing Empire, I'm not sure that Universal's confidence is well placed.

In Empire, Leguizamo stars as Victor Rosa, a drug dealer with his own brand of heroin that he calls empire. Victor and his crew, including rapper Treach from Naughty By Nature, run a certain section of the Bronx that has been set aside for them by the city's leading drug supplier, La Columbiana (Isabella Rosselini). There are several rival dealers in the Bronx, all of whom get their supply from La Columbiana, and all of whom have their own part of town in which to work. When those boundaries are crossed, even by just twenty feet, violence ensues and someone will get hurt. As Victor explains in voiceover, thirty feet of street corner can mean thirty grand a week.

In Victor's other life, he is living with his college student girlfriend Carmen (newcomer Delilah Cotto). Carmen is aware of Victor's business, and so is her disapproving mother, played by Sonya Braga. Lately, things have been affecting Victor more and more, After something terrible happens to the small child of a rival, Tito (played with surprising charisma by rapper Fat Joe), Victor begins to wish there was a way out.

Then, through Carmen's friend Trish (who is played with eternal vapidity by Denise Richards), Victor meets an investment banker named Jack (Peter Sarsgaard). At first, the two seem friendly and Jack seems to honestly admire Victor's entrepreneurial spirit. Of course, when money gets involved, and we are talking millions of dollars, betrayal can't be far behind.

As the trailer reveals, Jack steals Victor's money, which Victor stupidly takes to him in cash. What is surprising is, despite the trailer, the film frames Jack's betrayal of Victor as a big twist as if the audience couldn't see it coming. Even without the over-explanatory trailer, Empire's plot clips along so mechanically its ending becomes obvious with more than 45 minutes remaining in the film.

At least Leguizamo doesn't suffer too badly from the poor scripting. Since his electric performance in Spike Lee's criminally underappreciated Summer Of Sam, I have been waiting for Leguizamo to get a major dramatic role. He would have had it in Empire if the film as a whole were as good as his part was. As it is, add another line to John Leguizamo's resume and wait for his next chance, because I guarantee there will be another one. And don't be surprised if, next time, we are touting Leguizamo for an Oscar. 

Movie Review: Adaptation

Adaptation (2002)

Directed by Spike Jonze

Written by Charlie Kaufman

Starring Nicolas Cage, Meryl Streep, Chris Cooper, Tilda Swinton, Brian Cox 

Release Date December 6th, 2002 

Published December 6th, 2002 

Originality is a lost art in modern Hollywood. Many people would tell you that everything has been done, and, well, they are right to a point. That is where Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze come in. They take a simple setup and make it original, fresh and funny. Being John Malkovich was a wild, literal, head trip of originality and humor. Now, their new film Adaptation moves the head trip inside the mind of the writer himself. In Adaptation, Kaufman writes himself into his own screenplay and the result is a film unlike anything Hollywood has ever seen.

I spoke before of originality and interestingly enough that is where the film begins. Kaufman, as played by Nicholas Cage, is wondering to himself if has an original thought in his head as he sits at a movie pitch meeting. A studio executive, played by Tilda Swinton, is offering Kaufman the opportunity to adapt the studio's latest acquisition a book called "The Orchid Thief."

Right off the bat this could have been a scene from Robert Altman's The Player with a studio executive spouting off about how this book is going to be the studio's big prestige picture, and, indeed, the book itself sounds like a Hollywood creation. However, "The Orchid Thief" is a real book by a real author and writer for The New Yorker magazine--Susan Orlean. And, in reality, Charlie Kaufman was asked to adapt "The Orchid Thief" for the screen. We are merely in the first scene and already the film is twisting reality in knots.

We flashback from there to Susan Orlean--as played by Meryl Streep--as she researches the story of John Laroche, a real-life orchid hunter played in the film by Chris Cooper, in an Oscar-courting performance. A story in the newspaper about a guy and three Indians arrested in the Florida wetlands for poaching flowers catches Orlean's eye and she is soon in Florida meeting Laroche with the intent of writing about him in The New Yorker. The article became the book and was then snapped up by a movie studio to be made into a film.

Cut back to Charlie, who explains that he doesn't want to make this a Hollywood thing, and wants to write a film that does justice to the book. The book, however, is mostly about orchids and has no real cinematic arc. Charlie has no idea what to write, and his problems will strike a chord with anyone who has ever attempted to write something. Rewards and punishments. Excuses for writing and not writing. How the mind tends to wander off when you know you have to write something but can't. 

As I write this review I'm going on almost four days since I saw the movie; not exactly a good quick turn around. I sit and stare at the computer alternately tapping out my review in my strange hunt and peck typing style that drives my girlfriend up the wall. I write a paragraph and then wonder if my laundry is done. Another sentence and wonder if I should get a bottled water or make soup. Then I realize that I have unconsciously written myself into a review of a movie about a writer who writes himself into his own screenplay. 

Adaptation will do that to you as it twists inside itself and torturously weaves reality and fiction. Kaufman does an amazing mixing job, using real people like Orlean and Laroche and even the cast of his previous film, Being John Malkovich, and then creating a fictional twin brother who acts as his onscreen id.

Cage plays both brothers, both a technical and acting feat pulled off to perfection. Donald Kaufman seems to be the antithesis of everything Charlie stands for. Donald is a lazy layabout with an ease with woman and self image far healthier than it maybe should be. Charlie is both disgusted by Donald and envious of him. They are two sides of the same coin. Donald one day announces that he too is going to be a screenwriter and with the help of a screenwriting coach played by Brian Cox, writes a typical Hollywood schlock thriller and sells it for a million dollars. 

My impression of Donald is that he and Charlie are actually the same person and that Donald allows Charlie to express how easy it would be for him to buy into the Hollywood system. Donald's amazingly bad script is riddled with everything intelligent people despise about modern Hollywood, but, on further examination, the plot mirrors the same dynamic that plays out in Adaptation. I don't want to spoil it. You have to make the connection on your own.

Lost in all the madness onscreen is director Spike Jonze who craftily loses himself behind the camera, putting all the focus on Kaufman. It is Jonze's steadiness that draws this wildly-out-of-control film together. Jonze and Kaufman litter the film with tiny details that will have you going back to see it repeatedly.

My review is finished now I can go eat, but I better check my laundry first. Hey I wonder what's on TV.

Movie Review: They

They (2002) 

Directed by Robert Harmon

Written by Brendan Hood 

Starring Ethan Embry, Laura Regan, Marc Blucas, Dagmara Dominicyzk

Release Date November 27th, 2002

Published November 28th, 2002 

Wes Craven is one of the masters of the horror genre, having created a character that is likely the most enduring villain in horror history—Freddy Krueger. Recently though, the successful Scream franchise notwithstanding, Craven has taken a relaxed role in the filmmaking process; that of Executive Producer. It seems that the horror master will attach his name to anything: the horrendous Wishmaster series, Mind Ripper, and most recently Wes Craven Presents Dracula 2000. I can't be the only horror fan who sees Craven's name attached to a film and assumes he is directing it. However, more often than not, when you see the title Wes Craven Presents, it's actually someone else's film.

Still, when I saw Craven's name attached to the horror film They, I was fooled into thinking it could be another great horror film. Then, as I watch the credits, I find the film was actually directed by Robert Harmon whose previous work includes the TV movie Gotti and the Jean Claude Van Damme opus Nowhere To Run. Needless to say, I was disappointed.

Unknown actress Laura Regan is Julia who, with a friend played by Scary Movie's Jon Abrahams, shared what they called "night terrors' ' (not nightmares, "night terrors"). After her friend kills himself in front of her, Julia meets two friends he made in college who also had "night terrors." Ethan Embry (slumming since his funny turn in 1995's Empire Records) and Dagmara Dominicyk (the freaky publicist from Rock Star) are Sam and Terry. Also part of the story is Julia's boyfriend Paul, played by Mark Blucas who should know better about good horror content having spent a season on Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Once the characters are introduced, it doesn't take much to predict who die next. Julia is the lead character so obviously she will survive (at least until the end.) This leaves Terry and Sam to wander off by themselves and die, leaving Julia to fend for herself and for her boyfriend to just think she is crazy until it is time for him to be a maybe be a hero. Whether he actually does play the hero I will not say. I wouldn't want to spoil what remarkably little suspense there is in They.

So what are "They"? From what I could ascertain "They" were giant black grasshoppers that only came out at night and hated any kind of light except the ambient light necessary to light a scene. Wes Craven should be ashamed of himself for slapping his name on any dog of a movie that Miramax/Dimension wants to call horror. Let the movie, They,  be a warning to future filmgoers that just because a film has a quality name on it, it doesn't guarantee a quality film.

Movie Review Personal Velocity

Personal Velocity (2002) 

Directed by Rebecca Miller

Written by Rebecca Miller

Starring Kyra Sedgwick, Parker Posey, Fairuza Balk 

Release Date November 27th, 2002 

Published December 25th, 2002

I have many times in the past lamented the lack of good roles for women in Hollywood. 2002 did a great deal to quiet my complaints offering a wide range of excellent female driven movies. One film with three sensational lead female performances won the Grand Jury Prize at the 2002 Sundance Film festival. It's called Personal Velocity and though I had to wait over half of a year to see it, the film was worth the wait.

Written and directed by first timer Rebecca Miller, Personal Velocity is a set of three half-hour vignettes about three diverse women whose lives we join in progress. The first story is about Delia (Kyra Sedgwick), whose voiceover explains how she grew up quickly, earning the reputation of town slut before finally settling down with one guy because he was the one who asked. Sometime into the marriage, the husband develops an affinity for rough sex that evolves into physical abuse. 

Once Delia realizes that the violence could go beyond her to her children she makes the choice to leave but has nowhere to go. In desperation she calls on a woman she knew just barely in high school whom she once saved from bullies, or at least that is how she remembers it. The woman is kind enough to let Delia and her kids live in her garage and Delia gets a job in a greasy diner. Therein, she endures the come-ons of the owner’s greasy son. The half hour segment ends with no real resolution but rather a continuing spiral that seems destined to continue as we move on to the next story.

The film’s middle segment starring Parker Posey is its strongest. Posey is Greta, a cookbook editor who has fallen into a relationship of convenience with a guy who is a fact checker for The New Yorker. The guy is exactly the guy her father, a high powered attorney who divorced Greta's mother, doesn't want her to be with. That may be exactly why she married him, though she is cheating on him. When Greta gets a break at work (she's asked to edit the book of a best selling author who requested her specifically), she must deal with success for the first time in her life as well as a challenging relationship with the author. Posey is fascinating, communicating classic slacker indifference until confronted with real emotion, which she never learned to deal with before. Something many of us children of the divorce culture can relate to.

The final story is about Paula, a formerly homeless girl who is running away from the man who pulled her off the streets. After an accident nearly took her life and instead killed a man she had just met, Paula got in her car and just began driving. For some unknown reason she has picked up a young hitchhiker and now finds herself on the road to her mother’s home. Paula hasn't seen her mother since she ran away. Her mother had been divorced and remarried to a man Paula didn't like. After contacting her boyfriend, Paula hits the road again with the hitchhiker and finds that his problems may be far worse than her own. He provides the cautionary tale that Paula and the movie needs to end with a little ray of hope.

Each of the stories is connected in a small way but the connection is insignificant when you know that the stories were culled from a collection of seven stories by Rebecca Miller. It's not surprising that the stories are well written as Miller is the daughter of Playwright Arthur Miller. Rebecca Miller has a strong familiarity with her characters which helps, given that each story only has about 30 minutes to tell its story. Miller and her amazing cast are never hampered by the runtime and the stories are likely better served without the padding it would take to make each feature length.

The film has its problems, the voiceover narration by John Ventimiglia is at times rather prosaic and Ventimiglia's voice a little too arrogant. Also, shot for a very small sum on digital video, the film has a look that’s grainy and unpolished. That might be what they were looking for but I found it distracting. Those minor problems aside, Personal Velocity is a well written and very well acted film that announces Rebecca Miller as a filmmaker to look for in the future.